Hello Guys again,

Now there are different updates! This junior PI has selected me as a finalist candidate to visit the institute although he didnot reply to my emails. In this official email, I have to do presentation and so on. As you may know, my current situation is so awful and working on topic way off from my background and also not interesting. Moreover, there is no other opportunities in the recent time, someone promised me, but have to wait another year. I really feel lost, but have no options.

I am facing maybe imposter syndrome that kills me everyday which leads to an intermittent sleep and a chronic headache. Unfortunately, the country I am in right now there is non-Anglophone speaking psychoanalysts, the university as well doesn't give any kind of support: there was a senior student suffering from chronic depression and didn't get the help and considering relocating. I seriously feel a constant headache and thoughts I don't deserve any thing, even I feel so stupid in programming although some people tell me you are working on a new topic. I don't know how to heal myself on my own. Hope to hear what I can do to overcome the imposter syndrome.

All I can say, every thing is going against me in the recent moment, moreover, I am alone here and I cannot find any kind of support! Actually I dont want to cry about the past, but I am trying to find a solution, but I cannot for the situation I have never expected to be in. I dont know whether I am really flawless, I have non good feelings, feelings foolish. Sorry guys for bringing negativity, but this is the only one to share what I am feelings right now, I am feeling like I am a ballon.

Actually guys every thing is going worse unfortunately, the residence from another country where I have been asked for insane amount of money of repair 1400 euro, although I pay for them insurance 500 euro. I am now in another country in europe and have residence permit of the other country for three years. I dont have this insane amount of money, they fabricated stuff. Now, I am afraid that they can revoked the residence permit if I didnot give them money they want. I know it is off-topic, but things are really messed up, I do think I HAVE HEAVY stuff on my chest. I think I have punches from each angle. I am so much afraid, they dont reply, I sent a complaint to consumer protection in Europe, but nothing yet.

Dear Zena,

First of all, I am so sorry for what you have been through, be strong and confident, that everything is going to get better. Actually while reading your story this what had happened to me verbatim, I suspect whether you were in the same group I was, because my ex-supervisor did the same as yours, in terms of publications, funding. My advice to you that this behaviour will never change as those people are toxic, if you are so early, start looking for good supervisors, if you are at the end, stick to it and move on and get your effort. I think if I were in your position, I can ignore that supervisor for some time and I think what you can do based on what you have mentioned: YOU CAN SUBMIT THE ABSTRACT ( I did the same), and if it is accepted, things can change over. If you don't have other supervisors and it is too complex to change PI, try to ignore him and don't interact a lot with this person, and then watch how things are changing. I think you have to answer the questions posed by rewt, as it could help you in understanding what are the options do you have.

Guys, you were right, finally, I found he is not a good supervisor, and I didn't apply, it would be a hell. In the other side, I feel pity because of this delay that happened to me, I am now about completing 28 in few months, and didn't create family yet, I feel sometimes as my self-confidence is decreasing, but I am trying.

I am so sorry that is sound insane, but day after day not only you and me, there are many other students suffers. I don't know which country you are in? However, if I were in my shoes, I would go directly to the supervisor and speak to him in an honest and respectable manner, you must make sure to avoid the emotions, because I know that sounds savage and insane. This is your work and your efforts, be smart enough to convince them and there is no problem if the other student cooperates with you and publish together, you spent many years, and you must fight for yourself in a smart way and get your soul all out of this mess.

I wish you can manage that as soon as possible, good luck.

I am really burnout out because of the dreadful experience I had and the current lab is quite a nightmare because I did both of decisions out of desperation. I am lacking for innovation, I am always dreaming to achieve what I have been dreaming about. I think that passion is decreasing day after day, I don't know how to express what I want to say, but how I can find this decent supervisor, I am doing my best, and for sure I don't have enough stamina to endure any kind of those supervisors, I want to enjoy and full of energy. However, what constraints me the financial situation which made me worried, however, I have to trust my gut, I still think he is not a good choice for me as an academic supervisor, I don't know whether I am the only case and why this happening, but I will hope for the best.

