Thanks everyone. You're all so wonderful. I am feeling much better now thanks to all the advice and the support. Thanks everyone for your help today. I am so grateful.

I will make a fresh start tommorow morning, and do the thesis mind map, and breakdown exactly what i have been doing and what i need to do.

Thanks Bakuvia, HazyJane and Cakegirl

everything you wrote, made alot of sense, thank you so much.

I will do just that. make a plan, explain what i have done over these past few weeks, and what I intend to do. and then CC the graduate tutor in the email, so they are kept up to date aswell with my progress.

And be confident and positive that I can do it, even when he keeps saying that I can't and I don't know how to defend my thesis in a viva.

You're so right Bilbo, thanks you just saved me! I was drafting an email, to explain again what i have been doing. but you're right no need to do that. okay thanks. that's just saved me alot of headache and time. i will delete the draft.

okay, i will make a time line, and include time for redrafting.

i will tell him again, that i am planning on having a 1st draft of my thesis completed by july 1st.

and then spend time on corrections and redrafting during July. and then final corrections in august.

my aim is to have a zero draft of all my chapters by friday.
and then work on them to pull them up to 1st draft, in the next few weeks.

thanks Bilbo. im glad i checked the forum before i spent anymore time, writing an email, or worse sending it!

oh okay cool. yah i am working towards a first draft, where most of its fine. but interspersed with questions and suggestions of expanding on certain bits.
thanks.

and i know i must sound like such an unstable loon, up and down. wanting to quit, and nearly quitting, to trying to work through it.

but that's how i feel up and down..

thanks everyone for your words of wisdom and comfort, you're all been a great help.

i should take a time out. and just clear my head for a few hours.

i think i am starting to lose it abit.

so both of your supervisors offer to read draft versions of your chapters? and not perfectly polished final versions of the chapters? that's good.

i am going to ask my supervisor if he will do that. in the past he told me he will only read perfect polished chapters, and to only give him perfect polished versions of the chapter. and he doesnt want to see drafts.

maybe i can ask him, if he will look at my first draft version, now that i have a deadline. because better to see a draft, at an early stage, incase i am on the wrong track, then spending time on the wrong thing and making it perfect.

Jojo, well done! that is excellent. yah you can always keep fiddling around, better to just stop and send. so proud of you for meeting your deadline. you've done so well.

Bilbo, well done you! that's really great.

and this situation has made my decision so much easier, that i will never work for them again. and that i am leaving the science academic world.

i know some people would be like, what's her problem her supervisor has a right to say xyz. but i cannot tell you the ins and outs of lab politics, and what i have been through these past 8 years.. i'm not sharing this, so that i get sympathy. but just because i need to just let it out.

i take responsibility for not writing my thesis, and that is my fault. but now i will do something about it. and try my best. and see what happens. i just want to be given the opportunity to submit thats all. if the examiners deem me as unfit to pass, then thats fine and i will accept that.

so i will just reply, and give him my detailed thesis plan. and my time line plan, and my own deadlines.
and give him a breakdown, of what i have done and what i need to do.

is that good enough?

or do i really need to say

"when you wrote, what do i have to show for my producitivity, during the time i was given off during my RA job. well, i worked on the first paper.
and then when you had that deadline for my collegues project, i volunteered to help out, so i worked weekends so that you could have all the data for THAT project.

and then last year, i spent working on the second paper.

and yes its my own fault, for not working on my thesis"

do i really need to say that? i would rather not bother. i just can't be bothered. if they have forgotten about all the work i did for them. than i just don't care. it doesn't even matter. all that matters is now, and working on my thesis.

thanks pamplemousse, that makes me feel better, i am not the only one that gets emotional and cries.

i sent off the email to the counsellor. now i just have to wait for the appointment to be arranged. it will be next week, so yah would be good to have the appointment before i meet my supervisor.

thanks for your support.

i am gonna take a break now, and try to clear my head, and then get to work on making that phd map.

i'm not in the mood to defend myself again, telling him exactly what i did last year, what i did this year. do i have to do that? i have kept a writing diary. but do i really need to tell him
on such and such day, i did this and this on the thesis.

i just find that such a headache. i would rather spend time, on the phd map. and doing something about right now. not defending about what i did or did not do, or could have done better. its in the past. whats in the past is in the past. whats the point of going through it.

thanks sleepyhead. i am composing an email to the counseller, and arranging an appointment.

thanks for the kind words regarding my ability. i appreciate it.

yah it's time to admit, that i need to seek professional help.

they only give 30min appointments. i've never been to a counselling session before. but i think it will be good for me. i just hope i dont end up crying, that will be so embarrassing. i wish i wasn't so sensitive.

thanks bilbo for finding that website. i really appreciate it.

thanks bilbo, yah i'm at qmul. and i have to say, they have been so great and supportive. and understanding. waiting patiently for so many years for me to submit my thesis.

oh really? i didn't know that i could do that.

okay thanks. i will arrange it myself. thank you.

i guess i was avoiding asking to see the counselor at the university, because i didnt want the graduate tutor to think i was emotionally unstable and unable to submit my thesis, and have my registration terminated and fail my phd.

but i think its time to admit, that i need help and i need to speak to the counselor.

i just emailed the graduate officer and the graduate tutor, asking them how to arrange a counselling session.

That's a good idea. I've emailed the graduate tutor, asking if i can see the universities counceller. my mom suggested the same thing.

thanks thats a good idea. i guess its better i waste a day, then putting it off any longer.