Hi everyone, I've not even left for fieldwork yet and I already feel miserable! I'm going to a foreign country for 3 months of fieldwork in just over a week and everyone keeps telling me how exciting it is and how lucky I am. Yes, I do feel lucky because it's a unique experience that not many people get. However, in all honesty I'm not looking forward to it despite trying my best to think positively about the trip.

I know my husband and I are going to miss each other terribly. We both get very downhearted when we're apart and find it difficult to be productive. We also worry a lot about each other's safety. As I will be a young single woman alone, I get very wary of going outside a lot by myself, especially after dark, so I tend to stay at home a lot. Sexual harassment is a problem in the country I'm going to and I'm finding myself getting quite frightened of it. Also, making friends will pretty much be out of the question as I won't be in any kind of scholarly community and not many local people speak English. I speak a bit of the local language though so I can get by.

The nature of my fieldwork means I can't plan a lot of stuff ahead and I'll have to organise stuff when I'm there so I'm scared things won't go well and I won't be able to access the material that I need. Speaking to government types fills me with dread, as does navigating public transport across a really big unknown country.

I know I need to stop being so neurotic but if anyone has some specific coping mechanisms, I'd really like to hear about them.

Hi coralflower, sorry to hear you're feeling down. I definitely agree with Caro's advice. I'm nearly halfway through my second year and I felt the same not too long ago.

Firstly, recognise that what you're feeling is totally normal and very common with PhD students, a lot of whom are high-achieving and very conscientious people. I certainly went into it with lots of enthusiasm thinking "I'm gonna smash this!" then you're faced with constant negative feedback, extremely slow supervisors, isolation (is everyone doing better than me? probably?), and a lack of perspective. Getting that perspective back is really important.

Once you speak to a few more advanced PhD students, you'll realise most people didn't get much done in their first year. In fact, the majority of my first year was a 'waste' of my time, as I switched topics at the end of the first year so it made my reading and research useless...however, I look at it as part of a bigger journey that led me to pick a topic that's much better academically-speaking and more interesting. Even when I thought everything was going great in my second year, I had loads of negative feedback which really floored me and I'm recovering from it now. I felt totally useless and stupid but I now recognise that I was putting myself into a downward spiral of negativity and pessimism. All of these setbacks build up your resilience and help you deal with more in the future.

Like Caro said, take it one step at a time...and relax! Your brain needs to chill out and that'll help put you back on the right track. Like when you get a brilliant idea while having a shower. You're not weak and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Best of luck.

Hi postdoc_mum, welcome to the forum!

I live in a noisy city and I get quite anxious over lots of things, which can distract me quite a lot. I've found putting in earplugs, and then listening to white noise/streams and bird noises (loads on youtube) with over-ear headphones is really helpful. It sounds a bit cheesy, but it totally blocks out car horns, loud pedestrians, etc and has been really helpful for my productivity.

Also, I take frequent breaks (at least once an hour) of 10 mins, and in those breaks, either make a cup of tea, do some stretches or lie down and close my eyes - anything to get away from a screen for a bit. I have bad eyesight and posture so it helps with that too. Lastly, I put my phone and tablet out of grabbing distance, or in another room (knowing that I'm too lazy to go and pick them up). Hope that helps!

Hi Mara, please let us know how it goes! I'm quite keen on organising a study day, or something similar, and my department is absolutely tiny and studying very disparate topics so I doubt anyone would want to help me. Best of luck, N.

Hi again everyone,
Just a little update...so, I feel like a big fat chicken. I'm still not sure if my parents know, as they didn't really mention it over the holidays. I didn't see my brother and I haven't spoken to him yet so don't know if he told them. I had just about plucked up the courage to say something, when my dad lost his temper about something stupid and upset my mum. I couldn't then bear to be the bringer of bad news (assuming she didn't already know). Anyway, I've taken all of your advice on board, and will try to address the issue again soon. Maybe I'll send an anonymous email...is that weird? Time to take a break from the computer methinks...

Happy New Year! Hope everyone had a good one. Best wishes for the year to come. N

Hi all,

Thanks again for your thoughts, awsoci and marasp. I think constantly reminding myself to have a positive outlook on the future is certainly key. I think I worry about the bad things that could happen (or good things that won't happen!) because of negative experiences I've had in the past. Obviously I know I mustn't dwell on them but it's easy to fall back into these destructive thought patterns. I don't have a specific mental health issue but I sometimes think whether I should consult my university counsellor...I don't know how good the service is though. With regards to babies, I'd definitely want to wait until the PhD is all done and dusted. I know that I want to be a mum though, and my husband is so broody, it's not even funny. I'm definitely open to adoption so if my body say "no way!" then it's not the end of the world.

However, since posting my first message, I have had my request to write a book review for a good journal accepted, which I'm really chuffed about! I know it's not as prestigious as a 'proper' article but it'll be a big confidence boost to see my name in print. I have Caro to thank for that suggestion! And thanks for the suggestion about volunteer work. I think I'll look into that when I start my write-up and I'm more settled.

