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Yeah, I can see what you mean, that some questioning is fine, just normal chatter. But I had the impression, from the OP that there was a 'judgmental' tone to her friend's questioning, and I wouldn't dismiss the OP's perspective on the topic just because she is depressed and under pressure. I also think innocent, general chatter type questioning can easily spill over into more intrusive interrogation, especially in a competitive environment like academia - and that kind of questioning is usually not entirely benevolent. 

I'm amazed at how isecure many people feel about other's situations. I never feel insecure around women with children - or men with children. My supervisor has two kids, both university age. He built his formidable career alongside raising them, and it would never occur to me to feel intimidated by that. A childless life can be hard work for any number of reasons - caring for relatives, recovering from trauma, bereavement etc, etc; while a person with children could have very little extra work - because they have a stay at home partner and supportive families -I've seen both scenarios a few times (or they could just let their kids raise themselves - soemthing I witnessed in a highly successful artist I once spent a weekend in the company of). Or a person with kids could become more determined and disciplined because they have a family to raise - I've seen that a couple of times too. A single person can feel unsupported and lonely to a crippling extent. 

No one really knows what goes on in people's lives, so why on earth pit yourself against something you know very little about?


Bug: Your friend is right in that work cannot be everything, but that does not mean you have to have children - or even a partner. You just have to remember to be a human being and make those genuine, close bonds. It's funny you should say that you feel you could be missing out when you see your friends with kids. I feel the opposite! I adore my friends' and cousins' children, but I would not wish to swap my child free life. I much prefer things the way they are. And I have one friend who is particularly envious of me - she has been suffering from depression since her first childbirth a few years ago (this is pretty common), has had horrendous health problems since having the second and the career she loves has almost gone to the wall. Having kids is not always the answer, and it is the one thing in life you cannot renege on. I get plenty enough from being with the beautiful children I already have in my life - my situation is better for the planet too, infinitely.

Plus, Bug, I think your friend was quite rude to suggest you strive to achieve due to the lack of a relationship -would he have said that to a man? To me this is just another example of someone poking around and making judgments without knowing the full story.

Good luck, I can't believe you are leaving us. I think you wil be back using the post-doc threads. At least I hope so...

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Hi everyone.

Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate them. I can think straight and calm down after reading them. Thanks!

Hahahaha. That is very funny Mak_2011. :-)



I understand and don't feel anything is wrong if the person is really asking out of his/ her curiosity or just would like to ask about my experience to prepare for his/her PhD application. I received many questions including the same ones as I mentioned in my original post from others too (other than this particular friend) and I answered them as best as I could and I didn't feel angry/ intimidated / really uncomfortable by those questions. It was only from this particular friend at that particular time that I felt really uncomfortable. She had actually known most of the answers as I had told her about my situation previously (it was so naive of me thinking that everyone would understand and would offer some motivational words /advice), so why did she need to bring up the same issues again? I just didn't want the same feeling to repeat when I meet her at the conference and considering the situation that I am in at the moment, I might burst into tears in front of her if she provokes me again.
By the way, it is surprising to know that people do say this kind of harsh words to those who are really excellent too. It is not only me or only because of my poor achievement that means.

I have just returned from the conference few days ago, I met her there and she asked me about many things more- what made me think that my supervisor was a good supervisor when I applied for my PhD? Is there anyone in the lab that I can discuss with? When am I expected to graduate? What is the novelty of my research? What do I gain from my internship? How long will my PhD be if I am going to graduate on the date that I mentioned before? Did I take a long time to setup my experimental hardware? What software do I use? bla bla bla... but this time without any judgmental tone :-) and I tried to answer all her questions as best as I could. I also asked her about her projects, grants, teaching experiences, how does she manage between family and work etc. We had a nice chat about our old friends, family and many other things. Another good (or maybe sad) thing about meeting her was she reminded me of the person I was before starting this PhD.
Thankfully everything was fine and most importantly I didn't cry in front of her.

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Huhu, you don't need to compare yourself to your friend, who seems to have an unpleasant attitude for all of her achievements. You doing a PhD is wonderful-even if it is hardgoing right now. We need 'intellectual capital'-we need 'knowledge'. They are valuable in and of themselves but just because you can't see them- people often don't value them as much. You are a repository of knowledge and this knowledge will enrich you, allow you to make a positive contribution. Your PhD has value and merit as well.

PhDbug, your friends sound rude and as if they want to make you feel bad for some reason.

I have children but have not had a partner for two years now and some members of my family and female friends like to point this out...or always ask me if I have met anyone yet but rarely ask me about what I am actually doing or about some of the really good things or interesting things that have happened this year.

At first I felt really bad and it seemed as if everyone around me was happily married within partnerships but then I remembered how terrifically unhappy I was for many years in both partnerships and how much better my life is without a toxic relationship. Yes it would be good to have everything, who doesn't want it all-but the reality is that most of us don't get 'everything' or at least not all the time or all at once.

Why do people try to make a doing a PhD something negative? I can only think because they are a bit jealous and want to belittle you and your achievements or they have no understanding of it whatsoever. I used to apologise for my being a bit academically inclined, as if it was a weakness not a strength. I don't think it is related in anyway to my unhappy relationships-they are more to do with making poor choices and early life experiences. The PhD has nothing to do with them- I would be doing one with or without a good relationship.

Huhu- do you have to spend much time with this 'friend'? You know also, it takes a lot of courage to keep going when things are tough and the outcome is uncertain-don't underestimate this or what it says about your character.:-) Sometimes, our friendships change and we outgrow them. Maybe you have outgrown this friendship or maybe it was once more supportive. Whatever has happened, don't use it to beat yourself up. You are doing just fine:-).