======= Date Modified 11 Dec 2009 10:08:25 =======
Hi Cobweb

Like Eska, I've also been hesitant to respond, as this is such a personal issue, and us giving advice, without knowing you, makes it really tricky. You're essentially getting advice from strangers about your relationship and life, which could be quite dangerous really. Except that you know we're all smart and have good intentions ;-)

The thing that strikes me most about your relationship is the inequality - not so much financially, as lots of us depend on people to various extents to get us thru, but the fact that he doesn't give you emotional support. Yes, he cheated on you - but it was 4 years ago. He viewed porn - over a year ago. These are mistakes, actions that can shatter trust, but a relationship can be rebuilt after these sorts of things. If you think he can be honest with you now, then you might still have a relationship. But it seems like you don't think that's possible...

Someone who doesn't reciprocate emotional support would really get to me, that would drive me away. I'm in a really, really long-term relationship, and we've both made big mistakes and worked thru it, but I doubt we'd still be together if we didn't share, and listen, and support each other every day.

I think Megara's right, you need to have a think about life without him - would it be better? Think about where you'd like to be a year from now - are you able to see yourself in a new life, living in a different place, with different people, with a job? Happily studying? Yes, it would be hard, no doubt about that. If you're only at the start of your research, then I don't think you should just resign yourself to being in this situation for years and years to come.

And like others have said, talk to him about this. Good luck.

Hi Cobweb,

Like some of the others I'm also reluctant to give advice on such a personal issue but I have been in a situation where I was financially dependent on a partner in a less than perfect relationship. Its a horrible feeling and does nothing for your self-esteem and feelings of security within a relationship.

You said you want and need to move out and I think if you've come to this conclusion and have already talked everything through with your partner then this is probably your only option. Would it be possible to stay with him for a little while though so you can sort yourself out financially? Could you speak to your supervisors about taking a year out to get money together to support you for the rest of your PhD? I dont know the nature of your work so I'm not sure if this would be feasible....or what about university hardship funds? Although the application process can be lengthy it may help you get on your feet initially or some of the foundation grants offered by charities (i think there was a thread on this at some point)??

From what you have written about your partner it sounds like he has slowly chipped away at your self-esteem and trust in him which has probably been unintentional but hugely unfair all the same. The fact that you rely on him financially will only exaggerate these feelings and I think once you address this you could feel differently about the relationship. For now though I think I would sit-tight and try and find a way to move out in the next few months and hopefully be able to continue your studies too.

======= Date Modified 12 Dec 2009 23:48:16 =======
(sprout)

======= Date Modified 12 Dec 2009 23:47:48 =======
(sprout)

Ah Cobweb, nothing I can say to this I'm afraid, just (((hugs))).