That is a good idea, I look from time to time at alternatives, the problem being in part how much time all of that takes! In the meantime I have soothed myself with a nice piece of triple chocolate slice--which I resisted having for now almost two weeks!!!!!

I agree with you Pam, on sometimes the healthiest, kindest and best step for both in a marriage is to end the marriage. People see divorce as failure, but I don't agree with that. How many people remain in a loveless, horrid marriage--is that a success by any measure of the word? People judge the "success" of a marriage by its duration, not by its quality, and I think that is the wrong measure. I used to say that my divorce was the best gift I ever gave myself--people thought that was daft--but getting divorced took a lot of courage, a lot of determination to respect myself, to value myself, my feelings and my dreams. It was a step towards self-affirmation, and even my ex agreed on that point!

I felt like that a couple of weeks ago, but it went away in about 3-5 days. I feel achey and sore this morning, but I think it is from the general damp weather and the damp in Bleak Towers ( and perhaps contorting my body in horror from the mess in the lift), which brings out every little minor ache and pain from years of sport as crashing as hard as possible into the ground from horses in mid-air...every strained tendon, every broken and dislocated bone, every everything...

Drink tea with echanechea ( cannot spell it so it MUST be good for you!) to help with colds, flu!

The thing is--if we WERE back together we would NOT get along--I think sometimes people have a hard time understanding people who are divorced not hating each other's guts.

To me, if you love someone, you want them to be happy, whether that includes you or not. If you condition your desire for them to be happy on your inclusion, then what you feel is NOT love, but many other things. I wish my ex only the best in his life without me, and hope he is and does find those things that are fulfilling for him. People ask if I still love him, and I say, yes, but that love is not sufficient to make the marriage work. I love him still in the sense I have described--I do genuinely wish him well in his life, even or especially without me.

If you think a PhD is hard work--try marriage! I do not say that to discourage anyone FROM marrying, but really, the key to good marriages I think is never ending attention to the marriage and to the partnership. It takes constant effort to keep marriage going--not that the effort or work is a bad thing--but the idea of blissing out forever is not real.

As I said, I think marriage has not kept pace with modern society, hence the many conflicts you see people struggling with. It ought not be this way, but I don't know what you do to change this...

Many of my happiest years were whilst married, and I would do the marriage again, even knowing it would not last. I am not bitter and I do not have regrets, in the end my ex and I were just not compatible people on some very basic levels, and there was no working it out. My ex and I have an amiable relationship from a distance, but when people see us interact they always say, why don't you get back together, you get along so well!

the whole wedding ceremony seemed to be important for the family and friends of the bride and groom--and there is a certain sort of pomp and circumstance about the traditional wedding, say what you will...I was glad to do the huge wedding, but were I ever to remarry---not twice!!! NO!!!

When it came to actually doing the ceremony, I never either shared the dream of the floaty white dress...I said I wanted to elope or do some kind of hippy ceremony in the back garden...UNTILLLL!!!!!!! I went to my older sister's wedding ( a huge do, the traditional thing, which SHE wanted, and she did in white--seven months pregnant with TWINS!!!) and I decided I wanted a big traditional do as well..!!! which I had!

Oh and last but not least--what are all the reports that show married women as the most depressed, married men as the least depressed among men, with single women the happiest of the lot?!?

and this morning the mess in the lift is still there...I have emailed a complaint to Bleak Towers about this....nearly enough to make me take the stairs, if one, I knew where they were, and two, I were not a zillion flights up...

I have so many friends and relatives that are having kids in their late 30's and early to mid 40's, and they are all happy with their choices! In fact, I think some of them were wise to wait--they would have been disasters of parents at 25. Yes, the risk of this that and the other rises, as the age of the mother goes up, but in most of the cases I know, the child and mother are fine, or if there are problems, they were not related to the age of the mother at all. I think maybe that is more common in the US than in the UK--I think the UK is more "age-ist" in many ways than the US.

The point being though I think there is a lot of pressure on women to shape up to a certain role--perhaps the same is true of men?--and if you stray from it, you come under a lot of fire. But like Smilodon says, working/studying women with kids get pressure too. Its a difficult situation, and in the end, I think people should be given respect and support for their choices, no matter what. Parenting is a hard and expensive job, with a lot of rewards. People who parent are to be commended for the choice! On the other hand, this is a crowded world and if people do not want kids, they should not feel pressure to have them or to explain away why they are not having them.

I love kids and would have been happy having one in my marriage--it just never seemed to be something that worked out--it was something to do next year, or sometime in the future and when it came down to figuring out to do it NOW, then it just never seemed to get the priority it needed. Plus a lot of disagreements over how to parent...I would have been happy being a mom, equally, I do not have regrets because if I really wanted a kid, there are lots of options, including adoption. As it is, I love being an auntie to a herd of nieces and nephews. People think because I do not have kids of my own I must not like them...which could not be further from the truth!

PS and I hope the wet clothes left overnight had mildew!

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I sooooooooooooooooooooooooo cannot stomach the thought of handling someone else's knickers......ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww but that aside, thanks for the tips, Jouri, next time the Bleak Towers Bleak Laundry Facility is left like that, I shall just grip my innards ( well, its not far to the lift if I need to spew!) and move the offending clothes to some other location.

So those who say that they are ambivalent about marriage--I share that view. There IS ( or can be) something different about a marriage than just living together ( it had some positives as well as negatives for me...) but the overall package is not an attractive idea. Marriage was an institution designed before women were not dying off in droves in childbirth, did not always work outside the home ( I realize some did!), were barred from many trades and professions, and could not vote, and were not educated. The ideas of marriage have not really changed, though society has. I think the rate at which marriages end in divorce indicate that marriage is not fit for today's society, and needs a radical overhaul.