Not really. Seen her yest., but it was a large group (friends birthday party), so getting into a vaguely personal conversation was out of the question. I did notice she never spoke to me until I approached her - friend has commented that it seems less about the gay/straight issue as there seems to be something there, and I am not building castles in the air, but more about her awareness of her position.

Aaaaaarrrrghhhhh.

This Sun., a social thing has been arranged. I thought about the Fri., too, but that might be overkill. One of my friends claims some distance can be a good thing, makes them wonder where you are etc. I'm trying to get out of the mindset of finding it weird to text a lec., especially as I know her in the capacity of going-out-and-getting-drunk on Fridays.

Hey. Nothing to tell, as likely won't see them until Fri/the weekend for social drinks. At which point, I'll turn into a bumbling idiot, you know how it goes. I do have their number now, but if only I could find an appropriate excuse to text.

I think Olivia is trying to be pragmatic, and a different viewpoint is welcomed. But I don't think it's realistic to try and ignore the situation for another two years - at least, it might make me feel rather dejected.

I agree on the intellectual connection. Academia, by its nature, attracts certain sorts of people, and these are the sometimes the sort I feel a strong mental connection to. And no, I'm not mistaking that for something more. I gel wel with my supervisor, but shudder to think at anything else.

Sometimes, I wish I'd met said-person in a different context, as obviously, none of these complications would occur.

1. I'm gay (female). Status of staff-member is uncertain. All I'm prepared to say is that if her behaviour and comments came from somebody knowingly gay, I would interpret it as wanting to get to know me better. It's all very hypothetical at the moment. Although as I said, others have started to pick up on things, so it might need to be addressed in some fashion before long.

1. My PhD friends have actually picked up on my attraction, and nobody has had a problem with it, at least not openly. We are all a similar age, and recognize that boundaries are looser than when we were undergrads.

2. There is little potential for a disruptive working environment. We're not in a lab. It's a humanities PhD. We have our own room on the other side of campus, and the staff are elsewhere. It's rare to see them on a normal working day, unless we go to a seminar or talk.

Hi Olivia,

On my part, I don't think they are somebody I have a desire to sleep with once and forget about. I'm not somebody that develops attractions often, and when I do, they tend to be fairly long-lasting. I do agree about the mature judgement, which ironically, is probably more a concern on their part as they are nine years older than me - i.e., worried I might not be able to deal with anything serious, enjoying the student lifestyle etc.

Hi Shani,

1. Never expected it is entirely correct. As the cliche goes, when you are not looking. Having spent four years to get where I am, I don't want to do anything to jepoardise that. Sound familiar?

2. No, it's not rational, and I did try to distance myself, for almost two months. Well, you know, when I met them again, it resumed. At first, I tried to ignore it, telling myself it was off-limits, and now, well, we'll see. I do want to stress that nothing has happened, and it may not.

I'm not sure if simply *having* the relationship constitutes unprofessional; rather, it's the way it is handled. Some of us are just trying to be realistic. When you spend a lot of time with a group, it's normal to develop an attraction. If acted on, then it needs to be dealt with in a mature fashion.

Potential complication. I am gay. Said staff member, well, I don't know. All I can say is that things have been said which seem questionable, and that if the things they say/do were from somebody known to be gay, I swear I'd interpret it as wanting to get to know me better. There is far more to this than I'm prepared to say here. Said staff member does know I'm gay, it's fairly open in our small group, and never really been an issue. Potential for complications exist on their part.

Sorry, not trying to be mysterious, happy to say more off-board than on.

Hi Shani,

Thanks for that. That point about similar problems with dating other PhD's is a good point. There are two couples amongst our group, and I can see how awkward it would be if they broke up, i.e., turning up at social events, using our research room, going to the same seminars etc. In some ways, it might be worse, as you have to deal with them daily.

I'll answer the other question in a moment.

Hi Tom,

Yep. You said it. My friends and I used to joke that no PhD would become involved with a member of staff, as well, none of them seemed attractive to us. Then this new one joined, and I was struck by a lightning bolt, lol. We didn't actually meet in the capacity of lec-student, they turned up to our social drinks, and we have gotten to know one another from there. Maybe I'd be able to reign this in if I were forced to deal with them as a staff member, and not as somebody to unwind with on our weekly drinks.

2. Believe it or not, I have always been cognizant of boundaries. During the MA (same dept.), some other staff used to socialize with us, and at the time, I genuinely thought some stronger boundaries were appropriate. Now I'm slightly older, and cannot see the problem, at least friendship wise.

3. I didn't ask for this, and I'm normally super-rational. I know that what you're saying makes sense, it's just difficult when I see them, as then we get chatting, and everything seems natural. Logic seems to fly out of the window.

Olivia:

1. I don't think anybody would intend for things to happen. Professionally, we work in different areas, but if anything occurred and subsequently went wrong, it would not be difficult to limit contact - I managed it for most of last term for reasons you describe.

Hi.

Well, not exactly made my mind-up, as have yet to *do* anything - it's all very odd at the moment. I was more looking to hear of others experiences, as surely, this cannot be an uncommon experience.