It's not at all clear to me whether you really should leave or not.

That's a million dollar question. Although if I leave I'm not sure that I would ever be able to go back to any PhD... BTW I'm in my mid-20's if anyone is wondering. Seeing a counseler might be a good idea as I'm already burdening everyone around me with my PhD issues. I really can't talk about any other topics and I can tell people are sick of it.

To put it simply if I forgot my family and everybody else, quiting this would break my heart.

I have already invested so much of myself in this PhD, but I'm just not sure if I really am capable of completing or if pursuing this further would see me ending up in a mental hospital. I also know that while it's good to be persistant, it's important to know when to cut your losses and walk away.

Olivia and everyone else, thanks heaps for your advice, it really helps.

You sound excited, how cute. THe feeling won't last though. Welcome to hell.

As for my parents, I went to visit and stayed for a week recently. They saw that I'm an emotional mess, completly obssesive about my PhD issues, lost weight, barely ate while I was there. And they still haven't said even once "You know if you feel that you need to quit, we are behind you". And that's all I wanted them to say.

Yes, my parents both have higher education and value PhD a lot. Even my grandparents have higher education, my grandfather passed away from cancer few months ago. In fact he ended up forgeting what day it was and my grandmother's name, but he remembered to ask about my PhD until his last day. My only brother dropped out of school early and now it's all on me. I didn't start my PhD because of them though, I did it to distract me from my realtionship problems and to give me something to focus on (not the best reason I know). I also did it because the topic/reasearch area I'm doing is interesting and I wanted to know more. As for relationship problems, it seemed PhD did nothing but magnify all of them, and I also managed to mess up great realtionship with my supervisor who I often felt very lucky to have, almost like she was an anchor in all this instability. Now I don't have that anymore, and I don't know where to turn. I feel like she too has let me down in "my darkest hour".

I'm thinking that perhaps the best way out would be to wait 6 months from now, to make sure I'm thinking clearly and if I still feel this way to ask my supervisor to file a report of unsatisfactory progress and then have my university throw me out. If I don't quit myself, I feel that perhaps my parents would understand that I just wasn't good enough.

I seem to have lost all motivation. I don't feel like doing anything and ultimately, I feel like "the end prize" or getting a PhD is just not worth it because of all the emotional turmoil involved. I still have 2 years to go. I have brought this up in front of my parents and they both were deeply unhappy that I am even considering this. They have had pretty tough lives and often say that me doing a PhD is the only happiness they have. I feel like I can't do it to them, yet the longing to quit and not to have to deal with any of this crap is HUGE. I dread even meeting my new supervisory panel. My main fantasy involves getting my passport and taking one way flight to another continent. I feel trapped.

Thanks Olivia, I think this is what's best for the project, and as someone else told me today "keep an eye on the prize". Supervisor also said that she wasn't tough or critical enough of my work (which also goes along with being a friend) and other supervisors are tougher and will push me harder (altough I will meet them once a month if that).

Now I have two weeks on my own, kind of scary...

So I have been appointed a supervisory panel after my not so great but yet passable first year viva. I have only ever worked with one supervisor and really don't like panels so I find this change unsettling. My primary supervisor said that since now supervision time will be divided among all the supervsiors, two of us will meet less frequently. I feel like she couldn't wait for an opportunity to "get rid of me". Our meeting frequency will decrease from daily to once fortnightly. Also she said that she has been too much of a friend to me so far and not enough of a supervisor (which she admits to being her fault) and that needs to change too. This is again very annoying and feels personally offensive. Sorry guys, just need to vent :(

I wasn't really thinking.. Actually one of my big fears is my supervisors finding this forum and reading my posts.

Yes you are right. No wonder noone replied

Just wondering if there is anyone that wants to share their Facebook profile...

I guess the other thing is that I have always performed very well academically. I have put about 20% of the effort in both ubdergrad and masters degree with great results - while I have seen lots of students stress over exams etc. Because that's been a breeze, I thought why not do the PhD. Well, here 20% of effort is not going to cut it. Not even close.

I'm just wondering if anyone else feels the same? I'm begining to realize that if you are to do well you must be 100% consumed by your research. You can't just sort of know what you are doing, you have to really be on the top of it. Have I known that things would be this hard, I probably wouldn't have started it in the first place. But now with having invested so much time into it, it's difficult to quit too.

Furthermore, when I thought of some possible questions before the viva she gave me the answers that I ended up repeating and were ripped to pieces by the panel. Now she is saying that I should have gone and reasearched answers myself. I trusted her when she confidently gave me the answers, I mean she should have told me beforehand that I should go and research the answers and I would have done exactly that.

What now makes me mad is that now she wants to appoint even more junior people than herself (that are her buddies) to be additional supervisors. Her point is that they would have more time for me than senior people. But I already have had more than enough time with her and what I need is some QUALITY supervison even if meetings are once a month or so.