Oh and one last thing. Three months is a hell of a long time without treats for short-term goals. Try to stop it looking like a monolithic block of time and do some fun things, even if they are just twenty minutes at the end of the day.
In term time I find I can only read childrens' books!!! (which I'm sure will provide many opportunities for ridicule...) But thirty pages of Horowitz's Alex Rider books has helped me get through the last year no ends!

Lara is stressed and dealing with it I think in the best way she can. I agree that simply telling someone to get over the stress is not a helpful measure--there are many ways for people to address the stress constructively. The old chin up get on with it approach does not in the end help when someone is struggling. As pointed out it is so beneficial to have someone to talk to, an ear to listen to you, a shoulder to lean on or cry on, a friend to care about you.

The PhD experience is or can be so hideously isolating that it is possible to go an entire day without having a conversation with anyone, including someone at the shops! That is NOT a healthy set up and I think that the PhD system compounds stresses by its very unhealthy set up.

If the idea is to promote robust learning and scholarship, then the UK system needs to take a serious reflective look at itself.

Sorry you're having a tough time Lara. I'd echo pamplemousse's recommendation to see a counsellor though, and indeed I've suggested this to you in the past. As I said then you're going to face tougher times over the next 3 months (even seeing your supervisor in the next few weeks is going to be mighty scary!). Having someone proper to talk to about how you're feeling could really help you get through this and find a positive way out of things. Arrange the counselling sooner rather than later, then you have it in place as you need it.

That's a good idea. I've emailed the graduate tutor, asking if i can see the universities counceller. my mom suggested the same thing.

thanks thats a good idea. i guess its better i waste a day, then putting it off any longer.

Why can't you arrange the counselling yourself? It's what happens at my university. Assuming you're at QMUL their Counselling page has contact details. See http://www.welfare.qmul.ac.uk/contact/index.html

i guess i was avoiding asking to see the counselor at the university, because i didnt want the graduate tutor to think i was emotionally unstable and unable to submit my thesis, and have my registration terminated and fail my phd.

but i think its time to admit, that i need help and i need to speak to the counselor.

i just emailed the graduate officer and the graduate tutor, asking them how to arrange a counselling session.

oh really? i didn't know that i could do that.

okay thanks. i will arrange it myself. thank you.

thanks bilbo, yah i'm at qmul. and i have to say, they have been so great and supportive. and understanding. waiting patiently for so many years for me to submit my thesis.

Hey Lara, don't get down about needing help - we all do at some time, and its a scary thing to admit it to yourself. I think we all hope you find a way out of this, you clearly are talented and able or you wouldn't have been published.

thanks bilbo for finding that website. i really appreciate it.

thanks sleepyhead. i am composing an email to the counseller, and arranging an appointment.

thanks for the kind words regarding my ability. i appreciate it.

yah it's time to admit, that i need to seek professional help.

they only give 30min appointments. i've never been to a counselling session before. but i think it will be good for me. i just hope i dont end up crying, that will be so embarrassing. i wish i wasn't so sensitive.

I have sobbed my eyes out at a counselling sesh before!!
Nothing to be ashamed of, and is probably the best place to do it (beats doing it in front of your sup, right?).
I'm glad you've taken this positive action!
xxx

thanks pamplemousse, that makes me feel better, i am not the only one that gets emotional and cries.

i sent off the email to the counsellor. now i just have to wait for the appointment to be arranged. it will be next week, so yah would be good to have the appointment before i meet my supervisor.

thanks for your support.

i am gonna take a break now, and try to clear my head, and then get to work on making that phd map.

i'm not in the mood to defend myself again, telling him exactly what i did last year, what i did this year. do i have to do that? i have kept a writing diary. but do i really need to tell him
on such and such day, i did this and this on the thesis.

i just find that such a headache. i would rather spend time, on the phd map. and doing something about right now. not defending about what i did or did not do, or could have done better. its in the past. whats in the past is in the past. whats the point of going through it.

so i will just reply, and give him my detailed thesis plan. and my time line plan, and my own deadlines.
and give him a breakdown, of what i have done and what i need to do.

is that good enough?

or do i really need to say

"when you wrote, what do i have to show for my producitivity, during the time i was given off during my RA job. well, i worked on the first paper.
and then when you had that deadline for my collegues project, i volunteered to help out, so i worked weekends so that you could have all the data for THAT project.

and then last year, i spent working on the second paper.

and yes its my own fault, for not working on my thesis"

do i really need to say that? i would rather not bother. i just can't be bothered. if they have forgotten about all the work i did for them. than i just don't care. it doesn't even matter. all that matters is now, and working on my thesis.

and this situation has made my decision so much easier, that i will never work for them again. and that i am leaving the science academic world.

i know some people would be like, what's her problem her supervisor has a right to say xyz. but i cannot tell you the ins and outs of lab politics, and what i have been through these past 8 years.. i'm not sharing this, so that i get sympathy. but just because i need to just let it out.

i take responsibility for not writing my thesis, and that is my fault. but now i will do something about it. and try my best. and see what happens. i just want to be given the opportunity to submit thats all. if the examiners deem me as unfit to pass, then thats fine and i will accept that.