Lilobeep, thanks for yor encouraging post. I am wondering after you told your supervisor that you are considering quitting, did he/she changed how he/she acted towards you? Was it a "huge deal", or was it forgotten soon enough?

In my case, I did and still do seriously consider quitting. I didn't just bluff and say this to provoke a reaction. I just wish I held back from saying anything until I have reached a firmer decision. I now cringe when I remember the entire conversation. I hope I will be able to live this one down.

I worry about being perceived as unstable.

While sup B is right on most of his points, he doesn't know how much he underestimates me. That particular piece of writing is poor, I will give him that, but it's not even close to my best effort.

I feel so deflated. A friend of mine who is also a PhD student was stunned that I meantioned quiting to my supervisor. I wish I could take it back. Not because I haven't seriously considered quitting (and I still do), but because I didn't want to talk to my supervisor about it until I am absolutely 100% on quitting.
I hate to be one of these people to threaten supervisors with quitting.

I have no idea where to go from here. My motivation is now at an all time low and I don't see that getting better. WIth this incident I have now burned my bridges to possibly getting a job in my department after the PhD. I have presented myself as unstable. Part of me strongly wishes to go thorugh with quitting.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Ever since my barely passed viva upgrade, I have been struggling with my PhD. Me and my original supervisor (let's call him A) got another very senior supervisor (let's call him B) who is a well respected academic about a year ago. I have had meetings with both A and B every 4-6 weeks and about every week with A.

Anyway, last 6 months I have lost most of my motivation. I really didn't put a lot of work in, and as a result produced rubish. I have considered quitting, been on the verge of quitting for months but have never mentioned it to any of my supervisors. Supervisor A is never very critical of me and I consoled myself with thoughts that my writing is not that bad, because after all if it was my supervisor would call me out on it.

Yesterday, as soon as I woke up, I knew it was going to a very bad day indeed. I felt sick, like I was coming down with a flu but I had to drag myself to uni because I had a meeting scheduled with both supervisors (A and B). They were supposed to give me feedback about the document I have produced that is supposed to be a part of my thesis.

After initial small talk, supervisor B proceeds to criticize my writng. In fact, to tear it to shreds. He said how he just doesn't see me writing the whole thesis if this is gonig to be my standard of writing. How my writing doesn't follow a story, is not clear, he could not understand what the hell I was doing. It went on and on for 40mins. I sat mostly silent and close to tears. Supervisor A didn't say much either and basically just nodded in agreement few times. Keep in mind that supervisor A saw this piece of wirting numerous times and said that it's pretty good and only made some minor edits.

Afterwards supervisor A called me into his office and just said that supervisor B is a great academic and that I should take all his comments on board. He really didn't even attempt to make me feel better in any way.

So I was sick and tired and pissed and not thinking clearly. I stormed into supervisor A office and asked "If I quit now would I have to pay back my studentship money?" Supervisor A was stunned. First told me that I am not thinking celarly, then proceeded to repeat "don't quit" over and over again. Suddenly he started saying how supervisor B is overly harsh and critical and I should take his comments with the grain of salt. He even forwarded me an e-mail where supervisor B tore his (supervisor's A) grant to shreds. Then, sup A said that I have already put too much work into it, that "even though he knows I don't care about this, it will reflect very badly on him given that I am his first and only PhD student". He told me to take a week off and rest and then re-visit this conversation again.

I have been wondering about this. What if you are half way through PhD and decided to quit? Would it look bad for the supervisor within the department? Or do they just say that the student wasn't capable enough etc..

Sometimes I thin that when supervisors get stuck with students that aren't that capable, hard working and motivated they would almost want to get rid of the student. Not sure if that's really the case though...

Olivia, I re-read your post again and you have certainly given me something to think about.

Just to add that when he is being distant I have never asked him why or if it's anything to do with me. I pretended not to notice. So he came up with "too much of a friend" comment by himself on at least 3 occassions.

It is also possible that when I feel confident that things are going well PhD wise, I am less sensitive to his actions.

Thanks for your posts guys.

I am aware that quite a few times supervisor has personal problems and is distracted. But my supervisor is also very two-faced, passive-aggressive and avoids confrontation at any cost.

There is also a really big difference in how he acts towards me if my PhD is progressing well vs if it is not. If it were just him being distracted by other issues, his levels of "friendliness" would not change that much. Example: if my PhD is not going well and I e-mail to ask to set up a time for a meeting and he is busy he will reply with short "I am busy this week, let's meet next week." If my PhD is going well he will reply with "I am sorry but I am busy this week. I am so very annoyed that I have to do X and meet with Y." then he will proceed to give me the exact details of his week ahead and share a funny story or two about something that happened to him or his family. He would also share exactly why he is being distracted etc. The pattern is so clear that it's impossible to miss.

Also, he independently told me about him being too much of a friend to me, so he is obviously aware of some sort of boundary problem.

I guess my main issue with being purely distant and proffesional even when he attempts to be friendly is that it will only hurt me in the long run. He is my supervisor with so much power over my PhD that I am afraid I will piss him off and receive less help.

======= Date Modified 15 51 2009 02:51:26 =======
I have an annoying problem with my principal supervisor. I am now about 3 years into my PhD (part-time). This supervisor has a very friendly personality and will always chat to his students and RAs about his life and various other topics. I responded in kind, and we formed somewhat "close" relationship. I am putting "" around close because we weren't exactly best buddies or anyhting but close relative to the average supervisor-student relationship.

