i feel abit under the weather today though, my throat sort of hurts, (lol not from screaming or anything at the concert) but you know when you're really stressed and then you relax for a day (like when you go on holiday) and then you get sick. i think when you're stress and on high alert and then suddely you relax its like your bodys defences go down and you get abit sick.

feeling very tired today. but just taking it easy, and like Olivia said, will try to make a plan and do something even if its bite size.

Olivia, i love that horse metaphor!! it's brilliant. you're so right. I will do just that! egg timer in hand and work on little tiny chunks. bit by bit. yah thats exactly how i was feeling, very overwelmed by the huge task.

Thanks Olivia, for taking the time and effort for your encouraging and insightful messages!!

Thank you so much Olivia for your message and encouragements! you always know the right things to say, and understand how people are really feeling. i admire your empathy skills

yes, that must be it, that it was a post stress syndrome, we should call it, post stress deadline syndrome PSDS lol

i am glad i went to the concert, it was really fun and it was nice to leave the house.

hang in there though jojo, you really have impressed me by all the hard work you've done, i think you're more than capable of finishing the phd.

oh no Jojo, that is awful. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now
i can totally relate, i too am feeling fed up

so basically your options are:

1. do a mphil
2. spend an additional 2 years to bring it up to their idea of phd level.
3. quit the whole thing and find other supervisors who will support your phd just the way it is

that's really nice advice there PC

"Don't think you have to be mega smart to finish.. you just need determination... loads and loads of determintion and DON'T get dishearteened when you have to re-write for the 5th time... it's normal"

i am gonna copy that verbatim on a post it note, and stick it to my monitor screen! cause right now i am seriously doubting my level of intellect in being able to produce a thesis worth of a phd level.

and that quote you just wrote, is really reassuring

luckily i dont want to stay in academia. so in the grand scheme of things, if i fail my phd, it wont be the end of the world. and i really dont care anymore what my friends or family will think if i fail. they will just have to accept it and leave me alone about it.

my experience has completely turned me off of academia and science. i want a completely different career.

i know every job comes with critisism etc... but with a phd its just different.

pineapple, i feel EXACTLY the same way as you do.. what you said , echos exactly how I feel!

i too feel that nothing i produce is ever good enough for them. and although their critism are probably valid, its the way they say it, just leaves me completely deflated and i just feel like not bothering and packing it all in. maybe i am just not cut out for academic phd life.

i just want this phd over and done with so i can move on..and hopefully find a career that i am happy with.

sorry i cant offer any advice. but i just feel the same way as you do.

i still abit depressed though. logically i understand why i shouldn't and there is no reason to. but i just cant help how i *feel*

i dont feel like leaving the house to go to the concert. but literally am forcing myself to go. cause i paid for the ticket. so i am going to get ready quickly and hope i can make it in time.

maybe tonight when i come back i can make a plan of what needs to be done.

i just feel like, i just cant face doing all that writing and working on my thesis again. i dont know why i am feeling so low about it. mainly i think cause of my supervisors comments on saying it needs to be different to my papers and needs alot more detail and results and discussion. but i was going to do that anyways. but i dont know why i now just feel very overwelmed, and feel like i just cant face doing it.

i'm being totally irrational and illogical and childish i know. i just cant shake of that feeling of *dread*... anyways i am gonna go now and get ready.

*sorry thats meant to be my family friend..

thanks clowning, that is really great advice!!!

a family friend just called me and said the same thing. to approach it methodically and do it chapter by chapter.. instead of trying to do everything at once.

so tommorow i am going to start afresh and work now on completing all the chapters in its final version. and if i get stuck, i will just email one of my supervisors for some advice.

feeling better now

missed the time for the movie. but in a way glad i didnt go, cause my family family really helped to put things into perspective.

i do still feel very overwelmed by the huge task of writing the thesis and i do feel scared that what if there isnt enough time. but will just try to do weekly targets and one on one chapter at a time.

i have a tendency to worry about other chapters whilst working on one chapter. but will try to be more focused on one chapter at a time.

you're right clowning, its not forever, just another 2 months to go of this.

right now, i am simply sick of all of this. its funny yesterday i was actually looking forward to getting back to writing and expanding on my first draft and getting to the nitty gritty and adding alot more detail. but today i just can't be bothered. and i just dont have the motivation anymore.

hopefully will make it to the film, *wanted* and then going to the concert, and hopefully that might clear my head.

i think i'm going through the stage of. can i really be bothered with this thesis anymore. i mean is it really worth it in the end.. i guess i only have 2 and half months of this. if i dont get a thesis that meets his satisfaction, will submit it anyways and see what the examiners say. if they faill me. then that's fine. i wasnt planning on staying in academia anwyays. i need to find a career that is more suited to me.

anyways i am going to leave the house and just get away from it all. i havent left the house in 3 weeks. i want to go watch the film wanted, but running late! hope i can make it. and then going to the alicia keys concert. i hope i enjoy it and are not too distracted by the black cloud that is thesis.

i dont think i will do that again, the whole staying in my study room everyday all day and doing nothing but writing. every day for weeks. i felt very isolated and depressed at times. and really tired for no reason. so now i am just going to have a regular schedule, and at least take half a day off once a week. to actually LEAVE the house and do something i like, like watching a film at the cinema.

i dont know i'm begining to seriously doubt my own ability. doubt whether i can even write a thesis that is at the level of phd. maybe my supervisor is right, and the graduate tutor is right that i just dont have what it takes to write a thesis worthy of a phd.

maybe doing the phd was a complete waste of time.

my uni wants me to submit my thesis by 30th sept. or they will fail me. but they also want me to send in the forms 2 months before i submit my thesis. but my supervisor wont sign the forms, until i get a complete thesis done.

so mathematically that gives me until august to get a final draft done. and get the signs forms.

if my forms are not cleared, thats another issue. it might work to my benefit to have the exam forms delay so i have more time to prepare for the viva.

so this is what i am thinking, produce a final thesis draft by mid august, and send to supervisor. and hopefully he will then sign my forms. as long as i get the forms sent before sept 30th, the examination will just then be *delayed*. but i will submit the thesis before the deadline of 30th sept. regardless if the exam forms are sent in time or not. and regardless whether my supervisor thinks its not good enough. because if i dont submit my thesis by sept 30th, i fail by default.

so isnt it better i submit a thesis, then not submit at all cause its not good enough and then fail because i did not submit a thesis.

writing a thesis really does take a long time.

okay today is still my day off. so tommorow i will make a plan, and try to complete a final draft based on the 1st draft by mid august.

the only reason i had to send a first draft, in a 3 week deadline was in order to convince him to sign my exam forms. but it seems like he isnt satisfied with the first draft.

i contacted the student representative awhile ago and she contacted senate house and they said if the exam forms are delayed then the student does not get penalised, her exam is simply delayed.