I was a lot less ambivalent about having kids - but (to cut the story short) it took 8 years for us to have our daughter and we can't have any more. I really wanted children - and it really is an irrational force, like an alien in orbit who is beaming a subversive message to my brain. I am finding the conflict of interest now though, really brutal and there is absolutely no doubt that there are going to be a lot of professional compromises as a result. I get very stressed about that as I do feel a strong need to do this kind of work.

I also changed my name which surprised a lot of people but that was really for other, personal reasons - it was a good opportunity to do something I already wanted to do and I've never regretted it. Marriage does, inevitably, alter your identity - most especially to others - but I have quite enjoyed that. Sometimes I enjoy the tension between being a married mom some of the time and a PhD student the rest - but often the tension gets a bit too much.

I love kids and would have been happy having one in my marriage--it just never seemed to be something that worked out--it was something to do next year, or sometime in the future and when it came down to figuring out to do it NOW, then it just never seemed to get the priority it needed. Plus a lot of disagreements over how to parent...I would have been happy being a mom, equally, I do not have regrets because if I really wanted a kid, there are lots of options, including adoption. As it is, I love being an auntie to a herd of nieces and nephews. People think because I do not have kids of my own I must not like them...which could not be further from the truth!

The point being though I think there is a lot of pressure on women to shape up to a certain role--perhaps the same is true of men?--and if you stray from it, you come under a lot of fire. But like Smilodon says, working/studying women with kids get pressure too. Its a difficult situation, and in the end, I think people should be given respect and support for their choices, no matter what. Parenting is a hard and expensive job, with a lot of rewards. People who parent are to be commended for the choice! On the other hand, this is a crowded world and if people do not want kids, they should not feel pressure to have them or to explain away why they are not having them.

I have so many friends and relatives that are having kids in their late 30's and early to mid 40's, and they are all happy with their choices! In fact, I think some of them were wise to wait--they would have been disasters of parents at 25. Yes, the risk of this that and the other rises, as the age of the mother goes up, but in most of the cases I know, the child and mother are fine, or if there are problems, they were not related to the age of the mother at all. I think maybe that is more common in the US than in the UK--I think the UK is more "age-ist" in many ways than the US.

Oh and last but not least--what are all the reports that show married women as the most depressed, married men as the least depressed among men, with single women the happiest of the lot?!?

I'm with Bellaz...I have never once dreamed of wearing a floaty white dress and getting married in a big church do; I couldn't keep a straight face imagining myself in that situation.

Occasionally I feel vaguley gulity because I know my father wants me to be married with kids. On the other hand, my mother always advised against it.

When it came to actually doing the ceremony, I never either shared the dream of the floaty white dress...I said I wanted to elope or do some kind of hippy ceremony in the back garden...UNTILLLL!!!!!!! I went to my older sister's wedding ( a huge do, the traditional thing, which SHE wanted, and she did in white--seven months pregnant with TWINS!!!) and I decided I wanted a big traditional do as well..!!! which I had!

the whole wedding ceremony seemed to be important for the family and friends of the bride and groom--and there is a certain sort of pomp and circumstance about the traditional wedding, say what you will...I was glad to do the huge wedding, but were I ever to remarry---not twice!!! NO!!!

I understand all those who neither wish to get married nor have children. Personall, i love kids and cannot imagine myself not getting married or having children. Call me old fashion but i think some part of me will be never be fulfilled if that does not happen.

When I got married we did the ceremony how we wanted not to please other people. I wore purple and we had a hog roast and a ceilidh band. The wedding was great and the first few years of marriage and the living together before that were great. But we are now in the process of splitting up. Various factors involved but we have definitely grown apart maybe because of the PhD or maybe not.

We are still living together and it looks like we can be good friends as most of our time together was good. I have recently met someone else - the first bloke I went out with when I was 18. He is divorced with three teenage kids (I don't have children). We have so much in common and I get on with his kids and we both know we will get married or handfasted one day. However he lives 150 miles away from me which is bad when we can't see each other but is great for my PhD as I can work hard and then reward myself with a weekend with him. He understands the pressure I am under. Hopefully this relationship will work.

I'm with cryogenics on this one... It might be very conformist/conventional but I can't wait to get married and have babies!!! And I want to take my fiancee's name too... just seems like a nice thing to do!

Definitely agree with rosy and cryogenics, its nice to know that there are still people with traditional views on marriage. Have been with my partner for 3 years, and cannot wait for us to get married and we have both agreed we will have children at some point. I will also take his name, I would feel weird if I didn’t have the same name as my future children and that we would not be a proper family. Although I will have to keep my maiden name for work as have already published. Weddings are definitely for families- I would much prefer to elope but know that my dad would be heartbroken if he didn’t get the chance to walk me down the aisle!

pamw, i hope it all works out for you in the end.

Nice to hear, Rosy

IMHO, i think the society we live in today; career pursuits and the maybe bad experiences of others have given many people a stringent view on relationships and marriage.

If you think a PhD is hard work--try marriage! I do not say that to discourage anyone FROM marrying, but really, the key to good marriages I think is never ending attention to the marriage and to the partnership. It takes constant effort to keep marriage going--not that the effort or work is a bad thing--but the idea of blissing out forever is not real.

As I said, I think marriage has not kept pace with modern society, hence the many conflicts you see people struggling with. It ought not be this way, but I don't know what you do to change this...

Many of my happiest years were whilst married, and I would do the marriage again, even knowing it would not last. I am not bitter and I do not have regrets, in the end my ex and I were just not compatible people on some very basic levels, and there was no working it out. My ex and I have an amiable relationship from a distance, but when people see us interact they always say, why don't you get back together, you get along so well!