Hi Flack,

I'm sorry to hear what's been going on with you. I can't say that the same has happened to me, quite the opposite, my family really values education so they're quite proud of it, but I totally agree with Mackem_Beefy. It doesn't sound like your efforts are appreciated, or even welcome to be honest, so I ask myself why bother? At the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself and if they're giving you grief, then maybe it's not worth it.

I imagine this would be hard because they're 'the only family you got' but maybe if you asked yourself 'if they were my friends, would I keep them as friends?' I know I wouldn't, but I also know that it's different when it's family so it's your call.

I've had to start distancing myself from some of my close family for similar issues - e.g. me doing all the work and feeling they couldn't be bothered - and I find it quite hard but like you, I'm lucky that I have lots of other people I can count on so it makes it easier, especially because I've decided that this is best for me.

Like I said, it's up to you what you do, but I know someone here (can't remember who) suggested counselling and maybe this might help you...

I hope you feel better soon and congrats on getting your PhD!!

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Hi again Skig,

I agree with Flack that counselling could be very helpful to you. I meant to say so in my first post, but forgot. A good counsellor made all the difference to me; coming too terms with my family became almost part of my PhD development - it was something I worked on for quite some time alongside my research.

I would recomend trying the university counselling services. Partly because you're moving soon, but also because NHS counselling is usually very short. Where I live it happens in 6 week blocks, and that's nowhere near enough time to get started on an issue in any depth. It is difficult to get those sessions extended with the NHS. In my experience, university counselling will last as long as you need it to, or for as long as you are a student.

Best of luck x

Hi, as the saying goes you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. I love my mother but I have experienced emotional abuse from an early age from her and i totally understand how you feel. Now for me i had to live in the same house with her until very recently. My strategy was avoidance. not physical avoidance but emotional avoidance. I kept the relationship very neutral/shallow and did not open myself emotionally by telling her too much as she would manipulate that and possibly hurt me. Now this has been very hard because she is my mother and its only natural that i crave her attention and approval. But it has been necessary for my sanity. So i suggest you do the same. Keep up formal appearances i.e christmas card etc etc. to show that you are not the same as them and a keep a channel of communication open in case later things improve. but no more than that to protect yourself from that hurt and rejection. i wouldn't burn any bridges though. They are the only family you got so i know you crave some kind of love but for now it seems you will need to get that from your friends.

Good luck!

I don't know if it is the anonymity of the forum or the fact that, ultimately, we are all in the same (PhD) boat, but it is evident that people (myself included)feel free to express feelings and concerns that wouldn't normally tell to their family and friends. I personally found this forum a great help. Even just reading other people's stories and how they manage to cope with similar problems is a huge support.

I was very touched by Flack's story, and I also feel close to Neemo. As I am not in my 20s anymore I got to the stage where I "learnt" to accept the fact that although you are part of a family, you can be very different from the other components. I used to be very emotional about this, and I would be a liar if I said that it doesn't hurt anymore, but I as I said, I learnt to put a "safety" net between myself and anyone who is overtly negative.

I agree with Neemo that trying to change these people's attitude is pointless. It is much "healthier" for you to live your life without constantly going through the cycle of request of love/ attention= rejection. You need to surround yourself with positive, supportive friends. I think that life usually finds a way to balance things in a way or another, without locking yourself in a dark room.

It may well be that they will start chasing you after you stopped running behind them!


 

It is really sad and upsetting to read all of this but, like others, it helps to know that many other people have similar issues with family members or past difficulties with support.

I personally think that your aunt and uncle sound pretty awful to be honest and are unable to hold any strong and positive connection with you so the sooner you cease to want this, the better you will feel. They don't sound as if they will ever give you appropriate love and support but that really is because they can't or won't do it-not because of you-it is down to their own narrow mindedness and lack of empathy.

