Hi bewildered,

I have re-read your posts few times and that's actually quite a good perspective. I have a feeling that most of what you have said is actually true in this situation. It's obvious that she has trouble dealing with all this too as she now goes from being very harsh and critical one day to e-mailing me a very supportive e-mail the next. It's just a mess. Part of me would like to ask her to step off the project but I'm afraid that this will look bad for her career and I still have some sense of loyalty to her. Besides that, her background is most relevant to my project out of anyone in the department. I'm also worried that her motivation to help re-define my project now is dropping and it's certanly not helping that I'm so upset about all this that I'm barely doing any real work myself. Given that I'm getting two additional people on my supervisory panel now I guess I will try to be as proffesional as I can and just keep going.

You will also need to fix a fake smile and deal with some completly vile people (academics) that you have to work with. If you are unlucky, your supervisor will be one of them. You won't be able to say anything though because you are just a student and they all protect each other (even if they too secretly hate each other's guts). You will think "get fuc%ed" each time you see your supervisor while continuining to smile and make small talk.

Overall, whole PhD experince is a lot more negative than I ever thought it would be, and I'm really a very negative person to begin with.

5th year - suicide

Thanks guys, I apreciate your help as always.

My sup did say a few times that she has been too much of a friend to me and not enough of a supervisor. I guess what puzzles me there is that she has a couple of research aasistants under her and she is quite friendly with them too. I mean not any different than she is with me. It doesn't seem to cause any problems there and yet it's a problem with me.

Is the supervisor/student relationship really any different than boss/staff relationship?

And now when it's obvious that nothing about about the project is brilliant she is going to great lengths to absolve herself of any responsibility, I mean if a senior person told her to throw me off the nearest building she would gladly do it.

Other thing is that since we had frequent meetings despite the fact that those were spent with her chatting about non-PhD related things most of the time, it's very easy for her to defend herself. But poor supervision comes in many forms and the amount of contact time is not the only one.

I do need to say something, since I have been mutely taking all this up until now. I will write down some points at home and will practise talking about this in a neutral voice. This is all causing me so much anguish that I'm fully prepared to quit so I feel like I don't have much to lose by having it out.

I guess the other problem is that I am very emotional person. Today in the meeting with my primary sup, I was fighting back tears, was on the verge of actually crying in there. My supervisor is inexperienced in supervision and I strongly feel has no idea of what level is PhD project supposed to be at and what's expected from a PhD student and therefore gives inappropriate feedback. I have sensed this in a way and have pushed for getting an additional supervisor long before the viva, but my sup had those grandiose plans of supervising this "brilliant" project alone to show her bosses what she is capable of (she did actually say exactly this at one point).

I have since not even had time to absorb the negative comments properly as at each meeting she repeats those same criticisms (that are pretty abstract I might add) without giving me specific ideas on how to improve the project. Since having a pleasant working enviroment has now gone out of the window, I'm thinking of standing up for myself and instead with agreing with what she is saying to just ask her how I don't understand how she has led me to think that everything was great leading up to the viva when it obiously wasn't and has now done a complete 180 degrees and why has this not been picked up earlier. I might add some more things but am trying to not get on personal attack.

Or should I just sit down, be quiet and swallow the crap being thrown at me.

Is this ever a good idea? My primary supervisor has become someone I don't even recognize anymore. After my dreaded viva (which I passed but got negative comments), things went from bad to worse. We got another more senior person on the supervisory panel since who was EXTREMLY critical of my work which has left me feeling pretty deflated and unmotivated. My primary supervisor was comforting immediatly after that, saying to take about 50% of the criticsm and throw it away. The following week, however at the joint meeting my primary supervisor agreed 100% with the senior supervisor.

Same thing happened at my viva. Leading up to the viva my primary supervisor who saw me every week, told me over and over again how great I am doing, writing masterpicies even! and really nothing but praise. Cut to viva where I was ripped to shreads and my dear supervisor agreed with all negative things said about me. It's like she will do anyhting to kiss some senior ass.

I guess I am lucky that I have a office shared with a staff memeber, my own desk and a PC.

Generally, other PhD students are not treated all that well in our department unless they are fancy shcholarship holders or are towards the very end of the PhD and have some publications and have proved themselves in some way.

Just few hours ago I have canceled a meeting with my primary supervisor next week as I can't stand to see her right now (I made up some excuse about post grad association meeting). I also felt comfortable as I had a meeting with my second supervisor who I prefer as a person. Then, just few minutes after that my second supervisor emails me that he can't make it to the meeting and wants to reschedule for 2 weeks (they are not in contact in any way so that was just a coincidence). Great, nothing is going right.

Exactly right Olivia. My computer is 7 years old which is WAY past the 5 year limit.

Olivia, are you feeling better about things? Quiting is still constantly on my mind...

P.S. English is not my first language so I apologize for grammar/spelling errors.

Computer really is my immediate problem. It is so bad that I can't open more than 3 windows without it getting stuck and so slowed down that I am only able to work at one tenth of normal pace. I have mentioned this number of times in front of the supervisor and nothing. As a result I am going home earlier and earlier and supervsior is getting pi%&ed off making everything even worse.

For example my supervisor has recently hired a new research assistent. She has done nothing yet and she has gotten a new computer as soon as she started (while I still have the old one). I'm trying to justify this as me being a part time student and her being a full time staff member so it's normal (and she has a very long term contract) but deep down I feel it's a favoritism.

Badhaircut, I just don't think I have the motivation to fight back. It's very hard getting back from the bottom so this is where I will stay. 1.5 years to go and hopefully I will be out of there and never see those people again. I just can't help but be very depressed about it.