Here's a quote for you:

"The difficulty lies not in the new ideas, but in escaping the old ones" John Maynard Keynes (1936) Ohhhhh how right you were Mr Keynes!

Thank you for all your beautiful and caring posts. Surprisingly (as I write this to the world!) I am quite a private person. I have literally only told two friends what has happened. Even when I look down at my hands tapping on the keys - and see my wedding and engagement ring missing (my husband has them) - I feel something is missing. I am missing him. I can't help it - he was my best friend. Its lonely being on an island and out in the countryside. I've never even had a bank account in my name.....it sounds crazy now I write that - it was my husband that dealt with all our finances - I had an extension of his account. So today I finally set up my own bank account. Surprisingly, the bank manager came to my bedsit!!! sat on my sofa and set one up for me!! hilarious. I remember the days when I couldn't get a tiny increase in my overdraft - now the bank manager sits on my sofa. This way I can start to be financially independent. I am beginning to learn that money is very powerful in decision making. I wish it wasn't but it appears to be. I have to stay to on the island until a settlement is reached....but we have a rough limit for the end of June. Not long now. I really surprised myself with Bath and Birmingham. It felt really good to know that I wasn't rubbish at everything. I have chosen Bath. It looks so pretty and I suspect the University shall be enjoyable. I thought Birmingham would have been such a big change for Bea and I. It was the better job - but its not all about me now - I hope for Bea to have trees and grass and lambs and butterflies all around her growing up. Its close to the southwest which will be nice....beaches and surf. Started looking at places to rent and buy - I am hoping to find a pretty cottage. I am now focusing on the PhD - as I have a job now. I often wonder what is the point of the whole thing. Lets face it - who is going to read it! But its important to finish it. Its almost a part of me now. I use to be scared about writing - in case it was not perfect - now I am free from that - and it is liberating! I hope everyone is well, safe and happy, with love Heidi and Bea

You are so right ....life is more than money and objects....its about people and happiness. I intend to teach Bea how to be happy. That is my number one parenting job. All else will fall into place if she is happy. And I will give her an enormous squeeze - hippo sized. Thank you.

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You are so right.....positive positive positive thinking! I will do my best!

Hello everyone... I hope you are all well and busy tinkering away on the keys...making the magic happen....and the PhD progressing.....so here's the update. I have been offered two post-doctorate teaching posts at Bath and Birmingham. I am feeling very lucky indeed. So much of my time over the past ten days has been securing a new life for Bea and I in England. Things with my husband have made no real improvement. If I am truly honest with myself, I think he has found someone else. I use to be all lovely and sparkly....then once my special Bea came along...I had baby sick in my hair....I was shattered from breastfeeding all night....and I was just not sexy. The most ironic thing of all - is that our relationship - or how we met is just about to be published in a romantic article - I cannot bring myself to tell them my husband has locked the baby and I out of our home and generally been very unpleasant....so there we go. It took years to build a relationship and a few words to let it all fall down. However, the upside is that I am more settled in to the place we are living. Bea is doing great...and the PhD slowly ticking over. I think its time to up the pace now....but I shall keep you all posted. Coming over to England to find a place for Bea and I to live - and a little part of me is excited about the prospect of new beginnings. I made a terrible housewife...(it was just to boring)...but hopefully I will make an excellent mother and academic. Thank you for all your kind words...they really help - in fact I can not express how much they help. It is so generous of people to find the time to care. Thank you, Heidi

So....an update is required. But firstly please may I say thank you to everyone who has looked after me and my daughter - who has given me courage - inspired me - picked me up when I was down - and thoughtfully encouraged me when I thought all the lights had gone out.

My daughter (Bea) is doing really well - she had her developmental test and passed it with flying colours. She has grown a few more teeth (all the better for chomping with!), she is now officially over half my height!!! which is pretty funny as she is 10 months old (I am 5'7) - my husband was 6'8 - hence we have a very tall daughter! She is learning new skills each day and full of the most wonderful cuddles. Her smile could light up the southern hemisphere.

My PhD - slow start back to writing again - but oddly the words are flowing better than before - I understand things I didn't before - and I am moving it in the right direction. I feel it is possible and will be done - I am not seeing it as a chore - but more of a release - I can escape in to it. I have a fairly structured plan of how many words to achieve each day - give or take - and I am currently following it. I am also being kind to myself when I do not meet a particular deadline.

My life - I have started to make two plans - one with my husband - if he decides he loves Bea and I - and one without my husband - just for Bea and I.

I have the opportunity of two postdoctoral posts on the mainland - I think this is where I will end up. At present I am on a small island - I miss the university and most of all the university library. I think I have a thing for the smell of libraries - perhaps its all the knowledge....and all the exciting things I have yet to learn or find out. Stephen Fry once said 'an original idea...can't be too hard - the library must be full of them'!! hilarious.