Hi Mara and Caro, thanks a lot for your responses. You made me feel better. Mara - big congrats on getting your PhD (saw on another thread!), and Caro, best of luck with your submission.

I know it's silly to keep worrying about these things. It's so easy (and common no doubt) to internalise these external pressures from supervisors and society whereas it'd be a lot healthier to let them wash over me and do my own thing. Sometimes I think if I don't worry about some of these things enough, I'll suddenly wake up three years from now and find myself lost or unhappy...

I like the suggestion of book and conference reviews. I'm going to look into how one goes about doing that. (or maybe I'll look into becoming an ice-cream taste tester, who knows)

Hi all, instead of a specific problem, I hope I can get some reassurance. I've just passed my upgrade and got good comments (woohoo) so am feeling a lot less stressed than I was a month ago but I still find myself worrying a lot about my future. I'm currently in my second year and I fully intend on submitting at the end of my third year, as long as I don't come up against any major obstacles.

I worry a lot about not having any conference papers or publications although I know that lots of people finish the PhD without these things. However, my department is extremely small and I know that a couple of the other students have done quite a few conferences and publications (the latter especially with the help of their supervisors, which makes me feel a bit bitter...). I am absolutely terrified of giving a presentation even though I know I am a good public speaker - it's the questions sections which fills me utter panic and dread. I nearly started crying in my upgrade assessment even though my examiners were lovely and didn't say anything bad! I felt like a basket case. Also, I simply don't have time to write publication-worthy papers because my thesis work takes up so much time.

I have a 4-year gap between undergrad and masters in which I did some good internships, I was unemployed, did some travelling, and there was a family bereavement which totally knocked me for six. This combination of things means I haven't ever had a 'proper' job and I'm nearly 30. I do think some of my internships are good but I still feel a bit juvenile when I look at my CV.

Lastly (!) I just got married to a fellow PhD student (in his first year in a very different field) and am constantly thinking about when we should start trying for a family. Ugh, I wish I could slap my brain and tell it to shut up!

Hi Klou,
I'm not sure about 'big names' but I'd go for three people who you think will think of you favourably! I'm speaking as a current PhD student at Oxford. Two of my referees knew my work well but the other didn't. I had to email him with a list of my results and what essay topics I'd done. However, I knew that he liked me enough to write something positive. Big names are all well and good but if you don't know any, how can you have one as a referee? I'd say only one of my three referees would have been known to the department. I'm a bit confused by who you're talking about in your third paragraph - am I correct in assuming you have two academic and one professional? I'm a little surprised you're applying for a PhD without a Masters but then again I'm in humanities and I hear it's different for the sciences. Good luck, and send along more questions if you have them.

Hi awsoci,

Thanks for your response. You're right, I am a bit worried he'll be mad at me if I end up getting involved as it's not really my fight...but I guess I'm getting pre-empitvely mad on my parents' behalf. At the moment, I'm hanging back and waiting to see what happens. However, I am going to talk to my mum in a next few days and see if she mentions it. She definitely would mention it if he'd told her! If he hasn't come clean by New Year, then I'll probably tell them. I think *mulled* wine is particularly appropriate given the season! Yumyum.

Oh also, sorry if this is obvious again, but remember to ask well in advance of the deadline (around one month) and make it really clear where they should send the reference and in what format (if applicable). They shouldn't have to look up any details themselves...i.e. kinda spoon feeding them. In the interests of staying on their good side :)

Hi there,

Though in theory asking for references from former lecturers and supervisors is part and parcel of the field, it can feel like getting blood from a stone sometimes! Presumably you've given sincere thanks to people who've given you references already? How many have you asked for and how many more do you need?

I have been in a similar situation, and I was incredibly apologetic, acknowledged how much time it took, and how grateful I was etc. Some people will be happy to keep paying it forward, but one of my references eventually replied with a terse "No, I'm too busy, I've done enough". I thought this was unreasonable but there was nothing I could do except say "thanks anyway". I panicked because I thought I had left it too late to ask someone else. However, I immediately emailed another person in my department (who I felt was a nice person) and she happily agreed to provide a reference. I hadn't asked her in the first place because she didn't know my work that well but as long as you think they'll say something nice, I think that's the main thing! I ended up getting my offer so I guess she did write something nice.

Remember to say thank you when you hear back from where you've applied (obvious I know but easy to forget), and even send a nice card or something if you're closer with certain referees (like a former supervisor). Good luck!

Thanks marasp. Yeah, tell me about it! If I could live at home, I would, but it's just too far away and there are no library facilities. I really didn't want my parents to give me any money as I'm not an undergrad anymore - they're certainly under no obligation to keep funding my education. But they insisted, and in return, I try to help out where I can, financially or practically. I get so frustrated with my brother, and how selfish he is. I will talk to them, and try to make my case.

I hope so. I'll wait to see what happens and try to remember to post an update, in case it helps anyone else in a similar situation (although I don't imagine there are that many people with similar stories!). Thanks a lot for your help Caro.