All was well until I started hitting a rough patch with my PhD a year ago. I barely passed my viva and had some harsh criticisms. My supervisor was supportive but has visible distanced himself. He even said once something along the lines of "I made a mistake with you of becoming too much of a friend and not enough of a supervisor". This is completly fine with me, I was never friends with any of my other lecturers or supervisors, and it was him that initiated friendly dynamic and opened up about his life.

Anyway, I worked hard and my PhD started improving. As soon as that happened the supervisor was back to being very friendly, exachanging e-mails that talk about what he did on the weekend, funny stories about what happened to him that day etc etc. Since then I had few ups and downs and each time my PhD took a turn for the worse he would again distance himself again.

I am kind of sick of the push-pull dynamic and keep in mind that he never discusses my PhD problems at all, but "punishes" me by being generally distant (WTF?). My main problem here is that nothing is discussed openly but I instead have to guess how my PhD is going by his demeanor. Of course, sometimes he is just distant because he has other problems so it's hard for me to "guess" and read minds.

I would also prefer a consistent, distant relationship regardless of how my PhD is going rather than being friends or not friends on his whim.

Let me know if you have any thoughts on this problem....

Supervisors absolutely hate students taking breakes, leaves of absences and such. While some will appear to care, they are usually just being polite and want you to get on with work ASAP. You seemed to have taken lots of breaks. Pregnancy during a PhD is a bad idea, let alone 2. It shows your lack a commintment. You have got to leave your emotions out of this and find out clear facts, do you need to publish 3 papers to graduate, is your supervisor REALLY plagarising your work etc.

Well, I appealed and was successful at the start of my PhD.

I also got the rejection letter and it looked pretty final. I went to my then proposed supervisor (and now my supervisor) and she said that she wants me to appeal. She wrote a long letter to them and took subjects apart from my masters course and then looked at marks for each subject that is relevant to my PhD topic (and excluded the rest) and calculated my new average mark - which was very high. She also attached couple of my references (from my masters supervisor and from a lecturer). In the last semester of my masters course I had some medical circumstances that she argued also lowered my final marks for that semester (and we attached all the supporting medical documentation).

Anyway, I got a letter of offer within a week of sending that off. I am in Australia and am not sure what 2ii is.

Main point is, you REALLY need your potential supervisor to back you up on this. If you wrote them a letter yourself, it would look a lot weaker.

Bilbo,

How did your supervisor react when you asked for a break?

Well, the events are now set in motion and there is no turning back.

Supervisor replied to my e-mail where I said that I would like to talk about my PhD and that it's important and that I would prefer to do it in person.

She said that "she hopes everything is OK", that kind of made me lol as everything is as far from OK as it can get. Also that she is availble in person tommorrow and any day.

I answered that I prefer to wait until next week when I am officially back at university after my course. And that was that.

Now I can't sleep and whole thing is running around in my head and what I want to say even though it's week and a half away.

I probably should have just met her tommorrow and had it over and done with. But I am still unsure if I am going to ask for a 3 months break, 6 motnhs break or just quit.

I will do it in person. I have a course whole next week (that my supervisor is paying me to attend sigh) but I will be back the week after that and I will tell her. I plan to be very nice about it and say how stressed and depressed I am and it's impacting my illness, I will also say how grateful I am for all her help etc.

She was planning to argue the lack of funding for the trip on my behalf so I just e-mailed her to tell her not to do anything about this until I get back. I said that there is something important I need to discuss in regards to my whole PhD but I would rather do it in person.

Thanks for all of your replies. It helped a lot.

I have made a decision to take a leave of absence (6 months) and if my supervisor doesn't agree with it to quit. After today's developments (being rejected for conference funding) and my supervisor basically telling me that she doesn't have time to look at my work for at least 2 weeks (and no she is not busier than normal she is just avoiding me), I can't take it anymore. I couldn't wait to come home today so that I can cry in peace. I don't think that any PhD deserves so much of my torment and tears.

I am just not sure how to get over hearbreak and feelings of failiure and loss that accompany this decision. I feel like I felt when my long term relationship ended. For those of you that have quit, do you regret it? Does it get easier? Are you still on these forums because you are not yet able to "let the whole PhD thing go?"

I talked to my parents and after last 6 months of constant tears they have finally gotten around to me quiting. It is a huge dissapointment for them too as they are and have always been very proud of me and wanted me to complete.

On to the practical issues, how should I let my supervisor know of my decision? Should I write an e-mail (which would be easier on me) or should I do it in person (which I know is THE right thing to do). I worry that I will cry and embarass myself if I do it in person.

Keep proffesional boundaries and do not become friends with students. New supervisors often make a mistake of wanting to be liked and blur the lines. Keep the conversation to small talk and academic issues, have agendas for each meeting and put clear boundaries on your time.

I am so frustrated at my supervisor. She has been nice and supportive or so I thought. True, I have a chronic illness and have probably whinged to her a few times but she always seemed OK with it and would give me advice and even e-mail me later to see how I was.

Few days ago, I was marking assignments with another lecturer who is a friend of my supervisor. She sort of went on and on in a round about way how difficult it is to deal with students who use up a lot of supervisor's time, how supervisors are not there to be friends or therapists etc. She was talking in general and looking at me. I just KNOW that this relates to me and that my supervisor has probably been talking s$it behind my back.

If this really was a problem with my supervisor, she should have had a talk with me or at least even look like she is busy and that I am annoying her (I am very good at reading people). But she seemed fine with it. After each meeting she would arrange another one in a week time (so seeing me once a week was her idea and not mine, so I don't see why she should complain).

Not sure if I should bring this up with her, but that could get awkward. Should I just suggest that we meet less frequently?