Sorry to hear your story, this is sad in any situation not just when doing a PhD. You have got lot of good advice, so I'm not going to pour over that. Just to let you know that come to the forum when you need to vent and update us with your progress, even little things.

Write a small list of things to do e.g. like read Jones paper and make one page note, enter 10 references etc

Only thing I would say for NOW is to get into exercise or make the effort to wonder away from home as your first step. Although, I haven't suffered from anything serious, getting cooped up in the house sometimes for a week makes me really 'rubbish'. when I go out for at least an hour it gives positive energy.8-)

(:$ Phd girl was not phrasing what she wanted to say in the most appropriate way. It could be well meant but the 'tough love' approach needed to be more about 'love'. Anyway she has written what she thought and freedom of thought)

PhD girl, I'm afraid you clearly have no idea what you're talking about regarding how people respond when somebody they love, and around whom their entire life revolves, hurts or leaves them. Yes, some people can get back on their feet and work through it but - as someone who's been there - I can tell you it is like the entire bottom has fallen out of your world. It's not just about getting back on your feet, it's about wondering what and where your feet even are. Several years on, and to be remarried next year, I am still in some ways affected by my ex-husband's adultery and treatment of me, which can affect my work and my relationships with everyone around me including my fiancé. It has even changed who I feel I am and who other people think I am. And I was someone who was able to get out of bed, went back to university and finished my degree. I pray you never have to know what it means to go through this, but until you have felt that kind of love and had it taken away I think you should keep your misguided opinions to yourself.

This is me Phd_girl. Some thing happened and I lost my password and don't even remember which email it was registered on.

Anyways. This response is ESPECIALLY for Megara.

You obviously have your own understanding of what love is or could be. But at the same time, so do I. And how we handle love will definitely differ. But it doesn't mean that either one of us is absolutely right or more correct than the other in their approach to dealing with love. Which is something you are implying.

If you allow yourself to be completely subsumed under emotional failings, adultery and love related issues. That's you. This doesn't mean that the kind of love you have experience is higher or better than the one I have. The way I see it is that the kind of love you have allowed yourself is unhealthy.

I have been in love. REALLY in love. And I HAVE BEEN CHEATED ON and emotionally abused. But let me tell you that I love myself much more than to drown myself in worthless sorrows, especially for this long.

Finally, this is my opinion and this is how I see it. You are misguided for thinking you could tell me my opinions are misguided and should be kept to myself. I will continue to have and share my opinion even if you don't like the sound of it. That's something you need to sort with yourself.

Have a good day.

Well PhD-girl/posh-brunette,

I think you are perfectly entitled to your opinions about love and losing love and how to deal with it, of course you are. We all deal with things differently. But what I don't think is acceptable is to be so rude and unkind to another person who is clearly distressed and needs understanding, something which you clearly lack. Imagine how you would feel if you were severely depressed (yes, it's clear you have no idea what that's like, but just try) and you received a message similar to the one you posted before. That could be devastating to someone in that position. You are entitled to your opinion, but if it is based on ignorance and is clearly going to cause a huge amount of upset and distress to another person, then I would keep it to yourself. I only hope that the original poster realises that most of us, even those without experience of clinical depression, are here to offer support and understanding, not to judge with such a lack of respect for the person's feelings. Unless you have experienced severe clinical depression, you cannot understand what it is like- there are no words for it. All the best to Mlis, I only hope that you are beginning to feel better. All the best, KB.

Okay, Posh Brunette, I was very angry when I wrote that and I concede that your view of love is valid - KB is right that we do all view things differently. I would say that you should listen to your own words though as you are clearly not accepting that Mlis may be valid in her view of things, however much the problem there is now severe clinical depression. I have to say though, however horrendous (when it's snatched away) it is to feel emotional responses to love at the level that I believe most people do, there is no way I would ever exchange that for your outlook which has just proved its selfishness and bitterness in the cruel way you responded to Mlis's situation. I am fully in support of free speech but, as in the Jan Moir situation recently, I think there are times when kindness and empathy should mean that people keep certain opinions to themselves. This is a cry for help which you have thrown back in Mlis's face.

I am tired of this concerted diatribe.

Yes, I am selfish and horrible and mean :) Oh, and I don't know how to 'love' the way you do :) Please teach me!

One thing I know is that I am a tough cookie and your comments do not bother me at all... Other than being an utter waste of my time.

I am out of this.

Good good, off you go then. I have a huge amount of experience with people who have survived the most severe of mental illnesses and gone on to be very successful, and these are some of the toughest cookies imaginable. These are the people who I have a huge amount of respect for. I have also witnessed many forms of ignorance along the way, and these are the people who I have no time for. There is no excuse for this sort of ignorance. This thread should be about supporting someone who clearly needs understanding and kindness, as most of us will do at some point in our lives. Let's stick to that, and quit the pointless debate when it is clearly over anyway. I hope you never have the misfortune to experience clinical depression, but I hope that if you do you will be offered support from people around you who treat you with kindness and respect. Best wishes all, KB.

How are you now Mlis? I found that concentrating on little parts of my work at a time helped me alot, because if I looked at the whole picture I would feel overwhelmed. Thats the only piece of advice I can give really, because everyone else has said it all. I hope you're feeling alot better since you posted this thread, everything will work out in the end :-)