Thanks for you post. There is lots outside of the PhD I love my partner for and I hope when he does leave his PhD he still sees that.

Hmmm
Well, the pressure of having to get through a Ph.D. is hard enough without depression.... The best advise i could give is to think about how to help the depression and if some effective help can be found, the Ph.D. will look after itself.

Many of us invest our life and soul into our research, it becomes our world. But the ones we love and being happy is far more important. Invest as much time in the pursuit of happiness and you will be far more successful in everything you wish to achieve :)

how is this going chrisrolinski? My hubs is having a hard time of it - he seems to think his thesis isn't good enough for a PhD. Its only 100 pages long, but I'm not in his field, so don't know. He also is convinced he doesn't have enough time to do anything else on it. I want him to get the Dr title more than anything, and am at a loss to how I can help!

My boyfriend has decided to leave his PhD in the near future. I think that this is absolutely the right choice for him and he needed to take his time to reach it. I don't care about my own title (assuming I even pass the viva) and certainly have no care as to whether he is a Mr or a Dr.

I will be finishing my own in the next 4 weeks (pending viva) and so I will be glad to put the shared doctoral thesis hell behind me...

Sneaks - I hope your husband is able to sort out his thesis if it is so close to submission. It is a very different thing to leave 1/2 way through or right near the end.

glad its all working out!

My hubby had a little hissy fit - and continues to have them, but has realised that it is very nearly finished and the sooner it can get proof read - yes it is that nearly finished - then he can get his viva and close the book on the whole PhD.

Hi Chris,

I can speak from the perspective of someone who did drop out of a PhD. I did so three years. I think the whole experience can be very soul destroying for anyone and I would say it probably will make it worse for your boyfriend that you will likely succeed in your PhD and he won't.

Seeing friends of mine finish their PhDs when I didn't even make it past first year can be difficult and so I can only imagine what it must feel like when its his partner passing him bye.

There is no reason why you shouldn't be openly proud of what you will achieve and I am sure he will be very proud of you too, but at least on some level I am sure he will always be at least a little bit jealous of you and I can understand why.

Having gone through a PhD yourself, you are in a great position to understand how he might be feeling at this point so the best thing you can do is be supportive and understanding but not judgmental. I think the worst thing people can do is judge those who do drop out because no two PhD projects are the same ( its a cliche I know )

The best thing that he can do is to get back up on the horse again as soon as possible: take a holiday, get a stress free job for a few months which will give him time to think about his next career move and you might find once he does find his way again the PhD issue might not have such a bad impact on your relationship.

I can say from experience that leaving a PhD can be a very hurtful experience but its not the end of the world and I can say I have done very well after leaving my PhD. I may even decide to have another go in a few years time

Thank you for your thoughtful reply rb. I will be as supportive as I can, and I have always told him that there is no shame in leaving and that it is no reflection on his intellect. I hope in time he will find other things to put his passion into. I can imagine it will be very difficult to see me finish (I hope!) as he leaves and will try and be as sensitive as I can be. I'm not the sort to want endless parties and change the bank details etc etc - so I am happy to just let it slip by...

:)

I have a friend who failed his PhD a few months ago, wawww it was horrible to see...I wanted to give up but kept on trying and trying...he made it to submission but the viva went wrong and he got an MPhil.
The period it happened was horrible, I didn't know how to help him so I simply listened to him think aloud about his experience...he then said now what....

Now nearly a year has passed since and he changed his negative feeling into positive ones, he had learn tonnes of things from the PhD experience and knew he was not stupid... So he went for his dream and he opened his own company. He is so happy, it is working slowly but well, he is so different...And last month when I had him on the phone and said that in fact it is a good thing he didn't get his PhD because he might hve ended up in a job that was not really for him.

All of this to tell you that this is not the end of the world and life continues...he has to think of what he wants to become.

Good luck.

As for you he is lucky to have you so be proud of what you are acheiving and good luck with your submission.

Thanks for your post - yes, I hope in time it is seen as a very positive thing.

A horrible situation for both of you, but you seem so sensitive and caring that I'm sure it will all work out in the end (cliche - horrible I know - but true) Its just not for some people, I've seen people drop out at all stages and its heartbreaking, but I genuinely think that if he's suffering so much (and depression is just terrible), then losing the stress of the PhD and dropping further behind with the pressure mounting up so fast, can only be a relief for him.
As for you, I'm sure that he won't want for your success to be allowed to 'slip by' - you've worked so very hard, gone through so much, I'm not saying flaunt Dr in front of him when it comes (which it will), but even though he'll be grieving for the loss of his PhD I'm sure he'll want you to celebrate the fact that you've got to the end and succeeded in this :-)
You sound like a very loving couple and together you'll get through this just fine and in a year or so it will be water under the bridge and all ok again.