I am 5 years younger than him but can definitely cope with whatever he has to say to me. We have shared problems before and he's listened and agreed with what I've had to say so he knows I'm not a stupid little girl. I don't know if our 'relationship' is at the stage where he would like to share everything with me though, in some ways we are still getting to know each other.

I didn't just sit back and take it all from him though, I did tell him that I was upset and he told me he felt guilty. When he said that he could soon realise that he had made a huge mistake and that he had probably ruined potential happiness with me, I said that maybe he would and had, as he had the chance to say his piece I wanted to say mine as well. He knows I'm not a total pushover, but he also knows that I like him a lot and want to start again in the future. I don't want a 'friends with benefits' type situation that doesn't go anywhere, I want a relationship and he said that is what he wanted, until all of this happened. He said that his life had been turned totally upside-down, after thinking that things were sorting themselves out after meeting me. He also said that he could have blocked things out and had a good night with me yesterday, but that he wanted to be honest with me out of respect.

I don't know what to think though, I wish I could be angry with him but I can't, in some ways it would have been easier for me to deal with the upset of him seeing someone else, it would be far easier to despise him.

Thanks Sneaks, I really appreciate you taking the time to give your honest opinion, having a different perspective is really useful, Nx

I think it's definitely pushing people away that is the problem for him - he is convinced that he can sort everything out himself, which is normal I think, but he did tell me about a good friend of his, who he is moving in with soon, who helped him before when he became depressed (this isn't the first time so he knows what is going on). I just told him to let his friend help him as he couldn't do it all for himself. I still feel so bad though.

I know what you mean Sneaks - I did manage to get something out of him and basically he's staying with a friend whose wife has been taken seriously ill and is in hospital, there are clearly other issues involved as he's worried that this friend is going to harm himself. His mum has thrown him out of the house, god knows why as she got really upset when he told her he was going to move out again with friends. And then there are some more problems that I have an idea about from previous conversations, but they are basically people taking advantage of his good nature. He said that he wished he could tell me but that I wouldn't like it and that it would upset me and make me worry about him when I had other things to worry about.

It isn't an ex though, which is slightly comforting for me, I have to think about my own feelings as well.

Sorry for having to add more....

I could tell that he was upset, he looked exhausted and he told me he was a total mess and that he needed space to be away from everyone. He isn't getting on with his family and his friends have taken advantage of him to the extent that he is trying to please everyone, and not being able to think of himself. I feel so bad for him, but I cannot really do anything to help as he will not tell me what the actual problems are. He said that he still wanted me as a friend and that we could start afresh when these issues were resolved, but he doesn't know how long that will take.

I knew something was up and this sounds ridiculous now, but I was convinced that he was seeing someone else, probably a projection from previous relationships where I have been cheated on and lied to. He isn't though, and he told me that I deserved to meet someone else, and that he wouldn't blame me if I did. I really don't want to though, and from a totally selfish perspective, I just want things to be how they were.

I'm going on now so will stop writing, but this is really upsetting me, and I feel totally powerless. We were together for about 2 hours last night, he said that he would call me but to be honest I'm not expecting anything, if I don't hear from him by the end of the week I'll text him to see how he is.

Thanks for any advice, Natassia xx

Hi everyone, hopefully this will be the last time I post asking for relationship advice, as I know that isn't really what PGF is for, but you're all so helpful and it's really useful to have some advice from people from a similar background in terms of aspirations etc...not a lot of people understand academic pressures sometimes. I would really appreciate any advice as this is a tough situation that I have never been in before, although I have asked my friends I don't want them to just be saying what they think I want to hear.

I started seeing this guy about 4 weeks ago, I knew he always fancied me and in the end I made the first move, gave him my number and things progressed from there. He always said that he was so pleased I had done that as he would have never had the courage to ask me out himself. Despite coming from different backgrounds, we get on very well and have a lot in common, ie shared values etc, basically we are quite similar people. I really liked him, I still do, and can see this going somewhere beyond the 'seeing' stage, I think I'm falling for him, or maybe I have already.

