Hi Cad,

I am in that situation sometimes, I am a third year PhD student, and the two first years I had a lot to do but sometimes was really boring and zero productivity. I think that they gave you a lot of good ideas, you can have something else to do apart from the lab (I am doing gym time for example) and maybe go out with another students and you will see that they feel like you a lot of times.

You can use the apps that are suggested or use google calendar with an organized schedule for the day and what you achieve or not...that will give you a goal for the day/week.

I hope that it helps and I feel like you sometimes and although it is normal is better that you solve it!

All the best.

And it was really sad and a had a big deception with my boss, because he puts me in this lab with this co-mentor, and after telling him that I did want to change labs, that I did want to stop working here, he did not helped me, he knew that I was not fine here and he did not gave me any solution (like we can do your project or similar thing in another lab because he has another grant with other lab or I can talk to other people..) he just told me you stay/or go...and that really hurt me because I trusted him. He never speaks about it or he never asks me about ¨How are things going with this person?¨or ¨Are you doing ok?¨. I thing that this is the hardest thing that I have learned and done... I was really grateful to my boss because he gave me the possibility to do a PhD in another country but I did not expect that from him...it was like throwing me to the lions...and zero responsability... your student is telling you that she is not doing fine and you do nothing??

I am learning a lot from this experience, it is being an eye opening experience...but I did not recommend this to anyone, at least I have very good friends at the campus (I am a very social person) and I have my husband with me and my family (at least by Skype) but my personal life goes really well, that makes me feel stronger.

But this is not over, I am not going from here without stepping out about this problem with my co-mentor or without giving him the answer that he deserves.

Thank again that really helped me.

Hi Tudor_Queen and pm133,

Thanks a lot for giving me a new vision of my problem, it is difficult for me to speak up, when I was growing up, nobody showed me to defense myself or speak up when I had a problem and it is related with abuse. That is not an excuse to not doing it now, but it is a behavior that I learn...be silent and not do any noise, and I hate that part of myself but I am learning how to deal with it. I started (a long time ago) individual counseling in my country and now here, I am working my confidence and it is working (although it seems that not), I have told a lot of times my conflict with the project and how change it and put some of my ideas, it work partially but it worked. I talked with my boss about my situation in the lab like I am not fine in that lab, I do not like the project or the person with I am working...but I did not have any solution...you stay here or go in a lab with a new project, and believe me, I tried to move to another lab and every person that I talked with was stopping me...trying to convince me about staying (and this for an international student I can tell you that is really crazy/hard stuff).
They told me that is not good for the CV to change labs in the middle of your PhD. I do not know if this is true...but I am not from this country and I do not know the rules.They told me that if I was preparing a paper my name would not be there if I go and going to another lab will delay my PhD for a year at least (I did not care about this).

I am speaking out but this personal things, I have never told to my boss or as you know my husband, I thought that I could manage this without freaking out, now after reading you guys I can understand that this behavior is not ok and I this situation has to change.

pm133 you do very good with your kids, I will do the same when I have mine...growing up without confidence is really hard and it follows you the rest of your life until you start working on it. And absolutely, I will use my husband next time!! I am a fighter and I did not want to change my project because I have a creepy guy around me, it is like you do not win I am!I think that this maybe could be the principal reason of why I am still here.

Thanks so much again for the support and for listening. I will continue fighting! And trying this new things that you gave me.

Thanks pm133, I have never told my husband all this things, I thought to told him about it but I did not want to upset him or worry him I thought that I can manage this by myself...but sometimes I think to talk to him about it...

The case is that I have never told my co-mentor that I feel uncomfortable with his comments about my physical appearance or other kind of things like coming to my desk just to see how I am doing...I do not know how he is going to react to hay , I really do not care but there were a lot of times that he was mistreating me or doing the silence time to me... that is another case of abuse here, and use my husband well it is something that I can try next time maybe, I was thinking in telling my co-mentor that he should keep those comments to himself that I do not need that now, but usually when he tells me something like that I am in shock and i cannot answer well.
I never told him that I am not interested in him or his comments but it’s something that I was thinking about, my behavior is showing him that I am not comfortable there and he feels that it he doesn’t care.
It seems to me like when I started to not follow his game” upsets him and now mistreats me a lot...

Thanks a lot for your words and support...

Thanks a lot for your answers and support, I think that the best to try is to manage things as discrete as possible...you never know...if I talk with the graduate director and decide going to another lab I have to be very careful because my mentor is really well known at the university...so this is a big problem, but I am dealing with it as best as I can, I just wan to finish my PhD and forget, but sometimes my frustration is so big that I will leave tomorrow...

Thanks so much, you help me a lot.

