if my supervisor ever read these messages (which i highly doubt), sure it would be really embarrassing because i have exposed my inner most deepest fear and thoughts, but its all true, because it's how i felt at the time.

whether the supervisor agrees or not, it does not matter. and it's one sided, because i'm saying it from my perspective. if i were to put myself in his shoes, i would say things like. that lara, good for nothing student that calls herself a phd student and is so slow in finishing her thesis what the hell is she playing at. lol and a number of things i am sure he is probably thinking.

it really doesnt matter what your supervisor thinks as long as you know you did your best.

the only opinion that REALLY matters is the one you hold of yourself.

this is me telling myself this more than me telling you.

we are creatures of emotion, not logic. (dale carnegie).

i agree - i wouldnt worry either. you are sharing your feelings, how you feel, that's truth that cannot be disputed. the fact you're feeling it, is validation in itself. and if your supervisor does read it, (which i HIGHLY doubt. because if supervisors have time to roam this forum, they are SAD! as this forum is for phd students).. and besides, it's not like your saying your supervisor is such and such and spreading malicious untrue rumours about them.

i know how you feel.

if it makes you feel any better, i had no data for my phd for 5 years. and only in the last 3 years was i able to get data finally.

my particular situation was not the norm! so i dont want to scare you.

and i know about self destructive tendencies too. i have those too.

sounds like you're working really hard , working part time to fund your phd is very admirable. i really admire your determination and your commitment. and sounds like your supervisors arent supporting you, and you're just feeling lost and confused.

i dont know what to advice you though. but what helps me , is to make plans, and make spider diagrams and that tends to calm my anxiety.

it is difficult and overwelming doing everything, but just work in day tight compartments. work as much as you can each day.

it's emotional anxiety and resentment and stress that causes people to tire, not so much than the actual work they are doing.

it's not the tv that's the problem.

you're feeling overwelmed by the huge task of it. and that's causing you to have procrastination tendencies because you feel lost and don't know what to do.

my advice. make a map, of all the bits you need to do. break it up into smaller sections. and then everyday just concentrate on one small section.

just work on it abit everyday. if you're having trouble starting. start a timer, and tell yourself you ONLY have to do 10minutes. you can work for 10 minutes, even if you hate it. you can do it for 10 minutes. and see what you come up with it. usually that's the spark that needs you to get going.

also visit this website, it really helps! listen to the clip, trust me it's worth the 15minutes.

http://davidmaister.com/blog/18/Done-at-Last-Thoughts-on-Procrastination

(all above advice given to me by fellow forum members)

update:
9th june till 6pm friday 13th: zero progress on thesis. (aside from reading up on viva questions and thinking about my thesis map).
mental and emotional breakdown
-----------------------

Friday evening (6pm - midnight) started my thesis map.

i got so carried away, i started writing up sections for my introduction(ended up like 3000 words).

today woke up at 9.15am! which i never do. i think stopping at midnight and sleeping at 2am really helped. instead of working till exhaustion like 4am

today:
i am continuing with the thesis map, which i am actually enjoying.

so far 989 words.

Thank you so much bovp2000 for your very detailed and clear explanation on how to do a thesis plan! that really helped. about splitting it up into little sections. you're so nice to go to all that trouble to give me all that advice, i really appreciated it

and thanks for the encourgement and positive thinking! you're right when you think about smaller sections and working everyday on it, it is so much easier. and i tend to get less overwelmed. your advice really helped me starting on the thesis map
i read your message a few times yesterday to get going..
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Thanks so much swantje for your tips and advice!! you're right it's a good idea in helping to stay focused.

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Thanks Bilbobaggins, yah it's a very good idea to take notes during the meeting, and emailing them the copy of it! I will do the same

Hi Omega monkey

so kind of you to ask how I am doing.

I am feeling much better thanks for asking. After having what can only be described as a complete mental and emotional breakdown this week (2nd episode). i have recovered (combination of talking to my parents, telling them all my fears and mistakes, speaking with the welfare advisor and the counseller and talking to my friends and reading dale carenegie's books again)..

and the most important thing was that i just wanted to hear from my parents, that it was OK if i didn't pass and that all that really mattered was that i did my best and worked hard. and the outcome of my phd thesis did not matter in the grande scheme of things, but what mattered right now, for the next 3 months was to work hard on my thesis and know in my heart that i did work hard.

so yesterday evening i got back on the horse so to speak.. and i felt much better

thanks!! thats alot of help, I appreciate it

pampelmousse, you are a genius!!

i loved your idea

"If the emails are still upsetting you it might be worth printing out the latest, putting them in a folder and writing in very BIG WRITING email/correspondence folder. Pull it out with your other stuff when you have your meeting (you don't even need to draw attention to it). You might be surprised by how people (in general) start to be a bit more cautious once they realise what they've written is in print."

that's such an excellent suggestion, i will do that!

me likes! that's an excellent suggestion

i couldnt sleep last night. and thought what if i brought in a dicataphone to record them. but then thought how would i explain it. but memory thing. thats cool!

hmmm where can i buy a good one? and what is a good one, like how much should i spend to just get a decent one?

and making supervisors go on proper training courses!! teaching them how to successfully encourage students... something like a dale carnegie training course!

and students can write up monthy reports on THEIR supervisor, and its kept confidential. and that way supervisors would have to watch their behaviour, incase they got red flagged.

dale carenegie has countless of examples of exemplary bosses and how they handled their employees with tact and positive encouragement and respect.

the way i have seen some supervisors talk to their phd students and my own personal experience, i was so naive, i felt that they had the right to talk to me like that, until a collegue told me, that no human being had the right to talk to me like that.

its unbelievable that they get away with actually shouting and harrassing students and intimidating them.

you're welcome Olivia, yah sounds like a good idea! thats cool, the mother /new mother concept, abit like a big brother/big sister programme.

I was thinking, in addition to the so called required lectures and worshops phd students have to attend, there could be a workshop on the psychological aspect of doing a phd. no one ever addresses that.

and then advise newbie phd students, on seeking counselling or welfare advisors. when i first started my phd, i did not know about counselling or anything that was available at the uni.

but informing the phd student, that anything that was said during the meeting would be kept in strict confidence.
and not relayed back to the supervisor. that way phd students are not suffering in silence.

entrepreneur
wish i had that luxury and courage, to storm out for everytime my supervisor got angry with me and shouted at me, and basically belittled me. unfortunately its not seen as an equal partnership, but him being the boss and your the captive hostage, compiling with everything he says and taking it, because you feel you have no power against him because he holds your phd in his hands.

but i like your idea that in an ideal world it "should" be an equal partnership.

that way i can keep a record of what he says and what we agree upon. and that way i wont get emotional, but feel that i am being professional, almost like detached. that has really made me feel better, because i was feeling very scared and anxious meeting my supervisor. i still do feel that way, but feel that can do something constructive if he begins to berate me.

i havent done anywork on my thesis though. i will start fresh tommorow, and do that phd mind map.

today i feel so tired, all day, felt very tired. my body actually aches. i think for the past few weeks i was on an adrenalin rush, and yesterday just had a breakdown. now my body is just "tired". like a deflated balloon.

but psychologically and emotionally, i feel fine. my best friend called me and suggested i take minutes at the meeting with my supervisor, and that before the meeting starts, to tell them "i will be taking minutes of the meeting"

that way they are less likely to get personal and aggressive with me.