Please someone say something..anything to help me
You are so right ....life is more than money and objects....its about people and happiness. I intend to teach Bea how to be happy. That is my number one parenting job. All else will fall into place if she is happy. And I will give her an enormous squeeze - hippo sized. Thank you.
Dear Heidi Although I am not experiencing
anything as close to what you are going through, but as an human being just like
you, I can only imagine what you are going through but the only
encouragement I can give you, is to try all that you possible can and finish
your PhD. You might say that there is life without a PhD and I do agree with you
but you set out to achieve this goal and its still within your reach. There is a
saying that to every goal achieved it must cost you. The best motivating factor
you can use to motivate yourself is your present situation. I would pray for
you and I do hope things work out for the better for you. I look forward to
reading your success story.
Heidi,
I've been following your posts and just wanted to add to the encouragement already offered by the other posters. It is terrific news about the job offers and I hope that you and Bea will have a very happy future in your new city, whichever job choose to take. It must be scary to be branching out on your own but it is also exciting to be making a new start on your own terms.
I've two little girls of my own and wanted to say that you are setting an amazing example to your little one. In spite of what sound to be horrendous circumstances, you show amazing strength of character in working to complete the PhD, secure a post-doc and create a future for you and your daughter. You even manage to come across as having compassion for her father, which I am not so sure I would be able to do in such circumstances. Your daughter is immensely lucky to have you as her mummy and I'm sure she will grow up in an extremely loving household :-)
Good luck with the rest of the write up (up)
Thank you for all your beautiful and caring posts. Surprisingly (as I write this to the world!) I am quite a private person. I have literally only told two friends what has happened. Even when I look down at my hands tapping on the keys - and see my wedding and engagement ring missing (my husband has them) - I feel something is missing. I am missing him. I can't help it - he was my best friend. Its lonely being on an island and out in the countryside. I've never even had a bank account in my name.....it sounds crazy now I write that - it was my husband that dealt with all our finances - I had an extension of his account. So today I finally set up my own bank account. Surprisingly, the bank manager came to my bedsit!!! sat on my sofa and set one up for me!! hilarious. I remember the days when I couldn't get a tiny increase in my overdraft - now the bank manager sits on my sofa. This way I can start to be financially independent. I am beginning to learn that money is very powerful in decision making. I wish it wasn't but it appears to be. I have to stay to on the island until a settlement is reached....but we have a rough limit for the end of June. Not long now. I really surprised myself with Bath and Birmingham. It felt really good to know that I wasn't rubbish at everything. I have chosen Bath. It looks so pretty and I suspect the University shall be enjoyable. I thought Birmingham would have been such a big change for Bea and I. It was the better job - but its not all about me now - I hope for Bea to have trees and grass and lambs and butterflies all around her growing up. Its close to the southwest which will be nice....beaches and surf. Started looking at places to rent and buy - I am hoping to find a pretty cottage. I am now focusing on the PhD - as I have a job now. I often wonder what is the point of the whole thing. Lets face it - who is going to read it! But its important to finish it. Its almost a part of me now. I use to be scared about writing - in case it was not perfect - now I am free from that - and it is liberating! I hope everyone is well, safe and happy, with love Heidi and Bea
Are you in a position to move to Bath now, rent somewhere and complete your write-up there?
This would at least distance you from your husband and his family, giving you some much needed space to finish off.
Ian (Mackem_Beefy)
Sadly not, I need to stay here until the middle of June. I have a nanny who looks after Bea at home, whilst I write up - and she is great. So I wanted to keep the continuity of her care with Bea. Plus, in terms of the settlement I guess I need to be here to sit in a room and work out things in an amicable way. I plan to rent somewhere for a few months - but I have found somewhere I would like to buy - the owners are not ready to move until September so I would still need to rent until then. The job at University starts in September. So much change. I also need to find a nanny in Bath for Bea. I was hoping to not put her into nursery until she was potty trained aged 2. By then I suspect she will be more than ready for nursery - so I have lined up two to go and see - they usually have waiting lists - thus, best to get things ready in advance. Thats the plan - I hope, as you suggest, once I have moved things will feel a little easier on the old heart strings.
Okay so this is now coming down to extreme PhD writing....for the next five weeks, every day I need to be producing around 1,000 words to complete the write up. The 11th of June is the deadline. It is possible - but no doubt will take me to the edge of sanity along the way! Only six weeks until I move off the island. Everything is happening very quickly now. Once Bea and I get to Bath and are settled we can have time to rest. So if anyone out there is struggling with their PhD - due to tight deadlines or just general stress.....at this point I understand... However, when you are up against the odds, its just worth putting it all into perspective. ........world famine, poverty, HIV/AIDs epidemic, child labour, civil war.....and so forth. Yes, things here are perhaps not so bad after all.
