by some hideous quirk of timing, 14 February ( a few years ago) is the day that my divorce decree arrived in the mail. It was not a surprise, I was expecting it, but it was a horrible day to have it arrive. I think I went to the mall, shopped like a fiend, and then sat in my car and cried. Now I just have an uneasy relationship with Valentine's Day-and am glad when its over!

It might be worth adding another viewpoint here....
I think it's really important to have a work life balance. We all know how much work is needed to do a phd, and its not easy. but 3-4 years is a long time to try and sustain this. While I agree that partners have to understand there may be times when you have to work late/weekends/or any other facet of the phd process which means they might not be top of your list. But this doesnt mean you should necessarily give up on the whole idea because you can't have a relationship AND a PhD. Of course you can. Both take work, and its probably harder to sustain than if we were all working 9-5- but they may (hopefully) be around once the phd is over.
Unless of course your relationship is really making you miserable, in which case you might have to rethink, phd or not. I just dont agree the two have to be mutually exclusive.

jojo, i am sorry to hear that things are going so badly for you currently.
did i ever tell you that you have often been a source of inspiration for me? when i came to the forum and you always made the impression of working veeeery hard, so that i felt i should stop surfing and get to work myself!
now, your posts sound as if you were really at the brink, which makes me sad, i deeply sympathise. as you asked what to do: first of all, take a deep breath. although everything may seem bad right now, it WILL get better. then, let someone you trust know that right now, you need their support without questions. don't just hint at it: tell them directly. it's like a deal, and you are not committing yourself to eternal dependency, nor are you asking them to give too much - just right now, you may really need someone. and that's ok!

then, take some time off. as much as it takes. to avoid feeling guilty, you could tell yourself that you are simply getting your work-life balance back into balance in order to work more effectively in the future (as it seems that without that balance, no effective work has been possible recently...?!). so you are doing it not to pamper yourself, but for the benefit of your PhD, too.
i hope you will get properly healthy soon and sort out all the other stuff, too. sometimes it helps me to remember that the toughest part of doing a PhD is fighting your own inner demons. Or, in other words: At times, you are up against a most formidable enemy - yourself. But, it is just you. You can manage.
Gosh, re-reading this, it appears cheap. But well, maybe something or other rings true for you or is useful in a way.
Good luck. You'll get through this, and things will look brighter soon.

Jojo, you have all my support, if someone is worth you, they will not make you cry or suffer. Parents always have your best interest at heart, you have let them down, communicate to them that you are sad about it, and you will try you best to make their wishes come true and also your goals. As for the boyfriend, you deserve much better, and baove all focus focus focus on your doctorate......we enough single hunks out here

hey jojo, im not sure what your health issues are, but i know that health stuff is very much interlinked with the emotional stuff in life, both affect each other, and it is very hard to feel positive or work when ill. In the first year of my phd ( a few years go now) i was getting ill every few weeks,stuff like tonsillitis, chest infections, my supervisors thought i was out partyng lots cos i looked so tired and washed out. turned out had a lot of food intolerances.

but i had to get myself healthy first before i culd properly get on with work. at that time i was also in a long term relationship, which again had problems- around the time i was ill alot he cheated on me..(then we split up!)-but looking back now i can see they were all interlinked-for a long time i blamed illness, breakup etc on myself, and it all really hindered my phd progress..
emotional wellbeing and health are so important..you have to put yourself first, and be honest with your boyfriend and family about how you are feeling..

if things wit your boyfriend are really bad, reassess if its worth it all? but a phd is one of those things ive found that NO-ONE really fully understands unless they have done a phd themselves.i myself didnt fully realise the pressure (altho i had been told), and how it wuld feel in the last stages of writing up, the emotional swings u go thr, until now when i am at that stage!

I was reading over a PhD journal I've been keeping for some time, which I've specifically kept to record how I'm feeling throughout the PhD. It's all over the place, going from brief moments of elation to the utter depths. Alot has happened in my personal life since I started the PhD. Like shani mentioned, I think the PhD actually makes you face yourself, and I think I read this in one of the guides on getting a PhD. I'm sorry jojo, sounds like you're going through one of those times when everything seems to be going wrong. It will change, and things will get better.

I know it sounds cliche, but have you thought about just writing down precisely what you're feeling? I know you probably don't have any time spare, but it might give some clarity, and make you see where the real problems lie. During the PhD, we are expected to take training sessions, research methodologies, etc. But, there is no course provided which explores the emotional pitfalls of doing a PhD (though I know some unis do this). I think sometimes people forget that life goes on during the PhD--3/4 years is a considerable period of development in someone's life. If someone were to write down the changes that have occured in their life in four years, it would be quite enlightening. Add a PhD on top of all this, and what a rollercoaster.

Hi jojo,

sorry to hear about your troubles. Indeed it has been a bit of time the last time you wrote on this forum.
Birdsandbees has a good point: life-work balance is very important both for your physical and emotional health. The way you write seems to indicate that emotionaly you find it difficult to manage. Do you recognise issues like problems sleeping ,difficulties concentrating, irratibility with people who do not understand you, difficulties in getting things done? If so it may be good idea to get help. May be contact the GP? or at least talk to people, or like Xeno suggests, write things down. Perhaps concentrating on your health is now more important than your PhD?

thanks everyone. your thoughts are really encouraging. i will definitely go and see a GP. I think its about time - re the physical stuff. i'll also start to go to the gym again. i spoke to my boyfriend and he seems to have agreed to not stress me about relationship issues anymore. as for my parents, i haven't told them about my emotional issues. i feel they wouldn't be supportive. i will just tell them i have handed in whether or not i have. right now, i just want to pick myself up and start writing up again. i'll probably have very early nights and early mornings til i have a first draft. taking time off is just something i find difficult to do - given all the weeks i've taken off, ill. i really want to try and finish this year. for now i'll do a few hours a day and build them up in time. thanks once again. J.

Good luck. Remember, if times are tough, the forum members are always here and we now exactly what you are going through.

a lot happened in the weekend and i ended the relationship. i cannot cope with the pressure anymore. now i can focus more on my work. it is sad i had to do this, but it was the only way out.

You have my sympathy; hope everything improves from now on.