I don't think its a good idea to date your supervisor or tutor or lecturer--just as there are wise cautions against such behaviour in the work place. If you both feel that strongly about the relationship one of you needs to change universities or work places, in my opinion.

Hi,

My partner is a senior lecturer, though not at the same university I'm doing my PhD at. Before he met me, he got asked out by one of his PhD students and said no because it was against university policy. Basically, if he dated a student, he could theoretically have lost his job.

There's a lot of turning a blind eye that goes on in terms of this kind of thing, but my parter's university isn't the only one that has a similar no dating students policy - so my advice to yu would be to check out your uni's official line on it before getting involved. Just to be on the safe side. Also, if you're in luck and they don't have a policy on it - means you can do as you like!

Hey.

Olivia, I see what you're saying, as rules (unofficial or otherwise) normally exist for good reasons. However, since most of us spend significant amounts of time with other students/academics, it also seems that it should be acknowledged there is room for flexibility providing both parties can be sensible about things.

I don't know how realistic it is to suppress things - tried that by avoiding said academic for most of last term, but now general weirdness has kicked off again. Oh well.

Hi Beverley,

I haven't actually found an official policy, as far as I can tell, there seems to be no such thing. I do respect the academic concerned, so would be loathe to place them in an awkward position. However, we all know that these things are rarely rational (?!).

As an undergrad, I'd completely understand the rules, as staff are involved in your academic progress. As it is, I only interact with this lec. in a social setting, and that means the boundaries seem to be becoming blurrier. I think rules would be hard to enforce when people are consenting adults and there is no conflict of interest, i.e., them marking your work.

Well, it sounds to me like you've pretty much made your mind up. Glad to hear there's no conflict of interest - otherwise I'd say leave it. As it is, I hope it works out.

Hi.

Well, not exactly made my mind-up, as have yet to *do* anything - it's all very odd at the moment. I was more looking to hear of others experiences, as surely, this cannot be an uncommon experience.

Why on earth would either student or staff member want to get caught up in this? I can think of no reason that would justify the potential professional and personal complications. What if the relationship does not work out? How will you manage the (potential) awkwardness of this in the future--especially if one or the other of you did not want this relationship to end? What if the other person starts appearing at social functions with a new partner? etc. What will your future professional responsibilities be? Might they include working with this person? Just because they do not now does not mean they might not in the future. I can think of no reason at all to get involved in this sort of thing--as I said before, if you are that convinced in the strength of this relationship, then one of you needs to change departments or universities.

And if you are NOT that convinced about the strength of this relationship, why on earth would you ever venture forward? There are plenty of fish in other seas. Think of your own past history in relationships and see if there is anything that is carrying over into this...perhaps you are not really seeing this for what it is? Its important to have strong personal/professional boundaries.

well, reasonably, it is not a good idea to date any one in your working place.. but since you spend most of your time with them, like me who spend almost 80% of my time in my office, it is really a torture if you find someone attractive but cannot do anything about it.. luckily, most of my colleagues are not that attractive to me..

I think you make a strong point Olivia, but I guess in the end people often end up acting on their emotions rather than being practical. Personally, I wouldn't get involved with anyone in any kind of workplace or professional environment, but the fact is that it happens all the time. Whilst you've definitely got the moral high ground there - I think the person who posted this question isn't averse to weighing up the pros and cons and in the end will have to do what we all do, simply make a decision and hope it's the right one.

Olivia:

1. I don't think anybody would intend for things to happen. Professionally, we work in different areas, but if anything occurred and subsequently went wrong, it would not be difficult to limit contact - I managed it for most of last term for reasons you describe.

2. Believe it or not, I have always been cognizant of boundaries. During the MA (same dept.), some other staff used to socialize with us, and at the time, I genuinely thought some stronger boundaries were appropriate. Now I'm slightly older, and cannot see the problem, at least friendship wise.

3. I didn't ask for this, and I'm normally super-rational. I know that what you're saying makes sense, it's just difficult when I see them, as then we get chatting, and everything seems natural. Logic seems to fly out of the window.

Hi Tom,

Yep. You said it. My friends and I used to joke that no PhD would become involved with a member of staff, as well, none of them seemed attractive to us. Then this new one joined, and I was struck by a lightning bolt, lol. We didn't actually meet in the capacity of lec-student, they turned up to our social drinks, and we have gotten to know one another from there. Maybe I'd be able to reign this in if I were forced to deal with them as a staff member, and not as somebody to unwind with on our weekly drinks.

until not too long ago, about 80% of all new partners met at their workplace (not always as colleagues though - you can also meet clients, customers, etc.). it has changed a bit by now, with the internet coming in as strong competition, and then leisure activities, which have become more and more important to us.
what i am saying is: if you rule out anyone who works at the same institution as you are at, you need to start internet dating right now - or you'll never get a partner...

or in other words: i don't agree with "dating anyone at your workplace is unprofessional". of course, there are limits - your supervisor for example, is out of bounds, IMHO. and of course, there can be problems. but those can arise out of any relationship. i don't see why dating a lecturer at your uni who has nothing to do with you except socially should be more problematic than any other person you could date. say you date a fellow PhD student - you break up - that can be just as akward as if it had been a lecturer. so i don't agree with the hierarchy taboo, either. my partner was going to apply for a position as lecturer at my university - he got another job first, so didn't. but if he had, then i would have been with someone from staff from my uni, and i would not have seen the least problem with that.