ok all, i feel i've got to say, you shouldn't blame the PhD for everything. i mean, lots of people who aren't doing a PhD/aren't in an academic career still have lots of trouble, relationship-wise. and on the other hand, i am sure i'm not the only PhD student who has a happy relationship.
i agree that doing a PhD is hard work, timeconsuming, and requires a lot of - not the least, emotional - engagement. in that way, it is just as hard for relationships as any other activity which has these attributes. it may lead to unemployment, or precarious work. this might be a strain on relationships, as other precarious work might as well. i am the first to critizise that all is not well with PhDs today, and agree it is hard to "have both", and sometimes unachievable, but it can work. my current relationship survived my partners PhD from beginning to end, and i do hope it will survive my own PhD too.

i very much do see the point of there being many single female Drs. out there. in general, in western societies, we do still "mate" in gender-hierarchies: he is taller than her, earns more, has higher education. the other way round is much too rare. as women today achieve nearly as many PhDs in Europe as men do, it is becoming increasingly hard for them to find "suitable" partners. men, on the other hand, are also finding it hard: imagine doing your PhD and having a wife at home who manages your household, organizes your social life, and caters to your emotional needs, all the while working and earning enough to also support you financially. the PhD would be a lot easier... as any career would... but such "wives" are harder to find today and many men wouldn't want that situation anyway.

sometimes i think that one reasons why relationships are so complicated today is because we've all turned to the ideology of "self-fulfillment". for some of us, that might be a major reason why we are doing a PhD. i'm not saying it is wrong to insist on having your own life. but it's kind of obvious, isn't it, that in a society where individual fulfillment is writ so large, it is harder to have relationships, because relationships always require compromise, giving as well as taking. the difficulties of combining a PhD with a relationship might just be one very clear expression of this: the paradox of wanting to achieve your very own goals and needs while at the same time wanting to share your life with someone else, who, usually, will also be wanting to achieve his/her very own things.

I think someone should write a book 'guide for partners of phd students' for all those non-phd partners to help them cope, to complement all the other phd books out there... It could cover chapters on 'phrases not to say to your phd partner (have you finished yet)', 'a guide to living on a low income', 'experiences from real life partnerships' etc.

I met my fiancee in the second year of my PhD. She was a shop girl, but things have worked our really well. For the last 2 years we've lived seperatly, over the last year I've worked as a lecturer full time, wirtten up my thesis and bought a house. We moved in on Saturday. Also over the last year my fiancee has started a course at university and has been dedicating alot of time to that. I think I warned her at the begining that the PhD consumed alot of my time, but as its always been the case its never been an issue.

Tiggs

i've been single for nearly the whole duration of my phd (3 years now people!)- so i think it STOPS you from getting into relationships too lol! i dont have time (or energy) to go out and meet people and when i do its usually a one on one 'i'm sorry its been ages power catch up' so there's not much room to meet new people right now, and if i did not time to see them. *sigh* i keep singing the line from baker st 'just one more year and then i'll be happy' lol!

I should probably add that my fiancee and myself only met up on the weekends. I worked on the PhD all week 8.30 until after 5 (normally closer to 7) and spent the weekends with her. I think I was just really lucky to meet someone who could accept those restrictions on our relationship.

Tiggs

it is so good to hear that others have the same problems! My husband finds it quite hard to realize that I have work commitments. He sees me as a student and asks me all the time: what are you doing tomorrow? WORK! Oh...
Peppermint, did you manage to speak to your bf? I think he needs a reality check as well but I know how difficult it can be for people who have a 9 to 5 job and never had the urge to work at midnight because they just found the answer!

Sorry guys! Been so busy with my teaching, grading and research that I am taking some time to reply. Yes. I've spoken to my bf, and he still feels the same way. Guess I'll just have to try managing my time a little better. I guess doing a PhD and its commitments and requirements is not something that most people can understand. Most think that we are just students and since they've been students before, they think it's probably just attending lessons and doing homework each sem. If you want the best of both worlds, it's just up to you and no one else I guess. Thanks everyone for sharing! It's really good to see how everyone is managing both work and family.

Hiya,
I'm doing a master's thesis, and my long time boyfriend is just finishing up his phD thesis. Although we both spend long hours working, we both think that it is really important to spend time together too... after all there is life after studies. You don't want to finish up with an awesome degree but be completely alone.
I think the key is to talk to your boyfriend and lay out some "ground rules". He needs to understand that your studies are important to you, but you also need to make some time to be together.

I guess the same also goes for families too...

Uncle Fretful writes:

You might not appreciate reading this, but from what you have written it sounds that you should give serious thought thought to whether this is the right relationship for you (and not just because of the PhD). You've said that it is repeatedly on-off, which is not a good sign: does it go back to 'on' for reasons of genuine commitment, co-dependency or fear of being alone? Also, his reactions to your problem - blanking of contact, etc - do not sound like a mature way of dealing with relationship problems. Do you really want to be with someone who by the sound of it sulks until he gets his way? You have made the important committment to doing a PhD. My advice, for what it is worth, is not to do anything to prejudice that committment, especially for a partner who may not be there in the long run.