Congratulations on your PhD and moving to Edinburgh-how exciting. I hope the move goes well and you have a great time, as well as the usual gruelling one-but sometimes that aspect of life-the challenge part can be exciting as well as tough-like running a long distance race.
Take care Flack, you deserve better than that-go out and get some 'better' for yourself and don't look back.

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Thanks for all the replies everyone, I've got a bit of an update: I've been here almost a month now and my family haven't attempted to contact me once since I moved. I have a horrible feeling my sister really has poisoned them against me (long story- earlier this year I cut her off after she did something unforgiveable involving a forged signature and me getting threatened with bailiffs, and even before that she had treated me badly for her entire life), and in any case my aunt never answered the text where I asked what the problem was so I'll probably never know.

I was also getting annoyed seeing my family's photos popping up on Facebook all the time, and seeing how much more they were in contact with my sister, especially when they were congratulating her for getting a new job in a cafe... she's got a stop-gap job and they're proud of her, while they don't care about me achieving one of my ambitions and getting what is pretty much my dream job! It wasn't doing me much good so I blocked the lot of them.

I haven't given any of them my new address (I can't give it to my sister as she just used my old address to commit fraud and I can't trust her not to do it again) and I'm thinking of changing my number. Mackem Beefy- thanks for your "hard line" post, and there's no need to apologise- I actually find it refreshing not to hear the same old "but surely they must love you deep down?" lines from friends urging me to avoid cutting them off. I think I'll give them until christmas and if I hear nothing by then I'll change my number- then again maybe I should do it now and avoid any further heartache!

I've been having counselling here and it was good to just hear someone agree that my family aren't good for me and cutting them off may be better than letting them go on upsetting me. I've realised that I'm not asking them for much- I'm not even asking for *love* here, all I want is a bit of respect but they're not even prepared to give me that.

At the same time I haven't been lonely- I've been lucky to already have friends in my new city and I'm meeting lots of new people. My friends back in London have kept in touch and are making plans to visit. I'll just make sure I appreciate them and continue spending time with the people who do love and respect me, rather than those who would prefer to hold me back.

Hi Flack

Sounds like things are moving forward for you. Well done! I'm glad to hear you're accessing some counselling as well and I hope that it's helping you.

I feel like quoting something that I try to keep in mind in situations involving my family so it may help others too. It's the serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr: 'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.'

There are some things that we just can't change and accepting these is the first step to moving on.

Good luck with everything (up)

Thanks Skig- I'm not remotely religious but I've always found that prayer to be good advice. It's taken me a long time to accept that my family will never change and there is nothing I can do to earn their respect as they are determined not to respect me.

Ian- it's a long and boring story, but my sister forged my signature on the guarantor form for her flat, then fell behind with the rent payments- I found out when I got a call threatening me with legal action! I protested that I'd never heard of the estate agents in question and I must have seemed very shocked as the lady on the phone asked "actually can I just check- did you agree to be her guarantor again?This *is* your signature isn't it?" I was very lucky they did ask... and the "again" just told me she'd done it at least twice! My sister then called me and begged me to sign the form or she'd be evicted but I just told her she could sort the mess out herself. She sorted it somehow but as my family are always telling me I need to "look after" my poor little 28-year-old sister she could easily have poisoned them against me over this- and she's already tried it once before.

I've already blocked them all on Facebook (which can't have helped their opinion of me either) and I'm looking into phone upgrades- I'm due one and I may as well change providers and get a new number while I'm at it. I won't be initiating contact, I've tried and now I've given up and the ball's in their court. They only seem to get in touch when they want something so I'll see if they can be bothered when they don't.

Starting this new chapter- turning 30, starting a PhD and moving to a new city- has really helped and I'm sure things will continue to improve. Just a few minutes ago I had a lovely text from one of my more supportive friends and I keep being reminded of who my real friends are. Thanks everyone, you've been really supportive here and I hope this thread has been of some use to others in the same boat. People in my lab think it's weird that I won't be seeing my family at christmas and I know it's always good to talk to people who understand that not everyone is lucky enough to have their family's support.

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