Seems like I'm not the only one facing a conflict between PhD and relationships. Spoke to a guy friend today, and he told me that if he's my bf, he'd be pissed too coz guys want attention and they expect the girl to give them all the attention they want. He said if he had a choice, he'd have a wife who stays at home instead of working. Is he too MCP or am I too modern for a girl? My gosh.

I'm already in my 4th year of PhD and just left with my dissertation, so UFO, I'm not too keen to drop the PhD.

First off I am sorry that you are going through this. I have a lot of empathy for you as I have had untold opposition about my PhD from my b.f and his family.

Its out of the question to even consider giving up the thesis and especially at this stage. It sounds to me as if he is going down the emotional blackmail route and thats just not on.
A PhD is not forever and whereas it is v.hard for a non PhD partner to understand the pressure, strains, isolation, etc they don't have to understand it to be supportive. Put your foot down and keep your fingers crossed he'll grow up. Its scarey but from what you've said it sounds as if you're in a loosing battle with him so be prepared for a break-up. Again I'm very sorry about it.

Think of it this way, if he got made redundant, or found out he was ill, or had some awful news that made him depressed, where as you couldn't ever completely understand because it was happening to him, because you love him you'd do your best to be there for him. He needs to get his head round the fact you need him and need him to be flexible and understanding. If he won't - cut him loose!

Thanks Pea. Yeah, I tried smsing him to talk to him about it but he just isn't responding at all. He'll definitely freak and get all upset if I show up at his office or house as he probably won't want anyone knowing that he is having problems with me. I find it so hard to leave him, that's why we keep hanging around each other even when we broke previously. I seriously don't know how or what I can do now since I seem to be talking to the wall. Silence is the worst killer...

Actually I can see that there are two issues here.

1) Conflicts within the discrete time period it takes to do your PhD. Your bf may be unhappy that it takes so much of your time, effort, etc. However, it is reasonable to ask him to give you a little bit of space for that limited period of time. This is a fairly acceptable request, and lots of couples have to have an undesirable "separation" (either for work, family commitments or things beyond their control like military service). Put it in perspective, its not forever, and talk about how after this is done you can both do "something for him".

2) The issue about you being an academic. Like it or not, some people do not like to have a)partners that are career minded, rather than say family oriented, and/or b) partners that work in jobs that are uncertain/ require them to move around a lot, etc.

What this is indicative of incompatible values. On one hand he has the right to be with someone that fits in with his values (maybe partner being around at home, not working), just as much as you have with your values (being academically oriented, independent etc). If this is the case id does not bode well for your long term relationship, and may explain why you have been having such difficulties already.

I think you both need to have a long talk about how you both see the future, and see if your account and his account fits. then see how realistic each is. You may say "Well I will have a family, be a full time professor, and have time to have intersts outside" and that could theoretically please everyone, but may not be easily achievable.

It is still tough though.

i think badhaircut is right here. it sounds like ur b/f (and also ur mate) think it is perfectly reasonable for you to give up ur phd for a ur partner, disregarding all the work u put into getting a phd in the first place never mind the 4 years you have already done. perhaps ur b/f is feeling threatened by ur success so far and would prefer if you were to rely on him for security, financial and otherwise. ask yourself if he would give up his career for you. and also, y is it ok for him to see u unannounced but u need permission to see him? not a very equal relationship hun, im sure u know u can do better than that!

Tough one, our phds were a factor in the recent break-up of my 7-yr relationship. I'm only past transfer stage nearing end of 1st year, my girlfriend was writing up and we split 3 months ago. The stress of it, long distance relationship meant something had to give. Absolutely gutted but it was very hard for her to juggle both. I hope you can sort something better out.

God, this is my life in a nutshell!! I am unable to meet anyone here in the UK for anything meaningful, and I believe it's largely due to how I perceive myself as a PhD student. I've never had problems meeting women when I lived in various countries around the world, at least for casual dating or whatever, but since starting my PhD I have lost the ability to meet women. I have been pondering this for some time now, and I believe it's because I view myself as being too busy for relationships, inadequate financially to support a meaningful girlfriend (please don't flame me with equal pay stuff or being sexist, I am just being realistic...relationships/dating cost a lot more than if you remain single, simply due to the fact that you are expected to 'go out' rather than live like a hermit in your room). Basically I don't see myself having any kind of serious girlfriend throughout the duration of my doctorate for these reasons

lol sorry for my absolutely appalling punctuation/grammar there, I have been awake for 39 hours due to stress!!

I think what everyone is saying makes a lot of sense. Relationships and PhDs just don't cut it that well together because as Badhaircut says, the partner probably just wants to have as much time to himself/herself as before the PhD, the partner has an insecurity (esp if the partner is a male, and the PhD student is a female), and there is also the element of self - you either think that you are too busy and too poor to have relationships as Yeismeload puts it or you probably try to have the best of both worlds and everything just comes crumbling down.

Since most of us here are facing such an issue, isn't there a strategy that we can come up with so that we can have the best of both worlds? It's pretty hard to choose between either one... Should a PhD really take up so much time? Or are we just simply inefficient? Why are those eminent profs so able to cope? I mean, I read about them and they do have hobbies like mountain climbing, etc. So it can't be that they work 24/7.

Anyway, I'm glad to say that my bf has stopped waging cold war, and thanks everyone for helping me get through this.

Many of those "eminent profs" you mention had very different lives from us.

They obtained their PhDs in a period where only 5% of people went to university, and in an era where you were fully funded and given academic freedom to study whatever the hell you wanted. Because of this they had job security, enough latitude to allow them to perform long term research (which made them eminent), and didnt have to put up with most of the stuff we do.

The traditional academic life, with long summers, sabaticals and inability to get fired, IS a life that is particularly good for families and relationships.

Modern academic life, however, isnt.