Gosh I can sympathise, I'm turning 35 in a couple of months and submit my thesis next week (YIPPEE!). A PhD is tough on a relationship, true. But for me, I knew that I had to do this PhD, I'd tried the industry jobs and not enjoyed them so decided to do something I enjoyed. I definately want kids, and reaching that age when I need to get on with it (biological clock been ticking for years but hadn't met the right man before my PhD - so thought I may as well not worry about the future and do something I enjoy). No idea now I'm in debt how to have a stable life with kids. Though I thought about it thoroughly before, and decided I'd rather be happy in my work life and figure out family life as it comes along. Not sure that's much help (or right! Ask me in a few years how it's working out) but it's my perspective. Your partner sounds FABBY. If you enjoy the PhD, keep going. But I can understand if you want to give up too.

I understand. Im 26, about to start my second year of PhD. Its hard to think that once we finish, we will be in our late 20s and will only have just got out of the clutches of academia, without having those things that many women in their 20s already have. I worry about whether this PhD is the right thing to do, but there are days when I think whether I would be blowing a fab opportunity. But, my partner of 5 years decided to end our relationship as he wanted to focus on himself and not be in a relationship, despite us talking about marriage and babies. Now, it looks like marriage, babies, getting a house etc is completely down the toilet. I do wonder whether studying for a PhD caused him to want to end our relationship; he was and still is v.supportive, but its a shame that all the things I wanted for after my PhD (marriage, babies, house etc) with the man i love. So, in some respects, your not alone!

bah, its poo being a woman sometimes

PGFT can we please have some new Girl power smileys to cheer us up?

Ahh, you're not the old H from the forum
There's a happy smiley face, will that do?

I wonder if a mature PhD I know got it right. She started having kids at 18, has been working, then at around 40 is starting a PhD, and her husband is very well off, so no money worries. She's also worked for years in tha lab and knows what it is like.
There's the issue of where to live with partners too, as mine has a business and can't move.

It sometimes seems like we (as women especially) have to make a sacrifice somewhere along the line, we have to risk our personal lives to gain the academia achievements or we have to sacrifice them to an extent to settle down and put down roots. I don't know if this will make sense but sometimes don't you feel like you're not a grown up? Like that by doing your PhD you are tying yourself to 'studentism' for anouther 3/4 years?!

See in an ideal world, I would find a job I loved but carry on my PhD part-time, would take forever but at least I'd get it in the end!

Just booked the holiday 10 mins ago, can't wait to get away from the lab for a couple weeks in the sun......got my stack of trashy holiday novels ready to go!

Know the feeling as I think about about some of those issues everyday since I started my PhD. My thoughts are that you cannot get all that at once. But gradually you can. For example get married first, it does not matter if you are in which year of your PhD (probabaly not in end of final year or writing stage). Then if things are going OK then think about babies or buy a house with the help of your scholarship money. Just get one foot in first, outside PhD world people do face situations which are a bit similar to this. There are people who have done it all during the PhD, including getting the PhD, but its not a smooth road at all!

if the whole family thing is a shared project, it is difficult for men, too. i mean, if he just gets himself a young fertile partner whenever he is ready to settle down, that's fine of course - but if he is in a steady relationship the biological clock will be ticking for him, too. i am 31 and one year into my PhD. we are together considering if trying to start a family during my PhD is a good idea (since i will be nearing critical age by the time i'm finished). right now, things seem to be working out - he got a permanent job at a uni nearby which pays well. but if it weren't for me, he would have applied to different, perhaps better places (in career terms). but if he wants that family - with me - he'd better arrange to live in the same country as i do and he'd also better be prepared to do his share of babycare so i can continue with my PhD.

if he however hadn't got that "ideal" job, we would both have to decide how much we want a family and how much we want to pursue our ideal career. he might have had to leave academia and research, so that i could keep doing my PhD while we had a baby. or i might have had to quit my PhD so he could keep going with his career while we had a baby. or we'd both stay focused on our careers and resign ourselves to not starting a family.

cc, what do you mean I'm not the old H from the forum?

confused.

rozza, you are so young that whatever you decide, it should be fine because you can still change your mind in a few years time if needed.
a friend of mine gave up a fully funded phd a few years ago because she hated it. she began another phd 3 years ago and loves it despite having to work full time to fund it.
i began my phd when i was 24 thinking that i would be done after a max of 4 years...i am 32 now and still at it. to cut a long story short, i have had a lot of fun doing consultancies related to my topic in exotic places in the meantime...
my partner has been really suportive ...we now have two young children and i still haven't finished my phd...and am wondering about the future holds for me. but have no regrets so far. the only thing that bothers me sometimes is to see how settled and comfortable -financially- my working friends are...whereas we don't even have a proper house to offer our kids!
so whatever choice you make, good luck!

I'm sure over a year ago there was an H who I thought was male.
Either you're the same person and female, or new, or I've just lost it somewhere down the line...!

While I agree that there is no "right time" to start a family, I also think there are certain points that make it easier. Having kids after gaining a permanant lectureship job that gives you employment rights is an example.

I see two main issues here.

1) The insecurity of early academic work which means you cannot plan, or are eligible for the basic rights most others have, (e.g. paid maternity leave, which PhDs are ineligible for).

2) The need for a very supportive partner, who appreciates the demands of the academic lifestyle. Most people wouldnt understand this and naturally become resentful.

So, sorry to drag this up, but back from the holiday, and back in the lab. And I'm not happy. I don't want to have a career in academia. Of all the things I do at uni, the thing Ilove most is demonstrating, and I'm really good at it. So I'm considering leaving and becoming a teacher. Am I mad to even consider this? Forgetting all about the future with my other half etc, it can't be right to feel this depressed about my PhD. I have no motivation and hoped that after being away it would reignite my drive, but it hasn't. I love my subject but my research is sucking that passion away I feel!

I think it sounds like a fantastic idea. I can't believe that people would be more scared of walking away from a PhD than spending the next 2-3 years miserable and depressed. Plus, if having children is a major concern, then being a teacher is great as you have holidays off to be with your kids (my brother is a teacher and loves that flexibility).

You can always come back to the PhD PT - I do it (it's not easy, but it's definately not impossible)