Thank you, Barramack. I think I may have to re-consider some choices and make a final decision! It is definitely not easy, however. I always want to jump ahead - so your advice to take a small step at a time is very useful!

It sounds to me that he enjoys the dynamic of the 'adoring student'. I've noticed this so often in my dep. (sociology)...that is the reason I say it. The good-looking, charismatic male phd students who date undergrads that they teach...the head of deps and profs (and also the saddo 60 year old lecturers) that always make a bee-line for the pretty and unsure first year phd students at the start of term party...the postdoc that the (male) prof loved and convinced the rest of the (female) panel to accept. Rarely will you see it the other way round, unfortunately cos sexism still exists even in the spaces whose bread and butter is to espouse social justice. These men also are never interested in attractive women that are their senior, and rarely those that are their equal.

maybe i'm projecting from my experience (what i've witnessed, rather, not directly experienced) but i would just say please be careful. it feels so good to be wanted, and to be given attention to, and to feel a connection. however men that actively court a connection with someone who has less power than them...nine times out of ten it is exactly because of that power differential. and a man that chooses someone who has less power in such an explicit way...is almost always a creep, who can, as someone else said, turn into a psycho.

Its easy to lose perspective when emotions are involved, however remember why you are there - to do a phd. neither of my supervisors are directly in my field, however they have been just amazing. its not a necessity, its not even always desirable. Just be protective of yourself. don't allow yourself to be manipulated. i'm sure there will be many men in the future that you can have a great connection with on an equal level.

Thank you very much for this advice - I think that it was my main concern that it would be difficult to find someone whom would be interested in my project. Just a recent conversation we had about me drinking a bit too much at a faculty party - he said that at least it wasn't dancing on a table asking for a pole.... hmmm... innuendo?
I think it's those sorts of things that tend to put a bit of "tension" in the room.... not sure about him, but certainly makes me think of other things when with him!

Hi

I have to agree with Tree here. Look this is not right and will only end badly. No good can come of this.

It seems like this guy has trouble setting personal boundaries and for anyone in any job in a supervisory position in a very poor trait indeed.

I am all for nice working relationships between manager and employee student and supervisor etc but these relationships MUST be platonic.

Also there is another thing to think about and we all know it exists - do you want to be known as the person who had the relationship/fling with the supervisor? Can be a bad reputation to have.

Do the right thing - you know what that is - I wish you the very best and I am sorry if my words sound hard.

Best wishes
B

What also worries me that if he is willing to overstep boundaries in relation to spilling sexual innuendos around his PhD students, he probably won't have much restraint when it comes to showing his disapproval of PhD students that come to be a problem(which could very well be you in six months time). This person doesn't seem to respect himself, his work place, or you. This would ring alarm bells.

On a personal note, the things he is saying to you...they don't sound like the things someone would say to someone else if they had a real, genuine and (self-respecting) sexual attraction. It seems like he is 'playing' to see what you will do. From what you are saying it seems like you are thinking a lot about this situation and enjoying the attention, which is human, but it seems its really playing into how you are approaching this (common) situation.

I am sure you can find another supervisor. Or you can simply behave professionally, and not entertain his comments. There is just so much at stake in this, and he has all the power. Look after yourself.

Guard your feelings....this is already a unequal power relationship and you are vulnerable to being both emotionally and physically abused and he will still have a job and you might not even have a degree. Get your degree first. You didn't go to find love at the uni but to get some dignified and secured job later. Love will happen when it's supposed to happen. Anyways, there does not see to be any concrete evidence that he might have any special feelings for you. He might be intrigued by you and your interest in hi beyond the normal academic one-so you are already feeding his ego. He will never tell you his true feeling anyways.he probably thinks your intimate life is far better than his. It took me five years to tell me supervisor that i have a partner and that too I bothered to let him know only because I don't want him to think that I am lonely and have no life outside of uni! Supervisors have a weird notion about their students's personal lives... They are interested but they stick with the main bone of the relationship which is professional. Sometimes, they feel insecured if they know you are sexually active as well but by and large, if us tick with one partner, then your image is safe.
If I may ask and if you feel comfortable to reply, are you an international student? Usually, if you are from the local culture, you will by now know what his true feelings are and not speculate.

I can’t see how a healthy relationship can stem from this power dynamic, or how a good PhD would be possible if you’re in a relationship with your supervisor and experiencing all of the ups and downs of a relationship. Choose one - your choice - but not both, and be strong about it. You're in a much more vulnerable position than him so be careful.

And what BevCha says about reputation - reputation is so important in academia and its foundations are built during the PhD.

Hi there all,

I apppreciate all this help - thank you (and especially more because I am new to this dynamic!)
I am a local student (however did have a few years overseas also studying and teaching!). Hence, the reason why I somewhat 'knew' him when he approached me the first time thinking I was in the dept.

However, it is so difficult to think of him purposely manipulating me - as he has children whom are younger than myself and his late wife was very respectable and was part of our faculty too.
Perhaps personally he is lonely - I confided to someone else, and they said very much what some of you have said - that he is trying to deal with his feelings to work with me, however it is coming out as unprofessional banter.
But also, I think it is important (as you have all said!) to tread carefully. Even at a meeting the other day, I was looking over his shoulder at his computer - and discussing some work on the screen. The way he was looking at my face - I couldn't focus on the screen. I looked at him and it was one of those moments where you are both just looking at each other and... a kiss just happens. He then quickly said to sit down and he would talk with me there - hence that broke the tension quickly lol.
I think as someone said here... you never know what could happen in the heat of the moment. And the fact that this is happening very early on, I think it would be difficult to even be in the same, small office.

Who knows if he does or doesn't, if he's a psycho or just socially inept or you're reading too much into it. He's widowed with kids so you need to stop thinking around this. If you want to keep him as supervisor I suggest you get a second. This is very common practice. Have both supervisors attend the meetings. In the meantime go get a hobby, join a club and put this guy out of your mind.

Hey wowzers - I think that is exactly what I am going to do! Whatever happens, happens - but not under his supervision. I think I might start on the lookout for another supervisor in my other dept - perhaps he could be an advisor, but I think I will prefer someone else whom will be directly related to my project.... hopefully it works out! Thanks again.

Hey! Can I ask...just out of curiosity, how old you are? You don't need to answer, as of course it's none of my business.