I really don't think I've changed all that much. Maybe I'm a little wiser, and more mature, and perhaps a little more sure of who I am as a person but I think that comes with age generally.

I'm still me and that's how I intend on staying. :-)

Saying that I think I'm quite simple-minded and perhaps that's why I've not changed. :p I tend to not overthink things and take each day as it comes and that suits me.

Wally, I agree with Eska... it sounds like you might be a little depressed. Try taking up some exercise or just seeing friends and dealing with the fact that you might be a little strange. We all are... and friends are the people who appreciate us of our obscurities. Go for a family meal and reconnect with them. Scrap the Kalms (they're rubbish) and go for Night Nurse. Smile randomly at people you see in the street, or in the shops or in the car next to you. Most people will smile back, and that kind of warms the heart. Little things make big changes. (up)

Wally this does not sound good, in fact, it sounds rather like me a few weeks ago. I know a phd is meant to be challenging, but I don't think we should just accept massive damage to our mental health as an innocuous "part of the process". I agree with the others, take some time away from the phd to reconnect with humanity and the positive things in your life. Far better to finish a couple of weeks later and still have your sanity.

For me, that mood stuff has levelled massively since seeking help and starting medication (this isn't for everyone I know, I have a history of this stuff so I knew it was needed), I've cut back, spent more time being social and while I'm not getting as much work done, life doesn't feel like a constant hell either. I hope that I can now get back into working well without damaging myself.

I know I've gained skills during this phd and had some wonderful opportunities, but I have to admit, the constant sense of inadequacy (often idiocy) has ground me down. My husband comments that I seem to have lost a great deal of confidence the past three years, and that I'm not as sparky as I used to be. I often feel that I don't have much to contrbute in a social setting, but I'm trying to work on that. The biggest difference is that at the start of this I couldn't comprehend people who quit 2.5, even 3 years into their studies, now I understand entirely.

Ok, I'm back, my mood has lifted slightly due to listening to some rock music and venting various frustrations! My PhD has changed me in many ways, I mentioned some of the more negative earlier although I think wanting to talk about things other than mundane crap isn't such a bad thing...anywhoo, I can feel myself digressing so I'll move swiftly on!

I've become more confident as time has passed at talking about my work to 'important' people, I'm more confident at handling situations that take me out of my comfort zone and I have learned that there are some things I'm good at, some things I can improve at and that I can accept that there are some things that I will never be good at. I've learned I'm better at writing than at analytical stuff even though I don't always enjoy it more. I've changed in that I'm beginning to understand myself more and see how all the seemingly random choices I've made in the past are starting to sort of fit together. I've learned I'm a bit tougher than I thought but there are some things that will always floor me no matter how tough I am. And i think I've learned that perseverence is one of the biggest lessons in life, try not to lose yourself along the way but remain flexible and open to change and you'll be able to take whatever comes. And no matter what, there is always a choice in doing this or not, if it's truly that bad then we can always leave (although that would be a gut-wrenching decision..) and if we decide to stay, there must be something we enjoy about it, so cling on to that though and it just might get you through. And you will finish, even if it takes longer than expected, you can still do it.

Walminski, What we all have Endeavored here means that we are trying to use our Intellect at full Throttle. I think it affects the Structure and Functionality of our Minds. I never Intended to start PhD as a platform for financial gains. Like some other people I also think I am Unemployable. The Increased Functionality of a Brain could make Physical matters more Pellucid and in turn could develop an Attitude of Zero Tolerance towards Nonsense. This could Perforce us to Seek Hide Outs or in developing a sort of Cocoon around our selves because we may feel Vulnerable. The Society out there does not work solely on Intellect, it is a realistic world where Networking Counts more. The Enlightenment of 3rd Eye can also Crucify us which is the Ultimate destiny anyway. Its a complex matter. For me there are very few people who are directly connected to my Welfare. I feel free in that Sense. I do Exercise to test my Perseverance and even to my limits. Same is with the mind as well. But that does not make me Attractive to other People. At least, I am happy that I am not doing any harm to anyone and engaged in a Positive Activity. I am keeping myself fit to see the Nature with an Open Eye, without any bias and with a Zero Reference or State of Mind. But the zero bias is what would make us annoying personalities as well as far as other people are concerned. Take good care of your selves you all Chaps there, avoid un-necessary medication or drugs and Eat/Sleep properly at least 9 hours everyday coz you are restructuring your brains with all hard work and Research and it needs fuel to do that...(up)

