hey aloevera, this is getting more and more complex! as you asked, i'm 32 now, started my PhD at age 30. actually, i moved to a different country to start my PhD and thus obviously put family plans on hold. we had a distance relationship for a year and 4 months, and now he has moved over to join me (including a good job). actually the distance relationship was not too bad - we talked/skyped EVERY day for an hour or so, and i just spent 30 weeks of the year (term times) here and went back for the rest. also, we visited often - 3 times per term. so in fact, there were 4 terms of 10 weeks each in which we only saw each other every 2-3 weeks. just saying - doing a PhD can in some cases offer the flexibility of making a distance relationship workable. but it is of course still a tough choice.

i totally agree with jouri and leone about having your partner involved. either way - doing a PhD or not - he will have to be part of your family plans!

as to my plans, i'm doing fieldwork soon, and having a child before that is out of the question due to the nature of my fieldwork. after that, we'll stop contraception. i'll be in my third year by then and mostly "writing up". if i get pregnant immediately, the baby would be born end of third year - it's more likely to be sometime in the fourth year. that would be around submitting/viva, or after that.

partner would reduce work load and i would too. we'd try to find childcare for maybe 2 days/week. we live literally 5 minutes from partner's uni and they provide on-site childcare so that sounds promising. (his job to pick up baby in the evening )

Well I have found it hard. I feel as though I can't really do either thing properly - look after my daughter or do my PhD. I swing between wanting to spend more time with my daughter and wanting to spend more time on my project. I have been very uncomfortable with using daycare - especially when she was under 1 and still don't use it full-time. A lot of guilt and stress but I don't think it has to be like that - I just have too much baggage.

I think the fundamental problem is trying to do anything at the same time - afterall - an academic job would be just as demanding and probably less flexible. I really don't want to be at home 24/7 - the problem is that I know my daughter would prefer it.

Having the baby after submission would be a lot more sensible - but wait and see how you feel after that before committing to anything. And definitely talk to your partner first!

Unless you are over 30, 3 more years should not be a big deal.

I did follow the advice to not put anything on hold - if you want both - go after both. To cut the story short - I couldn't have had my daughter at any other time. If I had had her first, I probably wouldn't have gone ahead with the PhD so in some ways it was better that it happened this way round - it's the only way I would have done both.