======= Date Modified 06 Apr 2012 17:22:09 =======
Only written 1500 this week. Not a great start. But its been my first week back. Those words are final draft. Main thing is that I have stretched my wings. All of your kind words have given me courage to believe I can do this. And I will not let you down or myself and Bea (my daughter). Thank you for all listening to this mad as a goat rambling looney - I am sorry I am mad as a billy goat at the moment - usually I promise I am only half as bonkers! I hope the Easter bunny hops along to all of you this weekend, with love from H

Heidi, I have read your posts and just wanted to show my support for you too. It is a very tough time that you are going through and some focus (PhD and daughter) is really what you need to help you get through. The first thing you need to do is get that regular maintenance payment into your own account so that you have control of your finances. You need to be able to provide for yourself and your daughter without being put through embarrassing situations by your husband. Let your lawyer do the talking for you too.
I wrote my thesis with three under 2 yrs with hubby home or away as his work dictated. It is tough to write without distraction by children unless you can put aside childfree time (I had just one afternoon a week), hopefully your nanny would be great for this! The later part of thesis writing is about consistent writing and proof reading/editing. You have to be committed to seeing it through til the end. You are so very nearly there so do keep going. Don't give your husband the satisfaction of taking this opportunity from you. You are proof to your daughter that you are not a failure, please don't think this. The breakdown of her family is down to circumstanecs out of your control ie your husband, so don't feel responsible for it. You are doing all you can to provide a loving and stable future together, which I am sure you can acheive.

Keep going Heidi, you've 1,500 more words than a week ago and you can build upon that.

Heidi
I read your post with admiration. Remember that you are a strong, intelligent woman who is showing that she is capable of resilience in the face of adversity. I have every confidence that you will complete your work within the deadline and do yourself proud. I am sure that you are a wonderful mother and your daughter will always feel loved by you and proud of all your achievements. I wish you lots of luck and remember to believe in yourself!

So....an update is required. But firstly please may I say thank you to everyone who has looked after me and my daughter - who has given me courage - inspired me - picked me up when I was down - and thoughtfully encouraged me when I thought all the lights had gone out.

My daughter (Bea) is doing really well - she had her developmental test and passed it with flying colours. She has grown a few more teeth (all the better for chomping with!), she is now officially over half my height!!! which is pretty funny as she is 10 months old (I am 5'7) - my husband was 6'8 - hence we have a very tall daughter! She is learning new skills each day and full of the most wonderful cuddles. Her smile could light up the southern hemisphere.

My PhD - slow start back to writing again - but oddly the words are flowing better than before - I understand things I didn't before - and I am moving it in the right direction. I feel it is possible and will be done - I am not seeing it as a chore - but more of a release - I can escape in to it. I have a fairly structured plan of how many words to achieve each day - give or take - and I am currently following it. I am also being kind to myself when I do not meet a particular deadline.

My life - I have started to make two plans - one with my husband - if he decides he loves Bea and I - and one without my husband - just for Bea and I.

I have the opportunity of two postdoctoral posts on the mainland - I think this is where I will end up. At present I am on a small island - I miss the university and most of all the university library. I think I have a thing for the smell of libraries - perhaps its all the knowledge....and all the exciting things I have yet to learn or find out. Stephen Fry once said 'an original idea...can't be too hard - the library must be full of them'!! hilarious.

I am so tired - I wish I could sleep - but we cannot have it all. Tomorrow I have decided to have lunch with a neighbour - this is a good thing as I know nobody!

Hoping you all sleep like a new born baby badger, Heidi

Sounds like you're making great progress Heidi. Escaping into your PhD is sometimes a great way to keep yourself occupied when you've got a lot on your mind. Make sure you take some time for you as well though. It's great that you're going for lunch with a neighbour. Keep going, you'll get there (up)

Very glad to read your update that things are going well! I agree with Lindalou: delving into your work can be very therapeutic and takes your mind off everything else. It's also nice to hear that you're branching out, and meeting people in the neighborhood.

I hope your husband is getting the help he needs. It can be difficult to accept help because of the stigma, but PTSD is an illness like any other illness for which we need support.

Meanwhile, glad to know that you and the badger are safe and secure, and that your PhD plans are moving forward!

Hi Heidi,

I was just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing this weekend. Hope you are still feeling like you are making progress. Sounds like you enjoy your time with baby Bea and that is so important because they are young for such a short time. Combining motherhood and study brings many challenges and rewards. Thinking about you, K

Hi Heidi
Glad to hear of your fantastic progress! Take life a step at a time and you will be amazed what you can achieve.
keep smiling!

Heidi, very much hope you are doing well and getting through the work. The more you get done the easier things become and so keep working!!! You can do it!

Hello everyone... I hope you are all well and busy tinkering away on the keys...making the magic happen....and the PhD progressing.....so here's the update. I have been offered two post-doctorate teaching posts at Bath and Birmingham. I am feeling very lucky indeed. So much of my time over the past ten days has been securing a new life for Bea and I in England. Things with my husband have made no real improvement. If I am truly honest with myself, I think he has found someone else. I use to be all lovely and sparkly....then once my special Bea came along...I had baby sick in my hair....I was shattered from breastfeeding all night....and I was just not sexy. The most ironic thing of all - is that our relationship - or how we met is just about to be published in a romantic article - I cannot bring myself to tell them my husband has locked the baby and I out of our home and generally been very unpleasant....so there we go. It took years to build a relationship and a few words to let it all fall down. However, the upside is that I am more settled in to the place we are living. Bea is doing great...and the PhD slowly ticking over. I think its time to up the pace now....but I shall keep you all posted. Coming over to England to find a place for Bea and I to live - and a little part of me is excited about the prospect of new beginnings. I made a terrible housewife...(it was just to boring)...but hopefully I will make an excellent mother and academic. Thank you for all your kind words...they really help - in fact I can not express how much they help. It is so generous of people to find the time to care. Thank you, Heidi

Heidi, try to focus on the positives at this time as the negatives will weigh you down and distract you from your PhD. I know it's easy for me to say...

Delighted to read about the two offers - that's fantastic. Keep going!!!

You are so right.....positive positive positive thinking! I will do my best!

Well done Heidi, sounds like you are being very productive with your PhD. You sound like you have a plan to move forward with your daughter and this is good to have a focus point. After all that has happened, I think it is your husband who should fit in with you if he chooses and you accept. Meanwhile your life cannot be put on hold so look to the future. Bath is a lovely place :-x

======= Date Modified 19 Apr 2012 10:51:56 =======
Heidi,

Glad to hear things are working out for you.

From your PM (you put me 90% of the way there), I've worked out exactly who he is. Nope, the family won't want bad publicity, which puts you in a strong barganing position come the divorce. Families like that (though not all families from that sort of background are like that) can and do treat people like disposable commodities - a very 18th / 19th Century 'elitist' attitude if you like. You really are best out of it and they aren't worth the position they perceive themselves to be.

In all sincerity, the very best of luck (and hugs) to you and your daughter. The sooner you leave and are out of your husband's family's sphere of influence, the better.


Ian (Mackem_Beefy)

P.S. Sorry I've been quiet, work and a close relative's health have taken up my time.