Hi Lindalou!

Thank you for your advice...I called up my internal examiner (namely because I have no supervisory team whatsoever!) ....I am free falling as they say. His advice was this. Hand it in. (laughter..from me nervously - not him!). So I am going to do exactly that. i am going to GO FOR IT......I know the first 6 chapters are good. So I shall concentrate on chapter 7-10 - then references and appendices. It is a lot of work. Most of which is literally just manual brainless stuff....so I shall save that for the times when I am exhausted - and prioritise time when I am at peak thinking ability on the most important parts. Funny enough I asked him if publications would stand in my favour...he said NO boohoo......he said they only mark what is written or what I say. So thank you for your thoughts and encouragement. This is it my last 3 and a half days. Monday is official hand-in day. All 450+ pages of it. Then I am getting on a plane with my beautiful daughter and I am flying home to Devon to see my sister and family. I have not been home in months. I was suppose to be moving to Bath on monday - but my ex-husband will not sign the paperwork to let me leave the island permanently unless I agree to his parents being my landlords for the next 21 years (I KID YOU NOT) ...I must not sign that paperwork. Bea deserves more - so I shall stay on my little island that has become my prison and prepare for the viva on the 18th of July....oh my goodness! Have a lovely day Lindalou, Heidi-Hi

I'm on the rude side of the clock again...we have got to know each other a lot lately. Sat here at my desk...looking at my printing PhD. Ended up 98,000 plus appendices, reference and the 18 publications.

I read back through the original post - it really knocked me - that is a lot of sadness in one little post.

I feel like this little website saved me. Honestly, it really did.

Sometimes you only need one person to believe in you - and that is enough. I was so lucky to have a few people say some very thoughtful, caring and good advice.

I wish I had a huge cheesecake - then I would find you all (in a non-stalking sense)! and deliver cheesecake. I would bake it myself for you all!

Now - I have a dilemma -

I have the deadline on Monday - viva booked for the 18th July.

However, I have no supervisor - so nobody has ever read it. And due to life and all that has happened even I have not re-read it.

I know there are lots of silly mistakes that I can repair easily - but it takes time. Probably (with a baby) a month.

So, do i ask for more time - to polish (wax on wax off style)

Or do I just go for it.....

I have nobody else to ask - so any answers would be more then delightful, hippo squeezes, Heidi

“Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.”

THANK YOU!!

I am having an emotional.....general lunatic day....so your little words mean A LOT....even made me misty eyed! Thank you. Warm fuzzy feeling received loud and clear from your submission and felt accordingly snuggly!

So....I was almost in a panic....about hand-in tomorrow.....and like a gift from the GODs of PhDs.....I found out I have another week......thank goodness. Hand-in: Sunday night - 17th June 2012

Plenty of snagging to get sorted...plus a conclusion to sort out - might happen to be 6.7% over the word limit too....never mind.

So here it is...sat on my desk printed out....all 400 pages. I'm tired. Wrote a third of it in two months!

A small part of me is proud...most of me dreads being told of all the little things I should have sorted out and did not have the time or energy to do so.

I hope to be moving from Jersey back to Bath on Monday. Currently, husband refusing (again) to sign the paperwork to let Bea and I come home. Unless I sign a piece of paper saying we will not claim for anything ever!! Crikey-bob-ski. I must not sign that piece of paper no matter how desperate I get. And I am desperate....I am lonely and tired...and in need of a HUG. in fact HUGs on tap. For now Beas little chubby hugs will do (even with her sniffles).

Goodness I'm so tired. Every morning Bea gets me up and five and then I work through until midnight...If I can get through this and write a PhD under these conditions, it just shows that it is possible people.

Still, I do remember very well...when I could not write a word...in fact I felt sick at the thought of writing anything. I understand those feelings.

So in the middle of my storm - where Bea and I sit curled up in our rowing boat - we have had the best support from you all - I don't even know your real names....I have no supervisor (because he has family difficulties) no second supervisor (because she has personal difficulties). Thus nobody has read my work ever. Scary times.

I have published a lot in referred journals though....lets hope that stops the boat sinking.

Thank you, with every speck of love from Heidi and Bea

I just wished to quickly send an update. I am almost there peeps!!! I have written my little socks off. Last 5,000 words. Hand in end of next week (suppose to be Tuesday) but they will give me Thursday....

THANK YOU for all your help - kindness and encouragement.

The only reason I am sat next to a pile of printed work (around about 90,000!) is because of the support from people here. I really mean that.

