It maybe look trivial, but i am really depressed...
Oh!!! Louie! big huggs (((((((:-))))))) I have felt like this so often. A man as sweet and sensitive as you will surely find someone who cares. I too think the object of your affections is doing you a favour - there is nothing worse than hanging on and hoping.
Its certainly not trivial, and this sort of thing can have a massive effect on your work and is often overlooked or trivialised by supervisors. I had a nasty break up when looking for post-docs and I reckon it honestly set me back 6 months. However, friends and places like here helped me vent when I really needed it (even though it didnt take away the pain, it helped me through).
Your individual situation is all too common ("I just want you as a friend" basically). Its bad enough when you have this card played at you in the best of times, but when you are isolated, uncertain and on an uphill struggle like most PhDers are it can be even more devastating. Its like the only thing to look foward to is gone, and you are left with re-writes, running another experiement without that hint of joy at the end of the day. No other way to say it but it sucks and it hurts like hell.
I personally don't get much out of when people say "buck up" or "oh its going to be alright at the end". Its crap now and thats all that matters. You can talk to student counselling, get drunk with friends, take a few days off and try escaping. Basically find a new temporary non-girl oasis to get you through. Or maybe take some time to say "Yeah, this is shit" and basically mourn and grieve, recognise any good things you got out of it and finally bury it and move on. I did the latter and it worked fairly well for me.
this "I just want you as a friend" stuff is crap. You never know what they really want.
I think one thing it might mean is they definitely don't want to sleep with you, for whatever reason. You can't make yourself fancy someone if you don't; it's doomed and you end up messing them around or letting them down at a later date, so it's just not worth it.
Looie, I hope you're getting over it. Maybe the friendship between you will return soon, once the awkwardness has blown over. These situations are difficult though!
MH and Looie,
I can assure you that there are men out there who play games, who manipulate, and who cannot decide what they want. I am not saying that in the defense of women, I'm just stating a fact. It happens on both sides so both men and women get hurt. I think those behaviours are caused by lack of maturity rather than a bad character. I think it is difficult to demand total clarity and stability from both males and females before the age of 30 (of course there are always exceptions), however, there is no age excuse when it comes to lack of honesty. Honesty often comes with cost but I, personally, cannot imagine any other way. So, good luck to both you as I wish you'll find your 'perfect' women to be with. Bad experiences are difficult to go through, but they teach us lots of good things, help us understand better what is it that we are looking for in the other person. Little bit of distance and caution never harmed anyone. Just don't let those feelings take over your ability to open for someone that might be worth investing your feelings in:-)
this "I just want you as a friend" stuff is crap. You never know what they really want.
I think one thing it might mean is they definitely don't want to sleep with you, for whatever reason. You can't make yourself fancy someone if you don't; it's doomed and you end up messing them around or letting them down at a later date, so it's just not worth it.
Looie, I hope you're getting over it. Maybe the friendship between you will return soon, once the awkwardness has blown over. These situations are difficult though!
Rubyw, what the hell is wrong with you?!!!
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Thanks Smilodon!!
MH, it just seemed an obvious answer to your statement about not knowing what women want when they say they 'just want to be friends'.
'I just want to be friends with you' = 'I don't want to have sex with you' (generally). That's what it suggests to me. No mystery with hidden meanings about what women (or men) may or may not want. Maybe there are other things too, but I'd say that was top of the list. Unless I've misinterpreted you?
(I keep having to edit out typos - this viva revision must be getting to me!!)
MH, don't fret. I don't think people are against you. Substitute "want to have sex" with "want to take the friendship onto a romantic level." That's how I've understood what Ruby's saying, and I agree. When somebody says they just want to be friends, that's what they mean: he/she doesn't feel the chemistry to take it further, but that doesn't mean she/he wants to never see you again, and probably wants to spend time with you in a platonic way. Which is, after all, the basis for most friendships, no?
Looie: hope you're feeling ok after the weekend. I agree with the others who say this person might come back into your life as a friend when things have blown over (if that's what you want). It sounds like you're doing loads of positive things to move on. Unrequited love is crap but it the feelings does go away in my experience!
Wowho...calm down guys and girls, looks like i ve sparked up lotsa arguments and conversations here. Again, big cheers for you all for being so supportive for me, i m back onto the right track already, no worries, I am sure lotsa you had came accrossed with different mishaps and misfortune in the room of love I had a very hard time too, regarding to the facts that i am a homosexual (as mentioned in my previous post), living in a prettly conservative city, and gay issues are not something to be discussed at schools or at home...so as havent been being supported from the general society and other family members, i was raised up with other kids and folks whom also got abandoned by the main stream due to all sorts of other factors. That's why, to be honest, i really treasure camaraderie and friendship. What actually nerved me was the possibility that i might have lost a friend after voicing out my genuine feeling towards her, whom also happens to be a lesbian and a phd student in the medical field.
Luckily, she had replied me a long email, and explained to me the exact reasons of her decline and concerns in behind. I was very delighted as she was actually sharing me her deepest thoughts and histories of her life, she also mentioned she was truely flattered by my honestly and would love to hang out and be goodfriends as before. So, umm...i returned her back with another email and told her more about the deepest part of mine.
So i guess this is the best happy ending i wished to have afterall, not only i had my friendship secured, but also i started learning a couple of new hobbies (lacrosse and kendo) as myself enrichment. I think this is more like a blessing, from Heaven, from my folks, and from you all. And big hugs and kisses eachone of you.
As a girl, rubyw, timefortea, and Smilodon, i truely understand what it means "i just wanna be friends", its a girlie slang inherited in our genes right?
And for MH, and badhaircut, i have to thank you two wholeheartedly, in cheering up that little hidden manhood of myself to ring my mind the message "get over it, get the shit done, get more data, more paper, better job and eventually a better girl! yay! (five-five). And yeh, we know it deep down it wasnt actually about sex...lol.
Once again, cheers for all. I feel life to be more cheerful since than. I dun feel like I am being isolated/abandoned anymore. :-) (and i actually came out to another colleague from moaning about this incident, and she said "its perfectly okey", yeh!)
