When I was practicing law there was a whole thing about using a first or middle initial in your name and signature as some sort of status...I dropped the use of a middle initial as not right for me, seemingly pretentious and status seeking---my name without the middle initial seemed more "me", but that is an individual choice. I think that the rightness of how you refer to your PhD degree seeking status is in part determined by the context of what you are doing, who you are trying to express this to, and what you want to convey.

I think its quality not quantity to be concerned with. I have never tried to write a thousand words in an hour ( have never clocked my speed!) but probably could, that being only a few paragraph. I have chunked out a paragraph or two in five or ten minutes, when trying to come up with an abstract for a conference proposal. But I don't think I would worry about how fast I can write over the quality of the writing. I would rather have five hundred quality words than five thousand ropey ones.

Mature mature student meaning OLDER than the average mature student, not an emotional state of grace!

I always say student--because that is what I am--I am attending a university in pursuit of knowledge and learning and a degree, that makes me a student ( according to me!). Sometimes I say mature student, sometimes I say student doing a PhD, sometimes I just say I am studying for a PhD, or if trying to clarify to someone that I am not a member of staff, I say I am ONLY a PhD student, to emphasise that I am NOT in a position of authority or whatever ( to a student knocking at the door, asking for an extension on an assignment, where their missing tutor is...or what have you).

It doesn't bother me to say student--I don't think it diminishes a capacity at all to say it--but then I am speaking from the perspective of a mature mature student.

Joyce, that is really interesting about the spinning. I know sheep's wool can have different textures and so forth--have been to and even had a hand in trying to shear a sheep! The wool when it comes off the sheep is not like you see in a finished product! Was it hard to learn to spin? Does it require lots of patience and manual dexterity, or is it something that comes pretty easily? ( I suppose that depends on the person). But interesting to hear nonethless. I am looking into weaving classes close by me to see if there is something that might be feasible to try.

In the end our body tells us what we try not to hear--in my case, being flattened with a migraine headache, a foot injury that is exacerbated by the stress in my whole body--and its time to listen to it...to figure out what I need to do.

I don't think in the end the answer will be academia..but right now I foreclose nothing...I am just exploring.

Thanks Shani! That is very interesting about the author/researcher you admired!!! Right now ( and understanding that this is not how I always felt, and might not feel in the future, its just the moment), looking into academia feels like trying to stuff myself into a dark, airless chamber for the rest of my life, like being buried alive. Doing something else feels like lighting in the sunlight, and being able to breathe and be happy.

Is having ability a gift or a curse--I don't know. We all have talents or we would not have made it to the PhD level, but who is to say that is the best use for them, in any individual case? Only the individual can decide.

let me try this again!
Me, smiling!??! Whatever for? Well, remember that thread was started some time ago about your fantasy life of not doing the PhD--and mine was to have some organic sheep and be a weaver on some small acreage in the countryside? Well, I have decided to take the first steps in checking that out, and besides identifying the breeder of the particular sheep breed of interest to me close to my home in the US, am making some queries about weaving courses in the UK that I could get to, and get some hands on experience and learning about the craft.

This appeals so much more than the PhD. I feel such a lightness in my being when I think of doing this--whether its just an escape fantasy or something real, only exploration will tell. There is only one way to know.

It beats feeling miserable staring into a pile of footnotes, slowly going blind staring into a computer screen!

One thing I can do is check out other housing options, but I am not sure what there might be available. Perhaps a room as a lodger in a regular house ,living with professionals ( adults) would be the best--as a mature student my comfort level and tolerance for the typical antics of student life ( beer, loud noise, music, messy living styles) is minimal.

And perhaps its not the PhD--its the trying to do a PhD in a foreign country, where I do not have access to the support networks of family and friends on the same basis I did at home--nor access to the other very important things of my life. Those have been left behind, stripped away, and its not that easy to rebuild and replace those, when working in the hideously isolated environment of a PhD. My living situation is no help in this, living with 2 people who do their very best to avoid any human interaction. Its a really awkward way to live, when you share common areas of living space. I would like a place to live that feels like a home, instead of a place where I spend the minimal amount of time I can because I dislike it so much.

Thanks all for the sympathy and words of wisdom--there is plenty of room for thought. I am not sure what my decision on this is going to be, or even, necessarily, how to make it, other than getting all of the information I can about the options, and then just letting it sit for awhile and see if anything becomes more clear. Maybe this is just a bad patch and will pass. In the meantime, I will carry on with my research plans, but try to take some time out to smell the daisies--as it were--! especially since they are now in bloom.

Hi Smilodon--no, I am not about to make any sudden decisions--that would be a mistake in and of itself--there is no reason to not just continue as is but try to sort out the long term...so I will not make any decisions before we have lunched =)))) just exploring options!

In my life I have had the benefits of being both very welll off and not very well off, and I can tell say that for me, I was not particularly more happy when I had show horses, a sauna, a swimming pool, 3 acres of back garden, a house large enough for a small village than living in Bleak Towers. Things do not make people happy--a chase for happiness through material things is an empty and endless chase.

What matters--all that matters in the end--are satisfying and sustained personal relationships, whether with friends, family, what ever. Those give quality of life, everything else is secondary.

Money does not buy happiness. The lack of it does not either--and yes its important to have the basics for survival, etc...but, I would not value money as a measure of my happiness. If I listen to what is deep inside me, I already know the answer. Happiness is home--home, to be cliche, is where the heart is, and that is not the UK.

I am only going to be able to make a choice if I know what all the options are--so I need to do something that is really difficult and talk to my supervisor about what those are--somewhere in between quitting and continuing is perhaps the possibility of an MRes or MPhil...not sure if I even care at this point to try to pursue an alterntive degree if I decide to not go ahead with the PhD...but I do need to find out what the options are.

Then...I have to make some choices.

That said, nothing really stands out as the way to go...but perhaps things will get more clear when I have some information on the options. Academia just does not hold much appeal at the moment, to be frank, the gild off the lily--is that the saying? Nothing WRONG with academia, its just really a depressing thought to look at that as my future...