THANK YOU.

I am very tired.....

Places I have fallen asleep in the last few months include - rather impressively - the kitchen sink!!! soon woke me up when I was covered in bubbles!

Enjoy your day, love Heidi

'I took the speed writing course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. Its about Russia' Woody Allen

Thank you Dalmation......hope you have a lovely day.....love Heidi and Bea

======= Date Modified 23 May 2012 06:54:57 =======
Round one of the PhD vs mother......

I was so tired from the PhD write-up and looking after the baby yesterday morning, that I fell asleep just after I had changed Bea's nappy (she was on a rug in the living room). I literally fell asleep in a little ball right there.....woke up ten minutes later to find that Bea had made herself breakfast in the form of a tub of sudocream - Bea and the living room were caked in a white thick cream. Bea had decided to give it a try for taste....so it was all over her ....yuck. Half a tub of white cream covered the living room - turning it into a winter white wonderland.....hummm it was a little funny....

Okay so the PhD may have won this one - by duffing me up with tiredness- but I will avenge!

Hello my lovelies....this is your local disaster speaking....crikey-bob-ski we have been on a journey!

Thank you so much for the last two really encouraging posts...I am trying!!! I am not sure about the two weeks for paperwork! But they know I am cutting things fine. They have kindly said they only need an electronic version (not the bound version) for my deadline (12th June).

I can't believe I am almost there. Here's the up date.

- Bea has nine teeth!! Can dance - which has me in stitches...has her first painting framed on the wall - beautiful (thank you for the suggestion) and is just generally a smashing little pumpkin. I am very very very blessed (and perhaps just a little tired too!)
- We have a beautiful home in Bath! Looks very pretty indeed - I flew over for a visit - it was lovely.
- PhD is going!! Amazingly in all the heartache and disappointment I have written another 10,000 words. Just the last chapter to write and we are done. Fingers crossed for no dramas whilst I finish.
- Viva date booked for the 18th of July
- Graduation 17th September
- New job 24th September

I really hope I can give you all back a little something special - in the way of success in the face of adversity.

I've learnt a lot about myself.

I am going to try and be a strong, independent, loving mother and woman. And I'm okay just the way I am.

I read that you should 'live a life you are proud of.....and if you are not proud of it have the strength to change it' ....I shall try.

Thinking about it Mark Twain said something like 'live your life so that even the undertaker will be sorry' ....I will try again!

Stephen Fry said 'an original idea...can't be that hard...the library must be full of them'.....and I laughed

Good night

Here's the stats:

Number of words written in final draft: 90,000 (although depressingly all need reformatting as the hand in guidelines have just changed....)
Number of words left to write: 20,000
Time left on the clock: 5 weeks.

Charlie Brown quote of the week: “This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.”

Best moment of the week so far: Bea learning to draw...

Worst moment of the week so far: The most empty hug I have ever had in my life. It was as if I was air. This was the key moment - the moment I knew all was lost. A quote sprang to mind "don't let someone be a priority in your life if you are only an option in theirs" Bea and I are clearly an option....

Nevermind....onwards and upwards....not long until I tell you the PhD is complete.....the count down is on :-) love Heidi and Bea

So.....I woke up this morning....and the skies were blue! I appreciate this is a small thing given the circumstances. However, it was not all doom and gloom....then I read a quote from the great man himself:

"If you're going through hell, keep going" Winston Churchill. Brilliant.

Clearly it was seriously stuff when he was saying this, and this is not really world changing serious. But still it made me kind of giggle - when I compared it to my life.

Now a few things happened today that have made things seem easier and possible, these were:

1. I secured a beautiful place to rent in Bath - it is really very pretty. Bea and I will feel safe and (hopefully) in time happy there.
2. I booked my flights home.
3. My husband agreed to let me take Bea out of the country
4. ShelterBox in Cornwall have offered me some exciting work in humanitarian aid.
5. My bank cards etc. turned up
6. I managed to format my chapter so that landscape pages were numbered in the right way (I was very pleased about that)
7. My writing is going well.
8. I have started to make friends with some mum's with babies in Bath - and they have invited Bea for tea and cakes....amazing
9. Bea has been ace as usual. She took her first steps.

Thats a pretty amazing list. So I need to turn that frown upside down :-)

When I read the last three posts - I became all misty-eyed. Thank you, thank you, thank you.......sometimes this feels like the only place I can say how I feel - of course I have friends on the end of the phone etc. However, none in academia really - so when I am lucky enough that someone takes the time to care, it matters. It really matters to me.

