I wish I could go back in time and prepare for the damn viva better. I really didn't take it all that seriously and barely preapred at all. I'm now forever destined to be seen as a crappy PhD student that is burden to all and wastes university resources. I really don't know if there is any way to get people to perceive me differently...

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I had a bad first year viva that I barely ended up passing and unlucky for me, most of my department came to watch. It's now been 2 months after this and I can sense change of attitude in people around me. I'm involved in couple of side projects that will lead to papers and I am being given crappier and crappier tasks to do. I'm now last person to be included in the "to:" line of the group emails regarding those projects and I was in the middle before. I was also supposed to do joint talk with another person at the department seminar about one of those projects and am now being that "I'm better of concetrating on my PhD project". I'm also working on the worst and slowest computer in the world and despite my constant complaints noone is offering to get me another computer.

Guys, do you think it can hurt supervisor's feelings if you suggest less frequent meetings?

At least once a week and few emails in between. But this is not "normal" and I'm trying to cut down.

I have a friend in the department (another student) who I trust fully. We have agreed to listen for conversations that go around about either of us when we are not there. So far she has reported back to me that my principal supervisor said to a collegue that she can't stand any of her PhD students except for ME. But then again she saw my friend standing within the ear shot so we are not sure that this was genuine. I am sure that my friend will dig something up that I won't like to hear soon enough.

Aghh, I better go and focus on my PhD project.

Olivia, I never repeat things that are said to me which might make things worse as now I'm seen as "truthworthy" and "safe" to bitch to. But you are right that some boundaries need to be set.

Oh yes, staff too. I just notice student bitching more because I'm a student and thus sensitive to that. My supervisor bitches about her boss constantly (but kisses his ass when they interact in person), bitches about collegues that win awards and thinks they are "undeserving" etc.
I have just been marking exams with one of the lecturers and the whole time she kept saying things like "just between you and me" and proceeds to bitch about one collegue after another..

Then there is my recent poor viva performance and I constantly worry whats been said about it behind my back. I mean I really thought that academics have beeter things to do.

I guess I'm wondering if this happens at other universities/departments and how do I know when I'm being paranoid and when I'm just being perceptive/realistic? I actually worry about this quite a lot.

I don't know if this is very common, but I work as a TA for 3 subjects so I come in regular contact with other lecturers/proffesors as well as my supervisors. I have noticed that those people love to make fun of their students. This ranges from undergrads to PhDs. Most common is making fun of their poor academic performance followed by students who are overly clingy, paster them etc. Now quite a few do this openly in front of me and expect me to join in and have a laugh with them (which I uneasily do). What's even worse is when I see them interacting with those students afterwards and they are all extremly nice and pleasant.

Of course now that I'm aware of this I can't stop thinking that I am made fun of in the same way when my back is turned. I have had an especially close relationship with my principal supervisor and now feel like I was wrong to trust her with some personal details of my life. I can almost "see" her making fun of me with her collegaues, but there is no way to know for sure.

Definetly can and have refused to have someone as a co-author. Have also refused a person my supervisor suggested to be my co-supervisor. I find that my supervisor is pretty easy going as long as I have good logical arguments as to why I want/don't want something.

Anyone else delays their meetings with supervisors due to not having done enough work? I am so happy that I have managed to postpone my meeting for 2 weeks :)

I call myself PhD candidate. It sounds a bit classier than the student and since I have now passed my upgrade I feel like it's a suitable title.

"looking into academia feels like trying to stuff myself into a dark, airless chamber for the rest of my life"

This is EXACTLY what I feel. I look at professors in my department and they all seem pretty unhappy to me. My supervisor opened up about this and said that there is so much work, stress and pressure that she constantly feels like she is going to end up in a mental hospital. I have realized that my desire to compete and succeed as an academic is just not strong enough... BUT I'm not able to quit the PhD either (I have this thing of knowing that I will be haunted by being a failed PhD student for the rest of my life). I have made the decision to just cruise along and do the minimum to complete succesfull thesis and then leave this chapter of my life and move on to something I actually enjoy doing.

I don't think you should tell your supervisors just yet. I made a mistake of telling my supervisor every single problem I have had and while I thought that's because we had a good close relationship, I only ended up being perceived as a difficult student. Supervisors are not really there for emotional support.

You and me both... Sigh.