Also, whilst a 2:i is the minimum, there is obviously a difference between a low-mid-high 2.i, just as there are in other classes. That said, somebody on my MA course received funding when she had a low 2:i. Proposal? References? There is no reason to it. It is worrying that some otherwise good academics are pushed into doing other things as we're all held to ransom by the AHRC.

An internal e-mail stipulated that only people with a first in their BA or/and a dist. in their MA could apply. I have a 2:i at BA (0.25% from a 1:1, how annoying), and an MA dist. However, I know two others who have a dist. two points higher than mine, but I have the better BA degree, so I really have no idea how this will pan out.

I'm panel 8. If I'm rejected, I think I'll be relieved that the application stress is over, if a little downhearted.

I'm unsure about luck. The four ppl that were allowed to apply had to have distinctions. The stipulation was either a 1:1 BA, or MA dist. That ruled out about half the dept. Then in that group, you have to be ranked, which is another demoralizing thing.

One of the AHRC assessors for my subject is actually a lec. in the dept! I only know him in passing, or it would be strange. My sup. is quite good friends with him though. I can't help but think that there will be some internal influence with whoever gets it here as the assessor could easily have feedback from our respective sups. I know that is biased, but am suspect about the whole process.

This quota thing is this year, apparently, as after, the dept. will be given funding and choose who receives it. Last year involved stalking the postman, only to receive the TLOD. Going to relax this year. It's causing bitterness though, with all four of us applying being friends - I dislike competing with those I know personally. As I'll be happy if a friend gets it, but can't help feeling disheartened myself. Just the way it goes.

No. Not yet. I wouldn't expect to until, say, mid-August at the earliest. I don't know if there is any logic in the order replies are sent out.

Not expecting it. I was rejected last year with a grade 3. This year, the process has become worse. Four of us from the entire dept. were allowed to apply. Two of those did better than me in some areas. But then, I have the better undergrad degree. Our distinctions differ by about one point, but these sorts of things might make a difference this year.

I'll be glad when it's over. If I'm rejected this year, I can't apply again. And not going through the process will be a relief.

Oh yes, liminalplace. I've had those encounters from other phd's.

- Waiting outside office for supervision, encounter somebody who thinks she is v. intelligent, and said, without blinking: "I've just written 20,000 words this term, what have you done for the meeting?". There is me thinking that I'd be very lucky to crunch out 20,000 words in the whole YEAR.

There are other random things. I do think that some people have their own agenda, and it's mad, as we're all working on different topics, so no real point of comparison.

Very generally, be prepared to adjust your expectations in several areas. For me, it's been:

- Discovering that academia is subject to the same back-stabbing and pettiness as most other working environments.
- Constantly feeling like I shouldn't even be here. Yes, I did well at undergrad/MA, but I'm average in comparison to the rest in my group. Feeling incompetent seems to be the norm.
- Goodbye socializing with non-academic friends - it can be isolating sometimes.
- Long hours spent reading/writing is not conducive to a happy state of mind. I've found being outdoors in the nice weather is helping of late.

Yes, I think I'll try to meet him before the week is out. At least I'll send a quick mail to let him know I'm on campus tomorrow/fri., so will stop by. I don't think I should have another day like today where I avoid things, as it will just get worse. Esp. as I'm supposed to be going to a seminar tomorrow.

Am just feeling like I cannot have one more thing go out of control, namely, the phd.

I had counselling for much of last year. Ironically, it was towards the end that I eventually understood how useful it was. Strange as it sounds, I have a fear of going back there. I am tired of the endless round of anti-depressants, going to counselling, just to function through the day. It's not simply this present situation, although that's the main thing at the moment. I'm just tired of it. That's all.

I don't want a time-out. There is the feeling that I haven't come this far, only to derail now. I have known about the situation for some time, well, it all kicked off during my MA last year, but I still did well. It's not unexpected, I knew it was coming, I guess was just a question of when things would get worse. Now, my interest is in managing the situation as best I can.

Yes, I just hate to be one of those people that appear to be making excuses. Oh, my grandmother / pet dog died etc. It's not like that. My terminally ill brother has taken a turn for the worse. I'm going to visit at the earliest opportunity, and sooner if anything unexpected happens. Two other sibs. have the same condition. And I've just completed the annual round of tests for it myself (we have hereditary cancer, so I'm screened annually).

My mind is all over the map. I just know I couldn't sit through a three hour thing today, even though it's very relevant to my work. I'm making an appt. with the doc. this week to see about going back on some anti-depressants, and trying to get a handle on this situation.

Well, in my mail, I apologised, said that I appreciated him contacting me as it was clearly for my own benefit, realized it looked like I was not affording this thing today a high priority, but perhaps it would be better to take the opportunity to talk to him to explain my present situation in person. Today is physically impossible as I can't be in two places at once. Said he was welcome to text if short-notice required.

Yes. I think he's well-meaning. I just seem to be having huge over-reactions to everything this week and can't be trusted to be rational. I'm dealing with some major family stuff, and can't think clearly. Last thing I felt like was going to something when I've been upset half the week. On the other hand, it might have forced me to get outside of my own head for a while.

Think I'm just worried I'm going to be told off, as it were, for not being up-to-scratch. I dunno.

And, as I have been having such a bad week, owing to some serious personal stuff going on, last thing I wanted to do was explain myself. His mail expressed concern that I was not going to an important seminar this week, and that I seemed unduly worried about work, so was perhaps not being as productive as I might otherwise be. That he thought we needed to talk about this.

I hate having to get into any vaguely personal stuff. But obviously had to respond, when in reality, I've just had a really bad week, and trying to deal with non-academic stuff. See his points. But just don't want to deal with it.

Mailed. Apologised. Thankgod am going out soon so can avoid mail. Am now going to have to explain personal situation to sup. which annoys me.

What a day. First I knew my sup. wanted to meet was at 2.pm today, when I received a text from a strange number (perhaps we should have exchanged numbers a while back for these sorts of reasons) urging me to go to something today, and asking me to reply to a mail.

So, having a feeling of doom, I log-on to facebook to reply to a friend, to find out he has messaged me there too. Eventually check mail, to find out he's concerned about something I said, wants to meet.