Hey again! I have to agree with the others Wally, sounds like you need time out and a change of scene, even if it's just briefly. I haven't really had any PhD-related issues as such, but I have had problems with depression and lack of sleep etc in the past and it really affects all aspects of your life. I'm not sure if what you're describing is depression or not as I don't know you well enough, but either way it sounds as though you need to take action in some way. I know it can be difficult to take time off, I'm the worst for that, but it really does sound like you need a breath of fresh air, away from the PhD, with friends or family or whatever, and do something you really enjoy. Sometimes even just a short change of scene can make a difference. Might also be worth seeing your GP about the sleeping. It might just be that you're not sleeping because you have work on your mind all the time, but there are medical conditions that can make it difficult to sleep so it might be worth seeing if the doc can offer any help. I don't like taking sleeping tablets but I do go through patches of having to be on them and they can provide a bit of respite! Hope you're feeling better soon, best, KB

Will read posts later at a workshop in Germany (!) and doing this! but had to respond.

Its made me 100 times more confident of my capacities, and 100 times more nervous and insecure about life.

100 times hapier about the world of opportunities that has opened out. 100 times more depressed about the so many other things it has messed up.

it has left me swinging from one end of the spectrum to another.

I'm totally withdrawn from society, I can't even jump on to a bus without over analyzing and criticizing people, with out me even knowing them! I put everybody down in my head, I'm starting to get really reclusive and desensitized to everything. I fear my social motor skills are being eroded away. not cool.

Before my PhD I was rude, grumpy and intemperate.

After my PhD I am more rude, more grumpy but less intemperate.

8-)

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I totally felt the same Willie! Oh I swear I said the same once! You know what? for me, the PhD totally transformed me, I feel like I am a new person.
But, I am a foreigner, so I have been through major shocks (I really mean shocks). I reached a point where I didn't go to school for one month and just decided to change and analyse my mistakes and what to do to deal and succeeds in the PhD. it was total metamorphosis for me, and was so necessary for me to pass, I think if I didn't do the changes, I wouldn't have been able to continue or pass.

My shock was so huge and my decision of change was so huge that I bought a big Dali painting to remind me of my stupidity and my hopefully getting better image ;) the painting is called metamorphosis by Dali : http://www.3d-dali.com/Tour/metamorphosis.htm

During the PhD, I was feeling sad ..etc, just like you,  too much pressure, but I learned a lot. I'm very confident now, and all those feeling of despair, loneliness, helplessness are gone, by the way you will still learn till the day you hand in your hard bound cover of your thesis to your supervisor, so you got so much time to learn and be happy.
Only now I can see it, i have finished now, and I think I have learnt so many valuable skills, I guess that is why they say education is important, other wise, any other skilled technician can do what we do, right?

I have learned to be more analytical, not to believe every thing i read, i trust my instincts more and I found my self to be right most of the time.
I have made a lot of mistakes, which made me more aware of the right things. I have become more organised. I learnt that if someone is expert in a field that doesn't make them right all the time, I think this is the most important lesson is a Phd, because you can trust yourself more.

My writing improved, and now when I read a book I see the process of writing, which make me judge the quality of that book.
I am more aware that there is no one right solution or opinion to things in life.
I have become more determined, and patient.
I respect the power of networking to get information, and value that even a cleaner can help you with your work ( once they had a key to a lab I wanted things from and it was late!) I was not very good in making connections with people.

My supervisor forgave me for so many mistakes I did, which made me more forgiving now and I see that am not perfect and people still believe in me.

I can count more positive things, but I Think that is enough for now. So, yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel, although I think that light will not get brighter until you get the post doc job
:p

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Ok Dispatcher, I didn't mean it in a disrespectful way to Cleaners or any other human beings! I mean that at first instance you might think that only researchers can help you, but that is not true, every one can help.
I'm always nice to every one, which is why the cleaner offered to help me in the first place, I was talking to her and she offered help, I didn't even know she got the key to that place. I was bad in making connections ( I mean to ask for help and connect the idea that every one has a positive role (Just like you said) and might be able to help you in unexpected way). Forgive my language, I still need to improve my writing skills. Again, my deepest apologies if you think that I am offending any one. :$

Again dispatcher, the only reason I mentioned that networking phrase is because I simply and honestly wanted to help others, because I think research is difficult and it is more difficult for a student because of time limitation. PhD students need help from any possible source, I wanted to share my knowledge that networking is important (I was not aware of this fact and the PhD taught me that). You can believe me or not, but all I wanted to say is that we have to be flexible and more open minded in our researching approaches.

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