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I have also just discovered that the last part of my research is not efficient to be implemented practically. It may work in simulation but, it may not be computationally efficient for real time implementation. Besides I don’t have enough sensors for the experimental setup, I don’t have any knowledge/ experience about the sensor and I don’t even know where to buy it. I feel that all my efforts for the last 2 months are useless. I may attempt to solve these problems but it will take much more time, but I don’t have much time. I should discuss this with my supervisor, but I am reluctant to see him because I usually feel more depressed after our meetings.
I am also worried about my second journal as I should be getting the reply soon. I feel that the work is insignificant, not much contribution to knowledge and I had written it really badly. I have put a lot of time and effort into it, but why is the output almost zero? But, I am still hoping that the paper will be accepted no matter how I feel right now.
Before starting my PhD, I had signed a contract to serve a university in my home country after finishing the PhD. But, I can’t imagine myself doing any more research or anything related to academia after this. I can’t stand that this torture will continue even after the viva/ final examination. I don’t see the end of this. Breaching the contract would cost a lot of money that I would have to work for 10 years or more to pay for it all.
I have tried to share the problem with family / friends, but not everyone could understand what I am going through. I feel more hurt after talking to them. I have tried to meet the counsellor in the university, but as far as I know there is no a real trained/ professional counsellors in this university. There are only lecturers that are assigned as student guidance who we can meet if we have problems. I once met a ‘counsellor’ and he said I don’t have any problem. The cost of the counsellors outside is very expensive, besides there is also language barrier that both the counsellor and I are lack of vocabularies, and I also have to save money for those months that I won’t be getting scholarship anymore. I have tried emailing the Samaritans but it only works in the beginning. I have taken a long break, have just returned from a conference in a nice island and visited my family (the conference venue was close to my country), but I still feel lazy. I may join some friends to hang out/ spend some time together, but I don’t feel like doing so. I feel so isolated, but I am the one who is isolating myself. I just can’t stand to be with anyone at the moment. I also eat and shop a lot to reduce the anxiety, but I gain more weight and lost a lot of money, and I feel more stressed.
Sometimes I feel like I am exaggerating small problems. There are other people who are in worse situation but do not complain much.
Do you guys think I am being unrealistic trying to catch the February 2012 deadline?
I am so stressed that I can't think of anything anymore.
From what I know, the most important thing in PhD is just keep going, but I just don’t have the strength to do so anymore. I feel like jumping in front of a moving _ _ _ _ _.
