I don't think that there is any need to be sarcastic Matt, whatever your opinion.

On the contrary, I believe Matt's response is quite fitting considering the high school mentality we're dealing with here.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I do care a hell of a lot about my PhD which is why I chose my supervisor in the first place as he is the leading expert in the field. I just dont understand how this can be happening, I have always been the model student with the highest grades, and now I am in danger of risking everything. I think you are right about trying to just block all of this out until the phD is completed in 2 years time. Any advice about overcoming the practical problems the fact we cant look easch other in the eye/blushing (which I dont see as flirting actually, but rather nervousness around each other) ?? Thanks everyone

How about going back to thinking with your brain rather than your heart (of which you've lost control of).

I believe RogueA understood the slightly cutting edge to my post. It certainly wasn't sarcasm and remains my 'advice', although RogueA's advice is perhaps more prudent.

There is nothing high school about it. I was in exactly the same situation. I once had a crush on my undergrad lecturer...and we've been very happily married for several years now. You can't help your feelings, but, unfortunately, you're right in that you are in a situation where you have to be extremely careful. It is not just your PhD, but BOTH your academic reputations, at stake. Unless you fall out of love with this guy I don't think you can ignore how you feel (I don't think you want to either), but you can just not do anything about it until you are finished with the PhD. I know that is easier said than done (yes I really know!), but it isn't worth the risk no matter how strongly you feel about him.

I beg to differ - it is part of the high school experience you will read about in every high school yearbook. The teen hormones, the fleeting eye contact across the classroom, the pubertal 'he loves me, he loves me not' mentality, the 'secret-crush' entries in their diaries, the love notes passed around in class.

The difference here is that the teens in this story are not actually in their teens anymore. They're adults. They're adults with careers requiring professionalism, involving years of hard work, academic ethical standards, moral standards, reputations, respective families, possibly even children... they're all at stake.

Why? Cos somebody has a crush. It's not 'love'. Emails are exchanged every day but it appears nothing has been said, nothing's been exchanged, there has been no heart-to-heart D&M discussion about the consequences, there has been no formal confirmation or acknowledgment. She doesn't even 'know how he feels'.

And if something does develop between these two, if they are found out, the university's ethical standards committee would come down hard on them, not to mention the devastating effect of their respective partners and/or families.

Is it worth it? (She'll say yes! Yes! It's all worth it! Because I love him! Even though I don't know how he feels!).

The best advice to give here is: grow up. Prioritise and gain some emotional wisdom and regain control of your life with the maturity of an adult with half a brain.

If it is really worth it and both are willing to make sacrifices, then they should come clean with their respective partners/families. Then the right thing to do is to cease their professional relationship as supervisor/student. Find another supervisor or student in the meantime. Or hold it off until she completes her PhD and if the mutual feelings are still there, then do what needs to be done.

Until then, it's high school all over again.

Harsh...but your right and I appreciate your honesty. It does feel quite infantile but due to the circumstances nothing can be said openly...

Nothing can be said openly? Are you suggesting that things will proceed covertly then?

No, not at all. As I have said, I have decided to try and put the feelings on hold till the PhD comptleted. However, it would be better if we could at least talk about the situation openly (even though nothing will be acted upon), as would be the case in any normal situation outside of academia.

Ah well, ok.

Feel free to come back for more harsh words if you need something to help you snap out of it again. I'll be here to dish it out.

I think that nobody here said:' go ahead and enjoy it'. We all expressed our concerns for Lamp's future and recommended her to be very careful. However, I just don't understand the attitude of some people here. I don't feel part of the group who feel have the right to throw stones from their little pulpit and judge other people's lives every time that someone does not comply to their vision of the world. It's matter of something called mutual respect. Nobody writes here to waste their time, we write here either to express our joy or frustration or to ask for help. I should thank all the people who took the trouble to have a kind word for me when I needed it. But I belong to a world were fallacy is human.

Corinne, I agree completely. I don't understand the need for such harsh responses to somebody who probably feels bad enough as it is. People on this forum can be very supportive up to a point but the second they don't like something they are downright mean. Perhaps it's the informality of this type of communication that does it - or are you people this rude face-to-face aswell?

Anyway Lamp, I have to say I do agree with the general advice on this thread (if not the mean sentiments of some of the posters!)... just try to forget about it, don't say anything and don't do anything!!! Maybe you should take a break or something to clear your head? Good luck with your dilemma, I don't envy you

Hi again Lamp - I hope things are making more sense now. One thing I don't think anyone has considered is how often you actually see your supervisor. If you can stop the emailing (addictive sometimes when it's flirtatious), then could you reduce meetings to say, once every six weeks / two months? It seems as though you could both do with taking the heat out of the situation. Why not just email work as and when it is completed, and just go to see him as little as possible whilst making sure your PhD doesn't suffer as a consequence. Seeing each other less might give some perspective, and try to enjoy your current partner. If there are (and it's a big if) inherent weaknesses there (which you need to look at without regard to the supervisor), then end that relationship as soon as you can, focus on your PhD, and see if this guy really means what you think he does to you.
More than anything... Good Luck with whatever you choose. And know you're not the first to be in this situation