Here are my updates, now there a junior PI who is relatively new at a prestigious institute who is interested in my work, however, my feedback about him is not relatively good. I sent him emails, and he always replies late or forgets unless I sent a reminder. He seems that he does not read my emails properly, do mistakes in my name, to be honest, there are many points I am really concerned about likely he sent me a paper and asked me whether I can do similar like that in the attached paper, this point made me really concerned that he might be a not good supervisor, maybe I am wrong.

Besides that, he insisted on me to apply although I have asked for Skype to clarify certain points, he did not reply. The point is I have asked a very well known and established professor in the field who really appreciates me, but don't work in the same subfield of research, he agreed to write a recommendation letter, but I am really hesitated to ask him to submit the letter to that positions, as you can see I don't think that this is the good PI that I am looking for, as you may know, I resign after one year from Ph.D. and it was a horrible experience and now I am in a short-term contract in an isolated European country which is also worse, but I came for financial reasons so that I can cover my living while finding another good supervisor.

I don't want to lose the recommendation of this well-established professor to this position and I would like to keep it for something I am pretty sure it worth.

I am really confused thinking a lot, I don't whether to submit or forget this position?

I am in the same situation may be worse, the problem is the environment is not encouraging, I wish if there is a supportive supervisor, I can feel all your thoughts. Honestly, began to feel that academic route isnot based on merit, but other qualities. I dont know how to advice, because I am suffering from chronic anxiety, depression, OCD, and bi-polar disorder, I am struggling to sleep for years, and I am struggling also to look sane in front of people, but inside me I feel lost because of the severe lab vibes, and i found there are other students have the same situation.

Thanks so much guys! Your comments are so much helpful, sometimes one get stuck in life, I am trying to sort things up and restore my mind and looking again for another or maybe last opportunity. I agree life is more important than any thing else, I hope I will be still stable to the end, thank you guys!

I am so sorry for you to have been through and I can appreciate your situation. The most important advice that I can give it to you, speak to them directly and frankly in a courteous manner, explains your concerns that you need guidance. I have been in the same situation, the supervisor didn't give me any guidance, and I was doing all of that on my own, so it ended up not in a good manner. Give your self enough amount of time to judge whether this supervisor can really support you and interact with you, you must make sure that everything is clear and obvious from the beginning instead of sticking in a vacuum loop, so please do the report as it is required and then discuss with them during the meeting your concerns.

If you know my story, I was a phd student for one year and then the PI forced me to leave, I got offer in another isolated country in europe and i found it worse! Yesterday, i was trying to commit suicide, I am totally devasted! I was always shine, successful, I dont know what happened, i am just crying, it is all about bad luck. I have disease tumours that required me to get marry since four years, my mother dead from cancer and possibly I will have the same destination, I am caring of my family and cannot tell them what I am passing through, honestly, I am caring of my brothers as my dad isnot caring so much. I wish my soul can be taken. I dont know where to go, may be the bad luck and eye. I dont know what I should ask, but I do feel my soul is trapped cannot breather although I am praying alot, never did something wrong, always help people, that was the only thing is to do a good work, but it didnot happen, i dont know what

I want to comment on that because I am burning out, I would like to scream, but I cannot, I love research, but work environment, and lack of equipment was a hinder! Finally I have been forced to leave although loving my project and I have pointed to main problems, however I was not supported because of favoritism and PI underestimated from me. I am now had an opportunity of two months as test after resigning from phd position after one year, what I found today as a first day in this new country, new lab, not good, the vibes, every thing, although some of higher senior research was contemplating why I resigned although this work, however they dont have enough equipment....... To be honest, I wish my life stop here, I like research, but I cannot find a good lab, I am trying again as people here advised me, but I am exhausted, all I can do is writing here while crying, wish for kind hug and support, people here are aloof, I am really burning out, although I am hardworker, but I do feel I am in a big jail. Sorry for what you been through, I totally understand, how it is hard, but seems very common, and I would find my passion in the right place.