Hi.
I have child and I am glad I do. It changes you forever.
It was the best choice for me but it isn’t for everybody. I just refused to live my life for a CV but definitely feel the pressure from academia you are talking about.

Ian, I think you would be surprised at people without a degree. My husband is a joiner and we get on very well. He is not academically gifted but he is a very intelligent person. You just need to give it a shot:). He likes my exploratory holidays.

Pineapple: Its not embarrassing. Its so much easier to save up for a deposit when there is two of you.

Not sure if this piece of advice is right, but a lady who is a VIP academic once told me that the best way for a woman to combine motherhood and a successful academic career is to
a) either have children early in life (e.g. before starting or completing a PhD) or b) have children later in life (late 30s, early 40s).

The first scenario allows women to raise their children before starting their academic career; then it is easier to focus on academia while children are at school.

The second scenario is also a possibility, as it is easier to get back to academia after a short academic break, than starting from zero.

Cloud of Ash, I get you and I'm not necessarily looking for an academic background in my women. I'd be happy with someone who left school at 16 but turned out to be someone I could relate to and have a laugh with. That's all really.

But I'm finding with some women that there's a gulf there that wasn't there before. I know there's give and take in any relationship, but I think we all find for various reasons there's too big a gulf to bridge.



I've some personal issues to deal with, but once sorted I'll give the dating websites another go.

Ian

This article seems very relevant to this post. Also had me in tears as was virtually spot on! http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/savvy-auntie/201201/my-secret-grief-over-35-single-and-childless. Taking each day as it comes...

Pineapple, just letting you know that that link isn't working....i'm very interested to read it, as a person wanting to go into academic research and not sure whether to have children or not.

I loved reading the article. It's a bit different to what I usually read and I fully understand and respect your agonising feelings to settle down and have a family. I would like to add here the opposite point-of-view, as I think that it should be presented as well. I am sure the internet has plenty of articles, if you search for the term 'childfree'.

Some people have no intention or desire to procreate. They have no maternal or paternal instinct. They may even feel uncomfortable being around kids. They don't wish to have children, for various reasons.

Childfree is a kind of stigma. In a child-centric society, the childfree (and particularly childfree women) are called names, from selfish and immature, to (even) child-haters. They are 'brainwashed' everyday, in order to be converted to 'the norm': 'it's different when they are yours!', and 'who will look after you when you are old?'. I know of a childfree lady who had tubal ligation - her own mother does not talk to her any more because of what she did!

Society always attacks and interrogates people: 'why did you not have kids?
Yet, nobody asks a person for their reasons *why* they had them.

Childfree people experience emotional pain, because nobody understands and respects their right and reasons to remain childfree. They are 'ostracised' as different.

Ultimately, as I said earlier, whether to have children or not is a personal decision. There is huge polarisation between parents and non-parents, but this should not be the case. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Both views should, and must be accepted equally.

Very true Marasp.

Couldn't agree more, Marasp. Well put. I've had the selfish label thrown at me by my sister before and it's pretty upsetting - and self-righteous - although at least she was open. Silent judgements from friends and family can be just as damaging.

I don't have kids and am pretty much past the point where I can. I don't get any stigma, maybe I'm lucky???

But this has been a source of considerable anguish for me. Mostly about possible future regrets, not that I wish I had one right now. I love kids, I am besotted by my friends' children and had a big role in my niece's upbringing - she is in her 20s now. I was 18 when she was born but my sister was vulnerable and on her own so I stepped in a lot. This experience has effected my feelings about actually having my own. Now she's older I finally feel free. Also, her adolescence was horrific and I took the bullet for that. It's taught me that having kids is really bloody hard, especially when they grow into teenagers - I suspect it's usually people with younger kids who rave about it, that part was wonderful, if also tough. I don't think many people admit quite how hard raising kids is. The stress of an adolescent like no other, it still is sometimes. Plus the worry of what will happen to them is collosal - PhD stress is minor by comparison. So the choice is not always about whether or not you are maternal/paternal. I'm very maternal indeed but am still not convinced I want my own kids. Just because you'd be good at something that doesn'tmean you have to do it. Plus I know it sounds morbid but we called all very well be facing an apocalypse in the next 50+ years. Every now and again I get seriously haunted by this fact. If I had a kid now those thoughts would torture me.

This is great discussion thanks for starting it.