Hi Shani,

1. Never expected it is entirely correct. As the cliche goes, when you are not looking. Having spent four years to get where I am, I don't want to do anything to jepoardise that. Sound familiar?

2. No, it's not rational, and I did try to distance myself, for almost two months. Well, you know, when I met them again, it resumed. At first, I tried to ignore it, telling myself it was off-limits, and now, well, we'll see. I do want to stress that nothing has happened, and it may not.

Hi Olivia,

On my part, I don't think they are somebody I have a desire to sleep with once and forget about. I'm not somebody that develops attractions often, and when I do, they tend to be fairly long-lasting. I do agree about the mature judgement, which ironically, is probably more a concern on their part as they are nine years older than me - i.e., worried I might not be able to deal with anything serious, enjoying the student lifestyle etc.

1. My PhD friends have actually picked up on my attraction, and nobody has had a problem with it, at least not openly. We are all a similar age, and recognize that boundaries are looser than when we were undergrads.

2. There is little potential for a disruptive working environment. We're not in a lab. It's a humanities PhD. We have our own room on the other side of campus, and the staff are elsewhere. It's rare to see them on a normal working day, unless we go to a seminar or talk.

Olivia, whilst I know your posts have been very well meaning, you do come across as very judgemental when you say these relationships should never happen. You suggest internet dating - I did that a few years ago, and was contacted by a professor from my Uni (different person).
Fot me the most important thing is a deep intellectual connection - which I would not get from meeting someone in a bar or through 'a hobby'. All the successful couples I know met through work (my three best friends, my mother's new fiance). This happens precisely because people in this situation have more in common.

"Until not too long ago, about 80% of all new partners met at their workplace" - I really thought the majority of people met through friends actually! I don't want to add to that debate, which I guess depends a lot on where you come from - honest I never even dated a guy from my school when I was sixteen, always thought it was too much potential trouble, so as far as my job is concerned, gosh... Lol, however I do a job which is primarily given to teachers who are about to retire, and I'm 26, so I guess it doesn't apply

Error404, you say "Potential complication. I am gay" - I am not sure, but it might actually make things even easier, I mean as far as your colleagues' opinion is concerned, being discreet and all that... To the eyes of many, your relationship could easily pass for friendship in that case (-or am I being too naive?).

1. I'm gay (female). Status of staff-member is uncertain. All I'm prepared to say is that if her behaviour and comments came from somebody knowingly gay, I would interpret it as wanting to get to know me better. It's all very hypothetical at the moment. Although as I said, others have started to pick up on things, so it might need to be addressed in some fashion before long.

I think Olivia is trying to be pragmatic, and a different viewpoint is welcomed. But I don't think it's realistic to try and ignore the situation for another two years - at least, it might make me feel rather dejected.

I agree on the intellectual connection. Academia, by its nature, attracts certain sorts of people, and these are the sometimes the sort I feel a strong mental connection to. And no, I'm not mistaking that for something more. I gel wel with my supervisor, but shudder to think at anything else.

Sometimes, I wish I'd met said-person in a different context, as obviously, none of these complications would occur.

Well I sympathise as I have a long history of dating people from school/work/houseshares. In fact I met my husband at work, then we worked for competing companies and that got me into some trouble, so I quit.

In my academic field it is very common for staff members to be married or similar - and we regularly have postgrads who are couples when they apply together or team up later.

I do think it's kind of inevitable really - I think a lot of people really do meet people through work. The problem to avoid is having any line management between you and that includes teacher-student realtionships. Otherwise - just be prepared to deal with the fallout if things go pair-shaped. I can see that being gay might add a new level of anxiety to the situation - but straight or gay - it just is not that easy to meet someone you think you really connect with. So I say - carpe diem my friend

olivia, the ideal of "stay-at-home wives and mothers" was only ever that - an ideal. with the exception of bourgeois elites (a tiny minority) 1820-1920, roughly. and for the "masses", this lifestyle was economically viable only (roughly) 1950-1980 or so. not to say that people didn't aspire to this - but wanting it is not enough! it's one of these myths of "traditional families" that were actually always the historical exception. in the west, in most places women's participation in the labour force was at its highest 1900-1920. heck, a male factory worker in the conditions that Marx was writing about couldn't afford his children not working - let alone his wife!
and if you are talking about those elites, or those few decades when this lifestyle was actually widespread: you forget that "not working" is something that MARRIED women did. before women got married, they went to work - they met their partners (often AT work) and then quit after marriage.

sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread, and didn't mean to come across in such a "lecturing" tone. i just taught a sociology class on "the family" yesterday and this topic is one of those where i truly understand the necessity of sociology! it is so easy, so common that "traditions" are invented and then used to argue policy solutions. and misconceptions about "traditional families" are so widespread, it is really necessary for the historical facts to be researched and publicised!

Good point, Shani. Between 1946 and 1985, my grandmother worked full time, despite being married. Between 1968 and today, my mother has been working full time, despite being married. I think this "burgeouis elite" as you call it must have been really tiny. In some European countries, it probably never existed as such. Also it would be interesting to see differences between European and North American countries.

this threads get really long.. how is it going on with the "crush" now?

Hey. Nothing to tell, as likely won't see them until Fri/the weekend for social drinks. At which point, I'll turn into a bumbling idiot, you know how it goes. I do have their number now, but if only I could find an appropriate excuse to text.

it should be easy to create excuses.. i usually bond with people in sports, museum trip, or just a newly-opened restaurant.

Oooh, this gets exciting now. Shall we all cross our fingers for this Friday?