hey olivia, sounds good!

i was once talking to my supervisor about an author who i really liked - i think she wrote some marvellous stuff and wanted to base my whole PhD on her work. my supervisor agreed that it was good stuff and said it's a pity she isn't in research anymore. i asked if she knew why not? did she not find a job? (previously, my supervisor had been complaining that no-one she knew who was working on my sort of topic had ever found a job - very comforting...) no, said my supervisor. she had just been fed up with academia. she was now breeding horses on her own farm somewhere out in the nowhere instead.

well if those are the prospects i'm facing with my PhD - i'm not too concerned!

Thanks Shani! That is very interesting about the author/researcher you admired!!! Right now ( and understanding that this is not how I always felt, and might not feel in the future, its just the moment), looking into academia feels like trying to stuff myself into a dark, airless chamber for the rest of my life, like being buried alive. Doing something else feels like lighting in the sunlight, and being able to breathe and be happy.

Is having ability a gift or a curse--I don't know. We all have talents or we would not have made it to the PhD level, but who is to say that is the best use for them, in any individual case? Only the individual can decide.

In the end our body tells us what we try not to hear--in my case, being flattened with a migraine headache, a foot injury that is exacerbated by the stress in my whole body--and its time to listen to it...to figure out what I need to do.

I don't think in the end the answer will be academia..but right now I foreclose nothing...I am just exploring.

I also have a secret alternative plan...

One of my closest friends has just left a 20+ year career in academia and thinks I am nuts! But I don't feel any pressure to have a long-term academic career or tenure. I would like to do some more research though (I think). I am used to changing careers or flip-flopping between them.

Hey Olivia,
This thread has actually moved me to tears! I have felt exactly the same about academia being like stuffing yourself into a dark, airless chamber, as you described. I'm no longer in academia, for a range of reasons. For me, leaving was like stepping out, blinking, into the sunshine! Very disorientating, but a massive relief too. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. x

In my crafty phase I learned how to spin wool and weave (a bit, it would have required far more time than I had available to learn to do it properly!) Now I just dabble once in a while - when my kids were at school I taught the whole class how to spin, which was fun. I buy my wool ready combed as I haven't the room to keep a whole fleece, although I think I may have some straight from the sheep wool in the attic somewhere. I often buy in breed specific wools and they are so different, some are really soft, and I've spun those, and made felt too, and some are much more, well hairy I suppose, Jacobs sheep, whch grow well in Wales, produce a quite rough but beautifully coloured wool, a very subtle grey, which i enjoyed spinning.

One thing though, I do like to do my own thing with it, so my teacher used to get a bit huffy when I said I had no intention of producing the even thread that she thought was best. It is fun to experiment and I have used my wool with metallic thread and even a second thread that I had threaded with beads, although that took ages to produce so I ended up just using it as a tiny part of a garment. Its a fun thing to do and if I wasn't so busy at the moment I would get my wheel out now (Its an Ashford from New Zealand).

Olivia, I feel just like you and periodically these doubts about an academic life really submerge me. I think for me it is a case of doing the second best thing I would love to do with the aim of geting to my first love THROUGH this track. You've said a few times that you dream of writing a novel. No doubt you've put a great deal into your PhD already. Finishing it does not mean you have to be 'trapped' in academia. You could do it for a while...or not at all... Recently I read an old interview with Vladimir Nabokov. His response to one particular question might be of interest to you. The interviewer points out that many writers know no other alternative than a life on campus and asks whether N thinks that an academic and literary career can nourish one another. He replies: 'An academic career is especially helpful to writers in two ways: 1. easy access to magnificent libraries and 2) long vacations.'

Joyce, that is really interesting about the spinning. I know sheep's wool can have different textures and so forth--have been to and even had a hand in trying to shear a sheep! The wool when it comes off the sheep is not like you see in a finished product! Was it hard to learn to spin? Does it require lots of patience and manual dexterity, or is it something that comes pretty easily? ( I suppose that depends on the person). But interesting to hear nonethless. I am looking into weaving classes close by me to see if there is something that might be feasible to try.

"looking into academia feels like trying to stuff myself into a dark, airless chamber for the rest of my life"

This is EXACTLY what I feel. I look at professors in my department and they all seem pretty unhappy to me. My supervisor opened up about this and said that there is so much work, stress and pressure that she constantly feels like she is going to end up in a mental hospital. I have realized that my desire to compete and succeed as an academic is just not strong enough... BUT I'm not able to quit the PhD either (I have this thing of knowing that I will be haunted by being a failed PhD student for the rest of my life). I have made the decision to just cruise along and do the minimum to complete succesfull thesis and then leave this chapter of my life and move on to something I actually enjoy doing.

Without (hopefully) going into too much personal information, in thinking carefully about the timing of my moods, they are somewhat linked in time to hormonal levels. All women have hormonal level shifts through out the month, I as a mature mature student am in a decade of life changes, and ought to be aware of the impact that hormonal shifts have on mood. I woke up today feeling bright and cheerful and sunny, without the tearfullness and sadness of the past week...and no doubt in some manner linked to changes in hormonal levels.

Its a bit distressing to realise that something like that can have such an impact on mood, and that is not to say that the entire dilemma is simply a hormone fuelled one, its not at all. But it is to keep in mind ( literally?) that our mental status is influenced by any number of physical factors. All the more reason to seek some balance in life and make sure I am taking care of myself--not doing that is going to drive up stress levels, doing that will help ease them...the underlying dilemma remains but a few attempts to change some lifestyle patterns here and a recognition of contributing physical factors also changes how some of the issues look.

I never actually went to shear a sheep, but have had a whole fleece, its intersting to work with one, but there is quite a bit of waste if you only want to spin the wool. How long it takes you to learn how to spin depends in part upon what you are trying to produce, and also to some extent who is teaching you! I started with a drop spinning tool, as used be the spinsters of old and then went on to using a wheel, I like someone to show me the basics, but then I want to go off and do my own thing. (I was the person who made clay pots using dustbin lids when the rest of the class made dinky little pots)I'm a bit of an experimenter really, which is why I like 'knobbly' threads rather than the very fine threads needed to produce something like the Shetland shawl, which traditionally has to be able to pass through a wedding ring. A shawl can however be produced on a frame, and this is the method I use as it allows different threads to be used. You can also knit with them.

Weaving on a proper big loom however is another thing entirely and even the threading is quite complcated. These days I haven't the time to even think about doing that and I gave my loom away a while ago anyway.
I see from your other thread that you are doing some work again, just take things slowly don't overdo it and make sure you give yourself permission to do whatever you want, when you want, best wishes J.