As of now, my supervisor still hasn't replied to my e-mail and it has been 4 days. In 2+ years, he never went more than few hours without replying even if to say that he is busy and will reply properly later.

I think I will wait a week and if I still don't receive any contact, I will go to his office. Thanks for your advice guys, I know that you are right but apologizing makes me cringe. Looking back, I don't think anything I have said was that bad, I didn't launch into any personal attacks etc.

Part of me is worried that I will now get kicked out of my PhD. This whole situation is really worrying me so much that I haven't been sleeping properly and am up in the middle of the night right now. I had thoughts of quitting before - if I were to quit this would all go away. I am trying to tell myself that if I get kicked out - I wanted to quit anyway so this is all for the best.

I wish I knew what my supervisor is thinking right now, it's the not knowing that is making me extremly uncomfortable.

Did things come to a head in some way before this period of silence Lostinoz? Maybe I've missed something but it seems strange that he responded well to your sniping then suddenly went awol. You don't suppose there's something going on with your sup aside from his interaction with you?

Either way, don't beat yourself up over it, what's done is done and if your supervisor is not without fault himself. While you may have behaved wrongly he facilitated that and didn't address it, as your superior it's his job to tackle things, not bury his head in the sand and avoid you.

I'm sure you won't get kicked off your phd for this. Even in the big bad world of academia there are protocols to follow and problems have to be addressed in the proper manner. Ignoring you for a few days would not constitute a reasonable attempt to deal with the situation, and it would reflect badly on your sup if this fell apart. If he's inexperienced as you say, rather than angry it could be that the man has simply lost confidence and doesn't know how to handle matters with you.

Maybe send another email requesting an informal meeting, and if you don't hear back after a couple of days track him down. You don't need to perform a dying swan routine, just briefly explain that stress got the better of you and you want to apologise for the way you behaved towards him. If you voluntarily state that you've behaved badly and would like a fresh start, I can't imagine he'd say no. Don't torture yourself over this and don't drag it out, I'm sure it'll all work out fine.

======= Date Modified 06 Apr 2010 21:02:51 =======
I think you are better apologising now rather than later, maybe not for being annoyed because we will all get like that, but the way you spoke him. I think getting kicked off your PhD for this would be a bit extreme as there will always be rocky patches when you have to work with someone for 3+ yrs so I wouldn't worry about that. The longer you leave this the harder it will be and it will affect your relationship with your supervisor. A good student/supervisor relationship is crucial for a successful PhD. Good Luck:-)

======= Date Modified 07 Apr 2010 00:07:04 =======
Hey Lostinoz

4 days isn't long to wait for a reply, and it has been Easter. You won't get kicked out, and don't even let yourself think about that as a way out of this!! That's not an easy option, and you'd regret it!! Wait a little longer, then phone and organise a meeting. Good luck!

Hi Lostinoz,

Look, if you don't want to apologise-then don't. If you simply try to avoid being snippy and be more upfront-next time there's an issue just say it-things will probably smooth over. My take on your supervisor (which might be completely wrong-given extremely limited information) is that he is a nice guy who doesn't always live up to your expectations and when you're snippy-he probably agonises over it. Thinks "holy sheet!!, maybe I am doing this" and then he goes out of his way to make it up to you. The point is when you do that, you are (and this was probably completely unintentional in the beginning), manipulating him through emotional blackmail. Just stop it-that's all. He doesn't sound like the sort of person who will suddenly change character completely and cause you to fail or will refuse to do the things he should do to help you further. And you don't sound like a bad person who has to publically recant and wear a hair shirt (through a formal apology) in order to preserve the delicate balance between postgrad students and their supervisors.

Just sounds like a situation that sort of got out of hand. I myself, have apologised to people -mainly my principal-once when I thought I was making him wear too much baggage of my own. I think he appreciated it but he was surprised and probably was not expecting it at all-certainly we had pretty sound relationships despite what I thought, but that was a long time ago and I needed to do this for myself-not so much for him, although he certainly benefitted. This was in a particular situation, when I really wanted to move on, for myself, and I wouldn't necessarily advocate this path for anyone else or as a standard response for all and sundry- particularly in the case of just small every day interactions that have gone a bit awry but certainly are not at the formal complaint stage. If we made a complaint in the workplace, everytime someone became snippy with us-I'm thinking here of the army of administration workers who work behind the scenes in my particular institution, we would be here till Christmas!

