I am only going to be able to make a choice if I know what all the options are--so I need to do something that is really difficult and talk to my supervisor about what those are--somewhere in between quitting and continuing is perhaps the possibility of an MRes or MPhil...not sure if I even care at this point to try to pursue an alterntive degree if I decide to not go ahead with the PhD...but I do need to find out what the options are.

Then...I have to make some choices.

That said, nothing really stands out as the way to go...but perhaps things will get more clear when I have some information on the options. Academia just does not hold much appeal at the moment, to be frank, the gild off the lily--is that the saying? Nothing WRONG with academia, its just really a depressing thought to look at that as my future...

As for the pyramid scam - I think there is something in that. We each have to appraise our academic potential as frankly as possible. It's a tough call - caught between optimism and pessimism for the future.

In my life I have had the benefits of being both very welll off and not very well off, and I can tell say that for me, I was not particularly more happy when I had show horses, a sauna, a swimming pool, 3 acres of back garden, a house large enough for a small village than living in Bleak Towers. Things do not make people happy--a chase for happiness through material things is an empty and endless chase.

What matters--all that matters in the end--are satisfying and sustained personal relationships, whether with friends, family, what ever. Those give quality of life, everything else is secondary.

Money does not buy happiness. The lack of it does not either--and yes its important to have the basics for survival, etc...but, I would not value money as a measure of my happiness. If I listen to what is deep inside me, I already know the answer. Happiness is home--home, to be cliche, is where the heart is, and that is not the UK.

Olivia - there may well be other doors that will be opened and you may need other advice (i.e. from outside academia). If you are affiliated with London University - I recommend their careers advice. They helped me out at a difficult time.

Otherwise - don't do anything drastic until we have Lunched!

I have also lived a boom to bust and back sort of life. It is nice to be comfortable financially but it's not enoug in itself (although I'm sure none of us want to live on a postgrad grant indefinitely).

Olivia - can you visit home a bit more often? Do you really have to be here all the time?

Hi Smilodon--no, I am not about to make any sudden decisions--that would be a mistake in and of itself--there is no reason to not just continue as is but try to sort out the long term...so I will not make any decisions before we have lunched =)))) just exploring options!

Oliva, I believe you are doing a non-science lab based degree, so is it not possible to work from home, back in the US for say half or a third of the year?

Olivia, what can I say? It is very hard to be away from family and friends, but it is also very hard to stop being who you are, and my guess is that you like the academic life, but you just don't like it at the moment . although some people have been supportive of me starting this research, some people have said 'what do you want to do that for?' (probably implying at my great age I should spend my time in more ladylike pursuits, or that it won't be reflected in my payscale). Well my answer is a)because I want to, and b)because I think it is important. If you think what you are doing is important, and of course you do, or you wouldn't be putting yourself through it, you should not only give yourself permission to quit, but also permission to carry on.

Without people doing research where would the world be? - and I'm not just thinking of science here. My supervisor has been at the forefront of stuff that is not, shall we say popular, with some others, but it is important in that it offers an alternative, and resists changes that affect, or have the potential to affect many aspects of life, and I hope my tiny contribution will add to that message. Passion is what all of us on this site and beyond have, not all the time, but enough to keep us going. hold on in there.

don't take too much to your mind. they will take on such an impossible appearance that may as well drive you crazy. i know very well what it feels like to lack motivation and desires at all. it's not the end of the world when you realize you lose your direction and feel painful in the hot water. all the evil feelings will unravel after all. take it slowly and easy. i am sorry i could not offer you a real solid advice or solution. nevertheless i bet you could come to rescue by yourself as long as you find the way to save your mind from the fetters imposed either by external or internal physical and mental forces.

Thanks all for the sympathy and words of wisdom--there is plenty of room for thought. I am not sure what my decision on this is going to be, or even, necessarily, how to make it, other than getting all of the information I can about the options, and then just letting it sit for awhile and see if anything becomes more clear. Maybe this is just a bad patch and will pass. In the meantime, I will carry on with my research plans, but try to take some time out to smell the daisies--as it were--! especially since they are now in bloom.

And perhaps its not the PhD--its the trying to do a PhD in a foreign country, where I do not have access to the support networks of family and friends on the same basis I did at home--nor access to the other very important things of my life. Those have been left behind, stripped away, and its not that easy to rebuild and replace those, when working in the hideously isolated environment of a PhD. My living situation is no help in this, living with 2 people who do their very best to avoid any human interaction. Its a really awkward way to live, when you share common areas of living space. I would like a place to live that feels like a home, instead of a place where I spend the minimal amount of time I can because I dislike it so much.

One thing I can do is check out other housing options, but I am not sure what there might be available. Perhaps a room as a lodger in a regular house ,living with professionals ( adults) would be the best--as a mature student my comfort level and tolerance for the typical antics of student life ( beer, loud noise, music, messy living styles) is minimal.

let me try this again!
Me, smiling!??! Whatever for? Well, remember that thread was started some time ago about your fantasy life of not doing the PhD--and mine was to have some organic sheep and be a weaver on some small acreage in the countryside? Well, I have decided to take the first steps in checking that out, and besides identifying the breeder of the particular sheep breed of interest to me close to my home in the US, am making some queries about weaving courses in the UK that I could get to, and get some hands on experience and learning about the craft.

This appeals so much more than the PhD. I feel such a lightness in my being when I think of doing this--whether its just an escape fantasy or something real, only exploration will tell. There is only one way to know.

It beats feeling miserable staring into a pile of footnotes, slowly going blind staring into a computer screen!