Hi all, a bit of a negative post here, I'm afraid.
I've had a real crisis of confidence lately, especially when presenting my work - I seem to be getting less confident about public speaking, and not more. It used to be a breeze for me!
I know, rationally, that my work is good, but I just get this overwhelming feeling like 'I can't do this, I dont even know what this is' when I stand up to present. It happened at a postgrad symposium I presented at recently and I couldn't even read the words on my paper to script read, so had to leave the room to re-group. I then returned and gave a stunted version of what tthe paper should have been, part 'off the cuff' and part read from my print out, when I could get a purchas on the words.
This is a good paper, I've given it before, and it was well recieved and I was fine, but soething about being in the department, being 'assessed' by the staff and being put up amongst my direct peers just made me cave in. I also find the other students quite cold. There is a clique of them who are very close knit, who are full time and have various kinds of funding, and they just make me feel like an outsider, like I shouldn't really be there. They don't say hello, even though we've chatted a few times, and I just feel really out of it, as if I don't fit in. It's an extrordinarily prestigeous department too and perhaps part of me feels I don't really belong there, I'm much more comfortable and confident at the ex-poly's I teach in. The standard of some of the final year stuent's work is astounding, and it feels really hard to follow that.
My research and writing have also moved on since I last gave the paper, so I wasn't feeling great about it anyway.
I know I will get over this, it's probably part of the transition to becoming a hard-nosed tough old academic. I'd just like to make a friend in the department, I suppose. Another student who is friendly etc.