[quote]Quote From Tudor_Queen:
Hi MyWorld

Thanks so much for your support and words, it means a lot...and I am sorry about your experience...that is really unfair.
well I was dealing with that difficult decision about changing labs a couple months ago, but the advice that my director track gave me surprised me like do not move things, you are better there because you know the research and you can be independent,etc...and my boss too.
So I have a boss who pays me that is a mentor and a co-mentor, the one who I am working with, but I called him my mentor because he is present everyday...my boss is not really present at all (too busy)...I do not have too much confidence with my real boss and he and my co-mentor they have a really good relationship, so I do not think that would be a good idea...I can suggest again about changing labs and see if his reaction now is different like asking more questions, but as you said, I would do that just saying maybe I feel uncomfortable..but not too much detail. I need a stipend so it is really difficult to find a lab with grants and at least a topic similar to mine...and my campus do not have a lot of opportunities...and I did not move too much because I rather to be discrete but maybe I should move more.

There is another possibility about talking with the director of graduate programs that is a woman and just tell her about me having troubles at my lab (do not specify)...
And for sure I will write a letter about this.

Thanks again, you are great.

[quote]Quote From Tudor_Queen:
Hi MyWorld

Tudor_Queen thanks so much for your reply and support...I really appreciate this...I knew that it was creepy, and yes, I am an international student...
I have talked about this with my personal counselor at the university and some friends, they agree that is creepy but I do not know, my friends are international although my personal counselor is not and she advice me to get out from here.

It was a mix of things (adding this creepy thing and my mentor criticizing all of my ideas that were related with new techniques that he does not know about, because he thought that would mean me leaving, and he treats me very bad now) and I tried to move some things to see how easy would be to get out of this lab, but my boss (not my mentor) that is the one that puts me here to develop a project, told me that he cannot do anything to put me in another lab (he does not know this creepy stuff) and if I move to another place he would not be my support anymore...

I was looking for other labs in the campus but it would mean to loose everything that I have done here and I am in my third year of my PhD...I thought to continue for two years because I came here to work... and that was the recommendation of my director track (so I talked about get out only doing references of research problems) and I did not explain these to anyone else. My director track, my boss, other professor and including my mentor, knew about me wanting to move to another place but I did not find any support, only words of being quite and continue with my work, because fighting against the system does not work for anybody.

I am being careful with this but I did not comment about it to anyone involved in the research field...I think that I would only find trouble...but changing labs was the only option (drastic) that I was thinking about. The other option that I am doing is to be very curt, sometimes rude to give him the message that I am not fine in here, but that hurts me too.

Thanks so much for your words.

Hi everyone,

I wrote some time ago about the boredom of my PhD project, this thread is about some behavior from my mentor that makes me feel uncomfortable.

The first months that I was working in the lab was fine, he was really nice to me (and my husband) and I really enjoyed being around him. Suddenly things started to get a little strange when he wrote me a text to my phone when he was in a trip with his wife...the text was really nothing, a good morning in the sand of the beach...but it was like 7.30am and it felt a little uncomfortable... when he came back things were ok but I did not feel as well as before with him, and I think that he noticed that and started to come to my desk (a lot) just to see how I was doing. Sometimes it is really weird situation that I am dealing with as better as I can, I am the only student and anyone has noticed this...and a little way ago he told me "do not dress in a feminine way" or "you are not an unattractive person"...and that makes me think about his behavior.

Maybe it is me...and there are other situations like that and it really feels very uncomfortable and sometimes I control it and sometimes do not...he usually tells me that he cares about me and I think that it is true but it is just feel weird.

If someone has an opinion about this or a similar experience...I do not know if I am exaggerating...but I think that this is not appropriate and makes go to the lab everyday more difficult.

Thanks so much for the support.

Hi, I am sorry to hear that, I was with anxiety and depression in my first year, so I went to the student services and usually they have counselors that can help you to deal with that, for me is being great and I am still on it. My work is better and I feel that my counselor is helping me a lot. Try do something that you like maybe at the gym of your university between hours of lab...Yoga has been great to me.
I hope that this can help..

Thanks Tudor_Queen that is something that frustrates me a lot!but I am on a grant with a stipend so...I should just work on it...

Thanks so much for yous answers, I usually do things over the weekend but not after lab in the week, I should look for something to disconnect from my project and no go home straight away...
It is good to know that I am not alone on this!

Thanks!

Hi everyone,

It was a long time that I would like to write about my situation and I do not know if any has advice for me.
I am a graduate student in my third year, and the topic of my dissertation is really interesting to me but not the way that is being developed.
I have been working at the same place for years and I proposed new techniques and new ways to add data and make my PhD project better (and maybe publish in better journals) but my mentor is quite classic (old school) and he does not want to introduce anything that I am proposing, I have to do what he says and my ideas are not really being part of my project (he says that it will take me more time to develop those and I will be out of focus). I know that not everyone can develop their ideas but it is really frustrating and boring. Now I am going to work by myself and that is something that will help in my willing to enjoy my work here, but still the project and the techniques that we used are not very interesting to me.

I am here for two more years (I hope) and I will finish my PhD...and that thought is what is keeping me here..and the topic too, and maybe I can develop my ideas better in a postdoc... but sometimes my frustration keeps me away of enjoying this time of my life, and I know that this happens in a PhD but not everyday right?

Thanks so much.