Heidi - if you are going to Bath then check out the Norland Nanny college for a nanny there. We had norlander students when I lived there and they were fab. They are definitely a better standard to the one we have now! Obviously, you could always see if your current nanny will move with you and Bea.
Well done for being so committed to your write-up. It is a challenge with huge stress levels but at least you do have Bea as a beautiful distraction. My babies gave me the incentive to continue dispite it being a huge commitment with limited time. I got there against the odds and thoughts of others and you will too. I found lists invaluable to keep me on track and maintaining my work space in order so that I could just pick it up when I had the time available. Keep regular contact with your supervisory team via skype link if necessary as this helps to maintain focus. Keep going, you are doing a fabulous job :-)
Even though the pressure is on, I sense a lot of energy and excitement in your posts. Achieving a major goal in spite of challenging circumstances is very empowering. Sometimes having "a lot on your plate" can compel you to really focus beyond your own expectations. I know this sounds terrible, but several friends told me, "You'll never finish!" and I must confess, I really enjoyed proving them wrong! Not in a smug way, but in the sense that I discovered I am a much stronger person than I had imagined.
Since you're away from the campus, I echo the advice to stay in touch with your sup frequently via skypelink, and other means. Frequent updates will help give you a sense of accountability, and stay on track. It will also help your sup, of course, to know where you are in the process.
During the times when I felt tortured by the whole undertaking, like you, I reminded myself to "keep things in perspective." It's a humbling thought, but in spite of our U.N. resolutions, there are still too many people trapped in poverty who never even get the opportunity to receive basic education in a proper primary school. We're very privileged to get this far.
Thank you for those posts....Firstly I will certainly look up your nanny advice! Sadly my nanny cannot come to England with Bea and I. But that's okay - I was thinking of finding a multi-lingual nanny for her if possible. I think she is at the perfect age to take in all different sounds. What you have both said about being up against the odds - working in challenging situations - and looking forward - what this means in terms of Bea and I - makes perfect sense. It is not possible for me to run things by my director of studies as he is away on compassionate leave. So I am running solo! Goodness only knows the mischief I might get up to on my own! I read this website - called the 'thesis whisperer' - I highly recommend it for anyone out there who struggles with perfectionism and/or a fear of writing. Sounds crazy, but I had a fear of writing for a long time. I became really anxious about each and every word, to the point where I did not write anything down at all because that way I could not get it wrong! So a trait (perfectionism) had gone from being a good quality, to a quality that had a seriously negative affect on my life. Now I have hardly any time - I have had to completely let go of the fear - and just write! In some ways its actually quite liberating - for a long time I was suffocating in my inability to express myself on paper due to a fear of getting a word or a theme wrong - and now I can say exactly what I wish and how I wish. You are both right, I am more up-beat in a way. Basically, I had a sudden moment of clarity. I decided to take Bea down to the sea in her pushchair. I strapped her in as usual and walked to the farm entrance. There is a double blind bend and no pavement. I decided to cross with Bea in the pram - then out of nowhere a high speed car came tearing down the road, I slipped and the pram went over on its side. All I could see was the car speeding towards Bea and I in slow motion. Amazingly it stopped within feet of us. Bea was fine - those straps worked miracles. I was extremely shaken. I cried. The car drove off. In that moment I realised that all that had happened and all that my husband had done, was in fact done. There was no turning back. I turned from grieving for him to being cross at him. I turned towards mine and Bea's future. It turned out that my husband had met someone else at work - so there we have it. I've been so soft up until now. But luckily I have a good lawyer and I can leave it to him. At the moment my husband is refusing to let Bea and I leave the island - amazingly, after all he has done - in law he has the right to keep us here (technically). In reality, I am very likely to win the case to let me leave with Bea. This is not about having access to Bea - this is about pride and money. Its sad really. So here I am - it feels like a long time since I first met him on the train on christmas eve in the snow. Do I regret it? I regret Bea not having her family together - of course - but I cannot say I regret it - because I wouldn't have my precious Bea. She is so beautiful. She shines brighter than the sun.
======= Date Modified 01 May 2012 23:10:45 =======
======= Date Modified 01 May 2012 23:10:11 =======
Worse day ever....feeling like a complete failure.....cannot stop crying......really lonely and afraid......my heart aches so much......didn't think it was possible for me to love Bea as much as I do. The enormity of the work left to do is hitting me....I am so tired....frightened....sad.....crying....rubbish.
