I also (as well as being fatter) currently have a beard. That's a phd change.....although its going tomorrow - just saw a photo of me with it.

Fat and bearded. Hmmm, I'm not sure I like what the PhD is doing to me!

Thanks Sue2604, Eska, Teek and everyone who had a look at my brain. I'm going to see my GP about all of this because I shouldn't be emotional while analysing data. It's really weird because my PhD is moving forward (I've had a paper accepted, my supervisory team are the best bunch you could ask for and my conference presentation went really, really well) and I'm making some progress everyday but I just feel really sad and trapped. My mood is horrible even though, if I'm honest, I don't really have a reason. I'm more disappointed in myself really, just really let down, so definitely an appointment with the doctor. I haven't been for years anyway, so I'm not wasting NHS resources as I'll make my GP take my blood pressure at the same time. I think 'God, just pull yourself together', you're a man and everything like that. God, bearing my sole there.

Anyway, there are definitely positives. Despite my lamenting, there are definitely positives. I can now present to a room of 200 or so top professionals without feeling scared. I can write, get published, sound like I know what I'm talking about (if not, just scratch my chin and nod sagely) and my old lecturers have a lot of faith in me. Intellectually, I've come on in leaps and bounds and can learn new things really quick. Haha, I'm very good at damage limitation too. As I realised during my conference presentation, by saying things like 'good point', 'that requires further research' and my favourite 'there are no clearly established guidelines, so I felt this approach was most appropriate (justification for my PhD statement), I can leave a debate relatively unscathed. If my PhD goes nowhere, I'll become a politician I think.

It's very nice to be a member of a little internet forum full of a lovely bunch of other students who listen to one another and try and help one another out. It's not Oscar speech time, but I owe a lot of my PhD progress to this little forum and all the unique little characters that inhabit it. Thank you, you lot x

Walminskipeas...

I can empathise and I do think the PhD can trigger a mid-life crisis in your twenties. You've never done anything like it and don't really know how you're going to respond to the bumps in the road. The stress and pressure can be so intense, even if you're getting positive feedback from your supervisors and others. But if you accept that you're going to be moody and can get the people around you to accept that too, it is bearable and worth it.

I was writing about a really depressing book and having trouble getting it to work in the larger context of my PhD, it nearly caused me to have a breakdown, partly because of the subject, but more because I couldn't get my head around how to deal with it. The feedback I was getting was 'good, keep going' which is fine but hardly constructive. I did a course on stress prevention and time management offered to PhD students at my university. We were asked to write a paragraph about our most stressful PhD moment. Some very young girl shared with us that her most stressful moment since starting was missing a bus to get to a conference in a city she didn't know well and thus she arrived late and had no chance to pre-network. Aww, I wanted to kill her. My paragraph was turning into a novel about the combined stress from my personal life plus work pressure. The course was useless to me because it was already too late, I was already completely frazzled (and it was stupid--being forced to buy coloured pencils to fill in a chart about how you're going to use your time just didn't help me). This bad time passed though, things got better, then got bad again, then got better. It's a wild ride, and great heights and deep lows are part of it unfortunately. Doing this has made me feel really unstable at times, it can be so irritating to see your motivation and emotions etc be totally destroyed by working too hard or too little, but the point is: you do it to yourself, blah blah, own worst enemy etc.

The others are right, you need to get a few people around you who will listen to you gripe/be supportive/tell you if you're over-reacting etc., it helps to talk to both other academics and non-academics, be they cleaners or artists or whatever. The balance is key. Academics understand some things that others just can't, like how you can be irrational about things you ought to know better than to get crazy about. Non-academics are much wiser about other things. Just bear with yourself. The pay off is worth it, but you shouldn't suffer alone more than you can avoid.

Good Luck!

Hi Wal, that's great, that you are going to the GP, hopefully this wil be the first step upwards. I've find counselling helps, if you get a good one, it allows you to deal with things n a long term way.

======= Date Modified 29 Apr 2010 12:36:38 =======
You said in your post that "I don't make people laugh and I'm not very cheery"

Although PGF clearly doesn't reflect real life, I think it's safe to say that you have made lots of people laugh on here, and cheered many people up when they're down!

Chin up x

Hi Wally,

I think I can empathise. I'm only 9 months into my PhD (straight after my undergrad) and both myself and my partner have noticed major changes in me. The other day he said to me "you never want to do anything anymore". And he's right. I find it difficult to leave the house, to the extent that I very rarely make it into uni where I really need to be at the moment to try get some experiments up and running. So far, my sups don't seem to have noticed but I doubt that'll last much longer - I'm just waiting for the e-mail asking where I am. I try to work when I am at home and usually end up reading some papers or writing a little most days but I feel like I must be drastically behind.