I am living for the day in five and half weeks that I can and will say on here that I have finished. My quest....rests on a knife edge (as the great wizard himself says)....but I am determined to not give up yet.

Now for the ice-cream x

======= Date Modified 01 May 2012 23:10:45 =======
======= Date Modified 01 May 2012 23:10:11 =======
Worse day ever....feeling like a complete failure.....cannot stop crying......really lonely and afraid......my heart aches so much......didn't think it was possible for me to love Bea as much as I do. The enormity of the work left to do is hitting me....I am so tired....frightened....sad.....crying....rubbish.

Thank you for those posts....Firstly I will certainly look up your nanny advice! Sadly my nanny cannot come to England with Bea and I. But that's okay - I was thinking of finding a multi-lingual nanny for her if possible. I think she is at the perfect age to take in all different sounds. What you have both said about being up against the odds - working in challenging situations - and looking forward - what this means in terms of Bea and I - makes perfect sense. It is not possible for me to run things by my director of studies as he is away on compassionate leave. So I am running solo! Goodness only knows the mischief I might get up to on my own! I read this website - called the 'thesis whisperer' - I highly recommend it for anyone out there who struggles with perfectionism and/or a fear of writing. Sounds crazy, but I had a fear of writing for a long time. I became really anxious about each and every word, to the point where I did not write anything down at all because that way I could not get it wrong! So a trait (perfectionism) had gone from being a good quality, to a quality that had a seriously negative affect on my life. Now I have hardly any time - I have had to completely let go of the fear - and just write! In some ways its actually quite liberating - for a long time I was suffocating in my inability to express myself on paper due to a fear of getting a word or a theme wrong - and now I can say exactly what I wish and how I wish. You are both right, I am more up-beat in a way. Basically, I had a sudden moment of clarity. I decided to take Bea down to the sea in her pushchair. I strapped her in as usual and walked to the farm entrance. There is a double blind bend and no pavement. I decided to cross with Bea in the pram - then out of nowhere a high speed car came tearing down the road, I slipped and the pram went over on its side. All I could see was the car speeding towards Bea and I in slow motion. Amazingly it stopped within feet of us. Bea was fine - those straps worked miracles. I was extremely shaken. I cried. The car drove off. In that moment I realised that all that had happened and all that my husband had done, was in fact done. There was no turning back. I turned from grieving for him to being cross at him. I turned towards mine and Bea's future. It turned out that my husband had met someone else at work - so there we have it. I've been so soft up until now. But luckily I have a good lawyer and I can leave it to him. At the moment my husband is refusing to let Bea and I leave the island - amazingly, after all he has done - in law he has the right to keep us here (technically). In reality, I am very likely to win the case to let me leave with Bea. This is not about having access to Bea - this is about pride and money. Its sad really. So here I am - it feels like a long time since I first met him on the train on christmas eve in the snow. Do I regret it? I regret Bea not having her family together - of course - but I cannot say I regret it - because I wouldn't have my precious Bea. She is so beautiful. She shines brighter than the sun.

Okay so this is now coming down to extreme PhD writing....for the next five weeks, every day I need to be producing around 1,000 words to complete the write up. The 11th of June is the deadline. It is possible - but no doubt will take me to the edge of sanity along the way! Only six weeks until I move off the island. Everything is happening very quickly now. Once Bea and I get to Bath and are settled we can have time to rest. So if anyone out there is struggling with their PhD - due to tight deadlines or just general stress.....at this point I understand... However, when you are up against the odds, its just worth putting it all into perspective. ........world famine, poverty, HIV/AIDs epidemic, child labour, civil war.....and so forth. Yes, things here are perhaps not so bad after all.

Sadly not, I need to stay here until the middle of June. I have a nanny who looks after Bea at home, whilst I write up - and she is great. So I wanted to keep the continuity of her care with Bea. Plus, in terms of the settlement I guess I need to be here to sit in a room and work out things in an amicable way. I plan to rent somewhere for a few months - but I have found somewhere I would like to buy - the owners are not ready to move until September so I would still need to rent until then. The job at University starts in September. So much change. I also need to find a nanny in Bath for Bea. I was hoping to not put her into nursery until she was potty trained aged 2. By then I suspect she will be more than ready for nursery - so I have lined up two to go and see - they usually have waiting lists - thus, best to get things ready in advance. Thats the plan - I hope, as you suggest, once I have moved things will feel a little easier on the old heart strings.