Things were going well, he always wanted to see me, we spoke or texted every day, and when we saw each other we had a good time. He became really interested in what I was doing in a totally honest way, was really pleased when I got accepted for my PhD - basically after a really difficult few months I thought my life was finally going the way I wanted it to go. I wished my granddad was there to see it, but I knew he would be happy for me. The only real barrier in our relationship was time, I am really busy with my MSc, horse and job, he understood that and told me that he would be there when I wanted to see him, and that he didn't want to take me away from my studies. He works 6 days a week, but his job is 9-5 so he tends to have evenings free, so he can see quite a lot of his friends.

Last weekend though, we were supposed to see each other on the Friday evening, but then something serious came up with a friend of his. I didn't want to put pressure on him so I said we could meet another day and that he should spend the evening sorting things out, he did and was really apologetic that he couldn't see me. We didn't speak all weekend, then I text him yesterday just to see if he was ok. We met last night and he just said that I was the last person that he wanted to hurt, that he thought that I was a genuinely lovely person who he still wanted in his life, but that he was caught up in a lot of trouble with his friends that he didn't want to drag me into when I was so busy with my studies etc.

Hi everyone, I've not really been online much lately for various reasons but throwing myself into writing now, goal for today is to get my presentation plan (presentation next Wednesday) finished to discuss with tutor tomorrow.

Sneaks - I hope your dog starts to feel better soon, have you any indication of what is wrong with her? I'm surprised that your vet told you to come back in a few days, have you got antibiotics?

This summer I'll be finishing my Masters so no holiday planned, if I get a short break between my MSc and starting my PhD I might go away somewhere - feels like a long way off at the moment!

Hi AQ - as I am responsible for one of the recent 'boy threads' (and received great advice!) - I think it's only fair that I should comment on this one!

I don't think I can give much more advice than what others have given already, and I am pleased that you seem to be working things out with him. I do think that it is probably a communication problem that has only really emerged since you have been in a long-distance relationship, I think that your relationship with him is worth working at as you have managed to stay together so long, in difficult circumstances. However, I think you also need to listen to yourself and your friends, if the relationship has run it's course (and that can be shown in these minor annoyances) then there is no point in holding onto it. I really hope that isn't the case though, and that you and him can sort things out. Nxx

Eska - that is totally the choice that I have made, but put much more concisely, thanks!

I hope I will enjoy my new adventure, it will be difficult of course, but at the moment I am still getting there, in the sense that I am still completing my MSc. I will not be paying out much for materials etc. so should be ok for as long as I have to self-fund for, hopefully not longer than the first year.

I've thought about this quite a lot, even though I am only starting my PhD this year. A large part of my PhD will look at psychoanalytic theory, specifically Lacanian psychoanalysis, I also hope to use a method of narrative analysis that is based on psychoanalytic concepts which I will need extra training for. If I don't manage to get an academic job after my PhD, I will most probably train as a psychoanalyst, it is something that I am considering for the future anyway, the main reason that I haven't already done that is because I don't feel emotionally ready for it.

Firstly, I haven't been on the forum since I posted yesterday afternoon. Thank you to everyone for the congratulations, and for all the wonderful advice you have given me in the past few weeks and months - you all know who you are. :-). This is the biggest relief for me, I am SO pleased that I can do exactly what I had planned to after my MSc, in such a fantastic department.

Thank you very much to those who have explained my situation as far as you can to those who have suggested that my decision to self-fund could have affected my chances of being accepted, it means a lot to see that people on the forum know me to the extent that they can comment accurately. I just think I should respond now, so that they are fully aware of my situation and the fact that I am not, under any circumstances, being exploited. Like others have said, this is a decision that I have agonized over, and have even posted on here about.

I study Psychosocial Studies, an emerging discipline that is not really covered beyond an interdisciplinary, health psychology focus in many university departments, however it is at the forefront of sociology and psychology. Therefore, I don't have a lot of choice over where I can go to do PhD research. Due to the government cuts in higher education, there is also very limited funding available, I cannot go to the ESRC as I have not yet completed my MSc. I was going to apply to a London university that has a psychosocial department, and had studentships available; I spoke to a potential supervisor and started my application, but after speaking to my present tutors I decided that department was not suitable for the project I wanted to do. I then decided to stay where I am, despite the lack of funding.