In other news, I've put on a stone, take anti-histamines/alcohol at night to try to induce sleep, avoid friends & family and generally seem be turning into a fat hermit. Oh and I think my eating disorder is coming back.

Hi Wally,

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. I think going to see the GP sounds like a great idea.

I went through a stage in my second year that could be best described as a mid life crisis although I was only 24 at the time. I ended up going for some counselling which was the best thing I could have possibly done.

Doing the PhD has aged me inside so much (maybe outside too - haha). When I talk to masters students who are just starting I feel totally ancient event though i'm only a couple of years ahead of them. I also have very little interest in hanging around in clubs and the like these days. I prefer going out for a nice meal and some good conversation. I think doing the PhD has made me question more about the world instead of just accepting which I think is certainly a good thing.

Best wishes

Hey Walminski

Glad to hear you're going to a GP - good luck. Doing something positive to take charge of your life should help, you might start to feel more in control again. I think doing a PhD does bring on crises for people which none of us know about when we start. It forces us to re-evaluate who we are, what we want in life, and exposes all our weaknesses, flaws and fears. Doing this I think, has  fundamentally challenged my belief in myself, and who I thought I was. These are big issues, and so it's not surprising you're depressed and having a bit of a melt-down. Be kind to yourself, see the dr, see a counsellor maybe, exercise, talk to people, and work a bit less. Don't feel guilty about taking some time out. Take care!

This is me! It is so evil of me to take a small amount of pleasure in knowing someone out there feels my pain. It is such a drag sometimes, though! I mean, come on, current climate and all (in the UK at least) leads me to wonder what the point is?!

I have been at uni for 8 years. I'm in the 3rd year of a PhD that on bad days I feel like no one but me finds interesting. Friends are getting married, having relationships, settling down, doing new things, BEING ABLE TO AFFORD NEW SOCKS! I do the same set of repetitive tasks every day. I teach the same dull-witted students every week. I see the same people. I am in the same city. AH! Brain explode now...

And at the end, what do you get? Debt? Signing-on for unemployment benefit? You feel at the same time massively older and more stressed out than some of your friends, yet also immature and lacking life experience somehow.

It's just madness.

Hmmm....not doing well with the positive ways bit of your question here, hey?!

======= Date Modified 04 May 2010 20:43:28 =======
It has built up my intellect. I rejected all ideas of doing PhD for the sake of a better future, job and money of course. I did come from a privileged family and enjoyed best of everything in all my childhood. This reminded me a great man who once said ' The heights achieved by great men are never done in a sudden flight but whilst their companion slept were toiling upwards towards the skies' I now can differentiate a diamond in a junk and a junk among jewels. Thanks for all those who never scolded me even when I was wrong. The journey to truth is really difficult but once achieved is fascinating.

Wow - Deep Goodboy!

I haven't cleaned my house for about 6 months - does that count?

======= Date Modified 04 May 2010 20:54:01 =======
I now have a really good excuse for not cleaning my house for six months, that has to count.


Don't worry, we have new socks to spare...

Grrrrr I feel the same!!! I just didnt know how to put it out there!! N now theres another one just like me!
Sometimes I think people just dont get !

[quote]Quote From hackademic:

I have been at uni for 8 years. I'm in the 3rd year of a PhD that on bad days I feel like no one but me finds interesting. Friends are getting married, having relationships, settling down, doing new things, BEING ABLE TO AFFORD NEW SOCKS! I do the same set of repetitive tasks every day. I teach the same dull-witted students every week. I see the same people. I am in the same city. AH! Brain explode now...

And at the end, what do you get? Debt? Signing-on for unemployment benefit? You feel at the same time massively older and more stressed out than some of your friends, yet also immature and lacking life experience somehow.

It's just madness.

MissinHome! Life in UK is just like that, after a few years people get used to it. It is your choice, either walk out or become one of em!

Hi Walminskipeas,
Hope you are feeling better and more positive.
Doing a doctorate is a huge undertaking: when else are you singlemindedly working towards one goal for a solid three years or more? To my mind its a real stretch and with being stretched comes feeling the highs and the lows more deeply- does that make sense? The whole PhD thing also potentially makes you learn a lot about yourself, which is not always easy. At times it really made a dent in my confidence even in things I thought I was good at (because you start comparing yourself with really exceptional people I guess).
By the end I felt a huge sense of achievement though... Noone can make me feel like a dumb blonde now- it's Dr Dumb Blonde to you, mate.

All th every best!!!
Tennie