my advice would be if you start your PhDs single, stay single. I have been in two relationships since i started. both partners were unsupportive and only cared about themselves. they demanded that i make time for them even when that was impossible. am single now, and HAPPY compared to when i was in a relationship. i go on dates... but i just never let anything get serious. i think its best to keep things that way. when am done, am gonna chose who I end up with. so its not the end of the world, it is actually a new beginning. go out there and start dating again. don't sit there alone...

go out with friends. always have something lined up during these difficult times. who cares about values... if you are not looking to marry someone. take it easy. if they meet the basics of friendship, that's all that matters. just be careful not to get too involved because not many people out there are supportive or even happy for 'you and your PhD.' best of luck!!! good company may be all you need, not necessarily a relationship.

Thank you for all the replays. It was a cloudy morning, one of those when life shows the worst side. I am much better now. I accept that finding a new partner will be very hard (and will need some luck), but nevertheless i am still young and should use this period to have fun and do some good work. What will come will come.
Thanks for all the support, it helped me a lot to know that there are many other PhD students out there that have my problems.

TJ

Hi TJ, I have been in a similar situation to yours in my second year of PhD. We broke up because of family problems, I came from a somehow conservative culture, and her family (mainly the evil mom :)) wanted us to get married which is something I was not ready for. And my family were not supportive. After fighting both families for few months (almost a year) and not getting anywhere, she gave up on the relation and lost hope. For me, this was very hard to accept because I loved her and needed her.

I lived in a denial for a long time, kept blaming myself, my family, her evil mom and my PhD. Slowly I came to accept it and moved on. I agree with JoJo, it is hard to maintain a healthy relation during a PhD. Most partners will not understand the complex mental state you are in. You will get through it, others have been in a similar situation and moved on. Take things easy and keep yourself busy with life, make friends and go out and enjoy yourself. Don't rush into a new relation, good things happen when you least expect them.

I guess it also depends on you as a person and how you treat your phd. I met my husband during my first year and married him during my second year. He has been very supportive but it also helps that I hardly ever work at weekends and most evenings (treating the PhD as a 9-5 job). I think some people can only work in the evenings till late and that wouldn't necessarily go down well with a partner who works during the day and wants to spend time with them in the evening.

I wasn't expecting to meet anyone during the phd and definitely not marry them. So you never know what will happen. Just try not to dwell on it and it will happen if it happens.

I too was unlucky & hurt. My partner left me & I was pegnant at the time. Needless 2 say I have a beautiful boy & a PhD now. Would love 2 talk more. Email me @ [email protected].

Oops typo on my emailAddress I just provided. It is debbieannesm@hotmail. Write soon. Would like to know how you are doing.

PhDs really do get in the way of relationships don't they? We all seem to have had some bad experiences and I can totally relate. My boyf split up with me earlier this year because he wanted to stay in his home country (which isn't the same country I'm doing my PhD) and I said I would join him after I finished my PhD but he wasn't prepared to wait. I guess if they are the right person then they would want to stay together no matter what?

Why don't you use this as a time to focus purely on you and you work. And look after yourself and your work. This is a time where you can be entirely selfish and you know how demanding the work is on your time.
Be selfish and put yourself first.
See what happens, my relationship came in the middle of my PhD when I was not expecting it in the slightest!
Don't worry let it happen.
x

======= Date Modified 28 Dec 2009 07:45:24 =======
irst of all, don't get to attached to your girlfriends. that'll only hurt you worse. it doesn't matter if the relationship is short or long. sometimes they'll both hurt.




Dating Advice

my ex-boyfriend and i were together for 6 years before i started my PhD and we split about a year into my PhD. my ex-boyfriend wasnt the most supportive boyfriend in the world and the relationship just made me feel bad about myself, so it was good it ended.

basically, if you guys have split, then that is the way that relationship was meant to end. it is soooo important that you have supportive people in your life whilst youre doing your PhD, but obviously your ex-girlfriend felt she couldnt support you (evidenced by the fact that she split up with you pretty much straight after you started your PhD).

dont feel guilty about wanting to do something positive for your future (ie. doing your PhD), and dont wonder 'what if'....lifes to short for that. instead, accept that things have turned out the way they have, focus on your work, and pretty soon someone amazing will come into your life that will support you in your work, and have much more in common with you than your ex. and lets get things in perspective, youre only 25!!! youve got a lot living to do yet...:-)

your current difficulty is temporary. You will soon get to know the culture in your new country and find a few friends.
What is more important though, is that you might have overestimated what PhD worth. You may very well end up regretting trading your fun life for that degree.

@Amoha - you sound like one of those unsupportive partners.

I'd suggest that the only way to find a partner who truly understands is to have a relationship with another PhD student, but obviously not one from your department, and I reckon this could make things tricky. Meeting such people is pretty rare though, at least for me...