I spoke to my MSc supervisor and he said that I could have any funding that became available, although it looked bleak. My other tutors, who are now my supervisors said that they wanted me to stay but that I should go where the money is. I didn't want funding to be the reason for going to a department where I wouldn't be happy and that I wouldn't have the best supervisors, and so I considered self-funding. My parents said that they could help me out - I really don't like the idea of taking money from them but I have decided to, and hopefully it will only be for this year. Additionally, this money is the kind of money we'd rather not have as a family, the best thing I can spend it on is my future. When I spoke to the director she said that if I had applied last year, when they had studentships, I would have got one. I am well-respected in the department and my supervisors are all very enthusiastic and pleased that I have decided to stay, yes they will get something out of it, but so will I. I am confident that my supervisors are considerate enough not to use me as 'cheap labour' - the department definitely has a quality over quantity approach when it comes to their research students.

Thanks again to those who have supported me, Natassia xx

Thank you - I really hope so!

As a few of you probably know, I am doing a MSc (sociology/psychology) where I did my UG degree, and in the process of applying there for a PhD. I emailed an initial enquiry to the director of postgraduate research two weeks ago and we exchanged a few emails about my research area, who was supervising me now etc. I went for a meeting with her yesterday morning, when it was arranged I asked if she wanted me to prepare anything for it and she said I didn't need to.

I really assumed that it would be a quick 20 minute meeting so that she could meet me properly and go through the application process - but it was actually a discussion of who had agreed to supervise me and whether I was happy with the decision (I was!) and how I had to apply, or go through the bureaucracy as she said! She also asked me a few interview-style questions but overall it was very relaxed. She then said that she didn't need to interview me again more formally and that I just had to apply so that they had my application on paper. I was then introduced to the Research Administrator - she was lovely and we went through the PhD process, like when I would be reviewed, how the upgrade system works, and she even talked about the viva! Then she showed me around the research offices, introduced me to the PhD students that were in (as the new PhD student!) - they were really friendly and gave me their email addresses if I wanted to meet for coffee or whatever, and she showed me where my desk space would be.

I was so overwhelmed that it's all happened so quickly, all I need to do now is submit a formal application, quick personal statement and two references (from my supervisors) then I start in October straight after my MSc! I'm so happy with it, but can't help thinking there's going to be a catch somewhere. Do you think I've got in, or could anything go wrong at this stage?

Thanks, Natassia xxx

Congratulations - and good luck with your viva, I'm sure you'll do just fine! Nxx

Hi AQ - no you are not a bad person at all, you are at an especially stressful time in your PhD and so things are bound to be getting to you more, besides she sounds nice but irritating! Like others have said, I would try to talk about other things when you are with her - sometimes people talk about work all of the time because they can't think of anything else to say, or they just like whingeing because they are boring; a social conversation shouldn't revolve around comparing working styles and progress in my opinion.

I am only at MSc level so not under the same stress as you, but I also have to work 20 hours a week to pay for my horse and living expenses. So I have quite a busy life, and have to work weekends/evenings to get everything done - I really don't mind doing that as I love my subject but I do get a bit irritated with a girl on my course, which is difficult because we are good friends as well. Her parents are quite well-off so they are funding her MSc and giving her an allowance so she doesn't have to work. She does work hard in the week, but she always seems to have wild partying weekends and goes out a few evenings in the week as well, then claims to be struggling with the workload. She often tells me that she feels bad for me and some of the other girls who have to work as well, but I just say that I wouldn't work if I didn't have to and that I am jealous, but in a nice way. I'd love to not have to work and to be able to devote all my work time to my studies, especially as my p/t job can be quite stressful, but I can't afford to; I don't think she has much reason to say that she is struggling to be honest, but then I would never say that to her face! Nxx