I think relationships between students and supervisors or employers and employees need some form of basic respect but they are not so fragile that this bit of sniping is likely to cause everything to fall apart. However, for you, Lostiinoz, you don't want to keep being this sort of person all the time. When your supervisor slips up (and they do!) just tell them nicely but directly. And if that's hard to do face to face, do it in an email but a really straightforward pleasant and professional email. If you want to make it up to your sup and the apology thing seems to be getting out of hand, just buy them a nice chocolate with a small note that says 'thanks for your help'. They will think you are magic!

Hi Lostinoz again...
the long post before simply mean't relax...your supervisor is probably having some time to himself over Easter. After all he has a life and lots of personal research to do as well. And in the end...you need to decide the best way to move forward. All we are doing is providing advice-and some of it might be useful and sometimes it isn't useful. It is your life and your thesis and your supervisor...do what you think is best. If something feels wrong in your gut-go with that instinct-its usually right.

I have a long and painful history of apologising for just for being alive (due to previous personal issues) so please don't read into my disclosure about my own apology to my employer anything more than simply being me sharing this. It is not meant to provide any warning or anything else. And things will work out-sounds like you are having major late Phd thesis nerves...something I haven't experienced personally, but have been aware of through other posts.

I have to go back to transcription now-line by painful line-and I'm getting too involved in posting again. Whenever that happens I have a break...I can get too caught up in things. But you take care and just move forward-it doesn't sound like it is a big issue but thinking about can certainly help make it appear that way.

PS My advice about the chocolate still stands!

Thanks for your support guys :)

Your replies are really helping. The thing is, my supervisor checks his e-mail multiple times a day and has a blackberry and he always responds immideately (even over Christmas, past Easters, annual leave, even when his wife was in hospital). This is highly unusual. Perhaps I have just been bumped down his priority list which is fine by me. He is not at work until Monday so I can't go to his office. Perhaps I should just wait til then. He has also been in contact with other collegues (which I heard in passing today). STILL I would assume that it was something else but...

Just before Easter break things came to a head. We had a major argument (although we have had them before but maybe not as bad). The reason why I even get into arguments is that my sup doesn't like discussing any issues at all, even in a non-confrontational way. Whenever I try to talk about an issue he would pretty much change the topic or say something like "The sun is shining outside!". This really gets me annoyed. I am afraid that my sup could possibly read this board so I don't want to go into detials...sigh :(

I guess I should just hang tight and wait til Monday... I will update you guys if there is any news. If anyone has more advice I would be v. gratefull!

Hi Lostinoz, I would apologise via email first and then when I saw him on monday I would talk to him about it. It might make you feel less awkward about seeing him again.

All is well that ends well.

Yesterday, I was working away in my office and deep in thought when someone comes in and says "Hi Lostinoz!". And it's the supervisor (he was supposed to be on holidays but sometimes he makes random trips to work - he is a complete workoholic). I didn't mention the argument or the unreplied e-mail and he went through the PhD questions I asked in the e-mail. Towards the end I asked him when he plans to circulate paper X and he replies that he already did. Well, it turns out that he DID reply to my e-mail the same day, plus send out the X paper and couple of other e-mails. For some reason our mail server was down for the day and some of the e-mails were not getting through. So I didn't get anything hence the misunderstanding.

The only thing that he mentioned about the argument is that he hopes that I have had some time to relax and de-stress over the Easter break and that I am feeling better now. Thank God I didn't need to apologize or anything. We also had a laugh over a few things that happened over the break so all seems well now... Still I must remember to have better impulse control over being snippy in the future :p

Excellent outcome Lostinoz. Very pleased for you. But do try for a calmer path in the future. You don't want to get into this situation again ;-)