Oh Jenny, it's awful to hear that you are feeling this way but from a selfish point of view it's good to hear that I am not the only one feeling this way. When reading your post I felt like I was hearing myself so I completely empathise with your situation. I'm not sure whether this will come as a reassurance or not but I have felt like this off and on throughout my PhD. The first year for me was horrendous but for no particular reason. I found myself feeling just as you described on a daily basis and in turn piled on weight as I'm afraid my weakness is comfort eating as opposed to smoking. That being said, the second year marked an important turning point for me as fieldwork went well and I thrived on having to be somewhere for a particular time, to meet with people or to attend events. Now, having began my third year in Sept 2010 the feelings of the first year have come flooding back and I too feel filled with anxiety and depression each day. Unfortunately I have dealt with these feelings of saddness by avoiding doing my work until the very last minute and feeling guilty about it in the process which as I'm sure you'll agree really isn't a clever way of dealing with things. That being said, I'm yet to figure out a better way of dealing with things as despite my logical head telling me to just do the damn work it seems nigh on impossible to sit down and do it (without tears anyway). I'm telling you this not to put you off but so that you can see that even feeling as rough as I have about it (from pretty much day 1) I've still managed to get to the writing up stage without any major problems and indeed without my supervisors having a clue about my feelings so hopefully if you are able to discuss your current situation with your sup's and/or get some help medically I'm sure that you will be able to reach the end successfully. Like you, I loved my undergrad and even MA (perhaps to a lesser extent) so can't understand why this has crept up on me now particularly when like you we have been so lucky to receive AHRC funding. I can't figure out what makes me feel this way so I commend you for being able to pinpoint the combination of triggers that have led to your feelings - you are one step ahead of me in that respect! I really do wish you the best of luck in conquering this - it would be great to hear how you get on. Best wishes, Grit84

Thanks guys, I really do appreciate this. Algaequeen - congratulations on coming so far and submitting! That's fantastic news and you should be proud of yourself. You give some very wise advice - I've never tried white water rafting, but a bit of exercise never hurts, does it? Especially in sub-zero temperatures! I hope you can see how much you've achieved and look forward to moving on now. Thank you for your kindness and support.

Grit84, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this, but as you suggest it's heartening to know you can come so far, even with these problems in the background. Just this last hurdle now, remember that. A big hurdle it may be, but you'll do it. I just need to keep reminding myself that this isn't something I cannot do, I should be able to, and that this money is giving me a chance of a better life than I've had before. It's hard, though. As you'll know, these feelings just creep up, unannounced, and it feels so unfair. I hope you're doing OK. Keep in touch if you want to let off steam.

Hey Jenny
I'm really sorry to hear your feeling that way. I'm only three months in to my PhD, a little anxious as to how it will all turn out. I find just trying to find some way of escaping it helps, like finding a hobby. Nothing serious though, you don't want to get sucked into something and then find you don't have any time for the PhD. Personally, I quite enjoy blogging about some of the funnier sides to doing a PhD on www.indoctorate.co.uk . After doing it I tend to usually feel quite refreshed about my PhD in general. Hope it all works out for you :-)

Jenny, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way but you should know that you're not alone. I can completely empathise with you. My first year was the worst of my life and was filled with depression and isolation, especially since I didn't have to be on campus every day and didn't know anyone in the town. I once went six days without leaving my flat or speaking to another human. It was after that that I realised I had a problem and sought medical attention. The nurse I saw at my uni's health clinic suggested I focus on the depression, not worrying about the smoking. The withdrawals will just make the depression worse. I had to make a concerted effort to get out and find things to do which I did by finding online listings for local events and groups. I was also fortunate to change jobs which helped my particular situation and greatly reduced my stress. Since I was still struggling with the smoking and mild depression, I finally saw a GP who put me on a mild antidepressant which has not only improved my mood but helped with the cravings to the point that I'm nearly weaned down. I know I have to give up smoking altogether but I'm not putting too much pressure or guilt on myself; doing a PhD offers enough of that already.

Try to take one day at a time and not worry so much. You can only do what you can do. And don't forget you're not alone. :-)

Hi JustNic,

Thank you for your words...it sounds like you really can empathise with my situation, especially with the smoking. I'm sorry you had such a hard time, but am so, so glad to hear things have improved for you. I know it takes work, and not just sitting around, waiting for things to get better, so well done. I went to the doctor on Thurs, and, after me having been against medication forever, she finally said "how depressed to you have to be before you think about treating it?" So, I've started on anti-depressants. First day was hard with the side-effects, but it feels better now. They won't kick in until about 10-14 days, so we'll see. But I was surprised at how sympathetic and supportive my fiancee and family were when I told them about the meds. All I want from this is to level myself out to the point where I can gain some perspective, and don't feel this unrealistic, unwarranted dread every morning before I go in. I've also applied to the uni counselling service - that may take longer, but it's a step. I realise that leaving the PhD would most likely mean unemployment, or a lot less money from the stipend, so I just want to be strong enough to get through it. Maybe even start enjoying my work again, who knows?

Sorry for the ramble, and again - well done. It sounds like you have taken such postive steps.

Glad you're getting sorted, Jenny. I was resistant to the meds, too, but have been fortunate to not have any side effects. It's worth it if it helps you to cope and carry on with your degree. Finishing your PhD will pay off in the long run in terms of employment and life satisfaction so you shouldn't feel bad about whatever it takes to get it done.
Be well,
Nic