Hello Mlis. I felt very moved by your post yesterday, and compelled to write my own first post in direct reply to you (I've been a long-time browser of the forum, and it's helped me many times). Firstly, many congratulations on passing your viva earlier this year. This is a really great achievement in itself and it seems clear from what you've said about them that your parents are proud of you and thrilled for you - you haven't in any way let them down! Secondly, thanks for sharing your situation. Of the issues you are dealing with, I would say that your health and the short term financial one are the most important right now. The first thing that came to my mind was whether or not it might be possible for you and your dog to move back in with your parents for a short while. I think you are not in a position to think clearly right now about the job search because you are possibly not eating properly (?) and therefore of low energy but also because you are worrying 24/7 about your current finances. I have been in this situation myself. From what you have described of your parents, they would be pleased to have you home. Relieving yourself of the burden of worrying about paying commercial rent, paying the electric/gas on your own etc. in the short term would free your mind up as well as allowing you to keep physically healthy, which is vital for mental strength.

I think your feelings with regards to other issues - e.g. friends' disposable income and what its giving them - are entirely understandable but not helping you at all. Rather I think you are punishing yourself with such comparisons - and you deserve better than that. Stuff is just stuff - new stuff soon gets old, and birthdays and hen nights are often overrated! Right now you are in a state of transition - you haven't let your parents down by not YET repaying them financially for the university help they gave you. When you're employed again you will do it and I bet they're not even expecting or hoping that you do so. When you're employed again you will also get stuff and go out to restaurants and cafes and clubs and such like. In the meantime, I would say concentrate on making 'the unemployed now' a better 'unemployed now' for yourself.

Regarding volunteering and the job centre, I'm not sure you've been given entirely the correct info - at least according to their website http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/HomeAndCommunity/Gettinginvolvedinyourcommunity/Volunteering/DG_064299 . One of my major rules is to seek information on the same point from at least 2-3 different sources (web, phone, email, in person, phone again, different person) within the job centre (and also with banks) as it can differ quite markedly depending on the source!

Anyway I wanted to wish you the very best of luck. Please let us know how you continue to get on and also that you are in no way alone. Having been on the breadline myself I know what it can do to a person. Hang in there and take care of yourself. It can and will get better x

Thanks for your helpful reply Huggyjumper, it means a lot that you took the time to respond to me at such length.

I can't move back in with my parents - they're pensioners living in a rented 1-bed cottage, so they don't have a bedroom for me, and moving back in would affect all sorts of things like their access to community care services (I supplement this by regularly doing chores that are beyond the scope of what the carers are prepared to do, but I really couldn't handle everything if the carers just stopped coming altogether).

I know I'm punishing myself by worrying about how well my peers are doing - I just feel like I've suddenly been excluded from my social group because I no longer have equivalent money and career to everyone else. Plus as time ticks by and the response to my job applications is constantly negative, I'm losing hope for ever getting a decent job in the future, especially considering how few suitable jobs are even advertised. Also I'm getting into my thirties and I want to get on with my personal life, but I'm not even in a position to date at present, and who knows when I will be :(

Thanks for the advice about volunteering though; I'll look into it and see if there's anything available that would pay my travel costs and fill in a few hours.

Hi again. Ok so the next step I would suggest then (if you have not already done so) is to check that you are claiming every single benefit you are entitled to above job seekers, including council tax benefit, housing benefit, and maybe carers' allowance since you are a part-time carer. You can do this by inputting your info into the benefits adviser part of Directgov here: https://www.dwpe-services.direct.gov.uk/portal/page/portal/ba/lp . And then obviously you can apply immediately online if it comes up with something you don't already claim for.

If you have a spare room then I strongly suggest getting a flatmate via gumtree, spareroom, village shop ad. etc. And personally I would get the landlord on board with it (pretend flatmate is your very close friend/ partner if you're not sure how to get round them!) rather than sublet as I've seen this go wrong for some people. But that's just my preference.

If that's not an option, can you get your name on the list for any council/ social housing in your village? Alternatively, can you and dog lodge locally? Again a village ad might help you. Here's a small suggestion re: shopping - if it costs more than £5 to get the bus to and back from the supermarket, do yours and your folks' shopping online and get it all delivered together for the £5.

Everyone else has given excellent advice here but I would like to re-highlight what Timefortea said about making sure your friends know that you need them and getting them to come over to you. So when you're asked into town for a coffee, you can say 'ah no sorry I just don't have the spare cash right now but if you wanna come over here I'd love to see you and catch up over a home brewed one' style of thing. Please don't feel you can't face your parents - you can because they do not think you are a failure, nobody except you is thinking that and you're only thinking that due to this current blip you're going through.

Its only six months since you passed your viva, which is not a lot of time at all in terms of job searching in this climate, so I think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself and winding yourself up massively to your own detriment. I think if you can find ways of loosening a little bit of the immediate overbearing financial pressure you clearly feel upon you at present, the job search can become a much more focussed, routine and productive affair for you. Also, I'm a single lady at 35 and can confirm that life is still pretty good! x

Hello

Am really touched by your posts and situation, and wondering how you're going since your last post? I'd like to check that you're ok. Can you update us at all? (only if you want to though).

Hope to hear from you soon :)

I found these two websites that might be of help to overcome negative thinking:

www.moodgym.anu.edu.au

www.livinglifetothefull.com

======= Date Modified 02 Sep 2011 14:50:19 =======
Thanks Corrine!
The websites are very useful for me. (up)

Mlis,

I found myself in a position to you. After the end of my second post-doc period at a different Uni. to my PhD (which had not gone well), I was unemployed for almost a year. I too had elderly parents, one reason I could not really move away (I'm in NE England and the places where my skills could be saleable are all elsewhere). They also thought I'd get sorted out quickly but that didn't happen.

Whilst I did get interviews, landing the job was a big problem. I was told more than once that was overqualified for the position. Ten months after leaving my second post-doc, I finally landed my current job. It was local, which was just as well as my parents both took ill within a short time of each other.

After one knockback, I changed approach. I decided to proceed with two versions of my CV, one with my PhD and one without. I passed off my PhD period as being a Research Assistant. The CV without the PhD got more interviews and was the one that finally landed my job.

I know potential employers can Google and any PhD work easily shows up, especially with the launch of open repositories by most Universities. However, it's also fair comment that a good many don't have time to do this and the absence of the PhD on the CV at least removes some impression of being overqualified. It's wrong we have to do this, but it it works getting a job is more important.

Given your situation, watering down your CV where you can may the way to play things. I know if this approach succeeds, you probably won't have an ideal job but you will at least be on the first step to being able to move on with your life (i.e. more money for starters).

My heart goes out to you, as I know exactly how you feel.

Ian (Mackem_Beefy)