Olivia...'Proximity pal'...I've never heard that before! What a great way to describe work pals.

I think I heard the time proximity pal for the first time from my sister, to describe those relationships with co-workers that do not transcend work place changes--but are real enough relationships in their own time and space. So I guess for me a litmus test is to see if a proximity pal will become a real friend ( for me, that is someone I trust, someone I have something in common with besides work, etc..someone I would want to spend some time with away from work--or in this case, PhD studies).

I think that its necessary to have both proximity pals and real friends in a work or study place. You have to find ways to get along with other people in your space. We all have our own ways of doing this. Mine has always been to be friendly, have a smile and hello, how are you ( more on that in a moment) and always be fine or great to those who ask, and thank them for asking ( This being very American, perhaps in Britain you would moan about the weather instead!) and then move on. With those in positions of authority, I think it is useful to keep in mind what their role is versus yours, and structure the relationship accordingly.

I tend to keep work and friendships very separate. That said you CAN develop friendships at work ( or study) places, but I think those are the exception rather than the rule. I keep myself to myself in these spaces, ie, very little real personal discussion. I think it just does not belong.

** on asking people " how are you?" as a form of greeting I think is as jarring to British people as " are you alright?" is to me as an American as a form of greeting.

In America, if you were asked if you were alright, it would be because someone thought something was wrong with you and was asking to try to offer some real assistance. Thats NOT what it means in Britain, but by the same token, I think people are jarred when I say " how are you?" because they STOP AND TELL ME in a very non British way of responding! I mean what they mean by " are you alright", which is just a common and polite greeting which does not REALLY want the literal response being asked.

Yet the phrases that tumble out of our mouths on automatic as we greet people while we search for keys, try not to pour coffee on ourselves or others, open doors, turn on lights etc...are just that, automatic! so I try to limit my how are yous but still they come out of my mouth sometimes! But I realise being asked whether I am alright in McDonalds means that they want to take my order, not hear about any state of emotional being!

In answer to the original question the reason is because academia is a highly pressurised environment where only the tough survive and the warlike thrive.

There is an old African proverb my supervisor taught me "when the watering hole gets smaller, the animals get meaner" and as well all know there are more animals around and there is less water (funding) all the time.

But why deal in such a highly stressed enviroment? To what end? What are the rewards?

In my moments of introspection I realise that this lifestyle has made me meaner and more aggressive. I used to care what others thought and had the world view of "If you are nice to others, good things will happen to you". It didn't get me too far. Then I used to be very pessimistic, and that didn't help either.

Now I walk a thin line between being cautious and being brutal if necessary. I do what I have to do, and make sure that I am not falling behind. If I can help others than I will (if they deserve it).I don't suffer fools gladly and don't have time for the weepy and anxious (Hey, its my ex thats the clinical psychologist, I am the academic one).

Without meaning anything in a mean way, that just does not sound like an attractive life...at least for me. Why do it? Why put yourself through the mill of that level of stress? What is it for? I cannot but help get the picture of a line of gerbils in cages on exercise wheels, all racing each other as it were, but in reality they are just running on a wheel that remains in place...

"But why deal in such a highly stressed enviroment? To what end? What are the rewards?"

The rewards are international recognition, Intellectual freedom, and the chance to discover something that is important to you. I guess theres also a certain kudos to make it here.

Its not for everyone. No one gets rich here, and any gratification is delayed, but thats not hard for anyone that takes 3+ years and writes a book just to get a bit of paper.

The world you describe Badhaircut is the world I can somewhat sense in front of me as this goes on...and of course it is a highly individual choice, but...shudder...its that vision that makes me stare into space and search for an alternate future. Each of us has to make our own choice, and I do not mean to disrespect yours, but the world you describe sounds very dismal to me.

" What is it for? I cannot but help get the picture of a line of gerbils in cages on exercise wheels, all racing each other as it were, but in reality they are just running on a wheel that remains in place..."

I guess this is the inevitable endpoint of all life in an advanced capitalist society. We all run so that a few people higher in the pyramid get to live the lifestyle they want. We all run so perhaps maybe one day we too could be like them, if we are lucky.

We are all gerbils on wheels. Some may make up stories and say that they are different, but essentially we make our own wheels to run on. From Prime Minister to burger flipper we all just run.

We all have different motivators, and external recognition is not a high one for me. That said, external recognition means doing the same thing again and again, to keep on top of that pinnacle. More is not enough. Its sort of a Sisyphean task ( see all the study was good for something, I learnt about Sisyphus =P ) from what I can see.

Recognition does not keep you warm at night. It does not laugh at your bad jokes or act happy to see you on a sweet summer afternoon. It does not fill your stomach. It is fleeting, passing, something that must be endlessly sought...and for what?

But the old adage is that money does not buy happiness. And from my own personal experience, that is true. And again, I can only speak for myself in this, realising that people have their own individual motivators and needs and goals. I think that people "run" as you put it trying to fill something very empty inside, trying to buy to fill a void. But it will never be filled that way, because the void is something not material--its a human need we all have for connection, relationships, friendships, etc--the meaningful "stuff" of life.