I've seen it in other professions too and I think it's a bit of both. All the straight male managers have a wifey and kids though. I'm very lucky that my dept is unusually child-friendly - but that will count for little if I can't churn the papers out.

I think the social isolation is the biggest problem with this PhD. I ahve to make an effort to go into the dept and break the spell even if it means I lose a little time. Being miserable loses time too, after all.

I didn't wait 8 years and spend all that money so that I could have my daughter in childcare 12 hours/day. Some other women I know have had husbands with more flexible hours or other family close by - but I do not have those options. I'm trying to sqeak through using minimum childcare (3 days/week) and it is really tough.

Shani - I'm a mature student and my husband has a pretty good job. We paid for fertility treatment from savings we had made overseas, then borrowing on the equity of our house. In all, we spent around 30,000 pounds, so know, it's not something the average PhD student could probably manage.

Most of the women I meet professionally don't have children - some clearly by choice. It really is not a profession that is very compatible with parenting. My husband has a heavy-weight job involving frequent travel and I really don't want us both to have jobs with long hours while my daughter is young. I will try and negotiate my postdoc hours, but since I can't move I will be dam lucky to get a postdoc at all and not sure how negotiable it will be. It's a major worry for me.

I haven't been through it myself but I have seen many marraiges go through infeldelity and quite a few through Pam's situation. Some survive infeldility, some don't - it really depends on the particular circumstances (a drunken one nighter, a long term affair, multiple simultaneous affairs etc). I've never personally seen a marriage survive Pams situation - it may take a while - but those marriages all ended at some point.

I struggle with this issue too as I go a bit stir crazy working at home all the time. I have a desk in the dept - in a room of 12 postgrads. It's nice to see a few other faces but my time is so limited anyway that I'm not sure if I can really afford the travel time and chat. I go in 1-3 days/week. I don't often work in the library but I might do later. I have a good set-up at home it's just so isolated.

Well it's actually a pretty insecure career option. And as for what is available - the research & lectureship posts in your field which will be failry limited. Competition for academic posts in the arts and humanities is very fierce because funding is poor compared to technical or scientific subjects.

Well then I understand your question less - because a PhD is a requirement rather than an optional extra for an academic/research job.

If you want to go that route - you should look carefully into funding - because if you need it then your subject area is brutally competitive.

Same here Jouri - we're allowed a fourth term (but not funded) and that's it. Otherwise the major factor affecting the model is whether or not your project is part of a larger group project.

A PhD will only increase your earning potential in jobs that clearly state that this is a requirement to either start or advance, e.g. some kinds of research e.g. some (nto all) science subjects. If the job does not state the requirement, you are unlikely to benefit from having one. Many employers are wary of PhDs.

I find it hard to believe you have been turned down for teacher training - perhaps English is just oversubscribed. You should definitley find out exactly what has gone on there.

Shani - yes my daughter came via (my second) IVF - do you have any particular reason for asking?

I agree Olivia - infidelity comes in many flavours and there are worse things that can happen in a marriage.

Well if it weren't for divorce then my husband would still be married to soemone else! Actually he's been married twice before whereas I have always been very reticent to make that comittment. But sometimes you have to take a leap of faith - you can't always be holding back and watching the game of life from the sidelines.

While I definitley think compromise (and wanting the best for each other) is essential, if a marriage were as much trouble as this PhD I think I would bail. And certainly if your marrriage too much hard work before kids it will go down in flames when the first baby comes along.

I was a lot less ambivalent about having kids - but (to cut the story short) it took 8 years for us to have our daughter and we can't have any more. I really wanted children - and it really is an irrational force, like an alien in orbit who is beaming a subversive message to my brain. I am finding the conflict of interest now though, really brutal and there is absolutely no doubt that there are going to be a lot of professional compromises as a result. I get very stressed about that as I do feel a strong need to do this kind of work.

I also changed my name which surprised a lot of people but that was really for other, personal reasons - it was a good opportunity to do something I already wanted to do and I've never regretted it. Marriage does, inevitably, alter your identity - most especially to others - but I have quite enjoyed that. Sometimes I enjoy the tension between being a married mom some of the time and a PhD student the rest - but often the tension gets a bit too much.

I've been married for 10 years and we lived together for over a year before that. It's my first marriage but not my husband's. I think if one person really wants to get married it is ahrd for a relationship to continue once the other has said that's not what they want. Like most things - it's agreement that's important.

I didn't hink I was interested in being married and got very agitated leading up to the event - but really settled into it afterwards and I think it suits me. We are different nationalities and were living overseas so it made our lives a lot simpler to be married.