I am so tired - I wish I could sleep - but we cannot have it all. Tomorrow I have decided to have lunch with a neighbour - this is a good thing as I know nobody!

Hoping you all sleep like a new born baby badger, Heidi

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Only written 1500 this week. Not a great start. But its been my first week back. Those words are final draft. Main thing is that I have stretched my wings. All of your kind words have given me courage to believe I can do this. And I will not let you down or myself and Bea (my daughter). Thank you for all listening to this mad as a goat rambling looney - I am sorry I am mad as a billy goat at the moment - usually I promise I am only half as bonkers! I hope the Easter bunny hops along to all of you this weekend, with love from H

Second day of writing:

Number of words: 560

Hours spent: 6

Best experience of the day: Daughter getting her third and fourth tooth - all the better to chomp with!

Best quote of the day: "There's nothing like unrequited love to take all the flavour out of a peanut butter sandwich." Charlie Brown.

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First day of writing:

Number of words achieved: 3

Number of hours on the paragraph: 6

Best experience of the day: Ten month old daughter learning to kiss me - even if it was all sloppy - and kind of wide open mouthed - like a man eating shark - but I liked it!

Progress back to writing the phd has strong correlation to Top Gun - in the scene after Goose dies - they say 'keep sending him back up' to get Maverick flying again.

Tomorrow I'll send myself back up - and see if more words can fall on the page.

H

So its a new day....and we have blue skies. Today I am going to tackle two things. The first is I am going to start writing. I shall report back whether I have any success. The second is that I am going to learn about PTSD - and try and be more supportive for my husband. Even if it turns out that I am just useless to him - and he never wishes us to be a family again - at least I can start trying to understand and communicate better. One way or another - we will always be connected as we have a daughter. Thus - start writing phd - and then later start reading up on PTSD and how I can be more supportive.

People I have the extension!!! I have an extra six weeks. I am going to use it wisely. Feeling like a very lucky girl right now. Thank you all for encouraging me to ask. Thank you xxx

Thank you....when I read it all back - everything I wrote last night - it puts a huge lump in my throat - because firstly it makes it all real and, secondly - it has just been horrible and I realise how lonely I have been. I think being alone on the island - and perhaps isolating myself - because I feel ashamed that I cannot keep my family together - is not really helping me. Today, I called the VC dean of research - and the graduate school - they said that the person who can sanction extra time for me is currently on leave...so I have to wait. They did say that they could see this was a 'challenging time' - I asked whether I could even be considered for maternity leave - as my baby is so young (they gave me four months before)...again I am waiting for them to decide if they feel they can help me. I have asked for a six week extension - so not a massive amount of time - but enough. I think the last few weeks I have been in shock and trying to understand what my husband is doing and why. Also if I can support him. However, he does not wish that. He has locked down his life to us. He planned it fairly well as I popped to the UK to see my sister for two days - and when I got back the locks were changed - and his father stood over me saying I had only 1 hour to get my things - and would not let my daughter be with me in the house (as we could have stayed forever if he had). I would have lived in a cardboard box with my husband. I just loved him. My husbands father has always been very dominate in our lives. He does not like women to be independent and have careers. I cannot even imagine what my husband must have said to him to allow all of this. As we have never even had an argument. Its very confusing. Since I employed an excellent family lawyer - my husband has been much more reasonable. Its just a roller coaster depending on his mood. I suppose I feel a bit lost as he was our moral compass - our protector of the family. I trusted him. He was my best friend. I use to be pretty and cute - but these days I am more likely to have baby sick down my top - he then goes to the office with all these beautiful women - I probably can't blame him. I just miss my best friend. Now, all that aside...I still need to work out a way to complete. This is one thing I can control in my life... I think completing will do me the world of good - and for my daughter too. I will then always be able to provide for her. So this is my plan (or rather two plans) the first is day by day completion plan without the extra six weeks - and the second is with the extra six weeks. I have a nanny/childminder who can help me with my daughter - so my daughter can keep in routine, as well as have a serious supply of cuddles and play from me and the nanny. I have a lawyer - and I now need to trust him to fight for our interests. I do not want to make this difficult or harm my husband. So I will go for a quick settlement - and let him keep his millions. In the end, I have the most precious thing - one bundle of love. He may not realise it yet but life is about families. If you push everyone away to get to the top - and then you get there and there is nobody to share it with - thats a lonely place to be. I would rather have less and a life filled with happiness and love than the money. However, I do need to be practical. Our daughter is signed up for private education - I shall secure that. I will secure enough for a home for us and maintenance. My husband has said he does not want this to go to Royal Court and be public. So I expect he will be happy with my wishes. I know in the short term this is my pain - and in the long term his. I guess what I do not understand is why people cannot see how truly lucky they are. Thank you everyone for being so thoughtful. Perhaps there is hope for humanity yet! With love Heidi