======= Date Modified 22 Oct 2008 18:09:54 =======
errr scratch that gaunt, was just done a few words prior.......maunt......its in the urban dictionary, if that will count!

hood

Potty training....good luck with that!!!!

If my life plan of 10-15 years ago had remained on track, I would have a fully paid for lovely 2 story home, with a one acre garden, oodles of dogs, some land in the country to pasture my horse(s), a couple of children, my best friend as my next door neighbour, a career--its here I start to draw utter blanks--doing something.....maybe? No travel. None to any foreign countries due to an (ex) spouse that hated to travel and was a nightmare if he did. No further education, despite perhaps an interest in it.

I remember waking up one day, thinking, is this really my life?! Every day is the same as the one before and the one after--every day every day every day. Do I really get jazzed about buying bargains at the supermarket? Am I at all thrilled that a new shopping mall went in nearby? No, and no. But those were thing that societal messages in my community and family said I should value! And fine if people DO--but speaking ONLY for myself--it felt hollow, empty, meaningless, pointless, really.

What am I ranting about--I don't know!!!!!! Maybe I need to get some lunch!!!!!!!!!! But I think the point is that there is really no place that the grass is greener......it just looks that way. Some people would think the grass under your feet is greener than what they have. And just because you have done one thing in one phase in life in no way locks you into that forever, not if you want. There is still always time to do something more, something different. No decade of my life bears any relation to what I did in the decade before or after--its like entirely different people leading entirely different lives! But I wouldn't trade it.

PS

I think most people would say that a PhD is a piece of cake compared to marriage and/or raising children. Based on my own experiences, I would agree. A PhD relatively speaking for me, compared to what else I have done in life, feels like a holiday.

I have friends who did NOT pursue their further education, got married, raised families, have children now off to university and beyond, and are themselves trying to now pursue a higher degree ( masters level or above). I have friends who did higher education, had kids later, have good careers, but have faced early widowhood. There is no guarantee of a happily ever after whatever you pursue. People who apparently had the perfect life 10 years ago now struggle with a variety of personal circumstances no one could have foreseen, but are they unhappy? No. Do they regret their choices? No--because the choices were ones they embraced whole-heartedly at the time. How many people have told me they envy ME--studying in a foreign country--both the studying and the ability to BE in a foreign country? And when I look at the grim walls of Bleak Towers, I remind myself, you picked this. There was a REASON--embrace that and get on with it.

Ten years ago I never would have imagined myself here. It would have been ludicrious. The very idea of being divorced, studying, in ENGLAND??!?? with my beloved horses and dogs left behind in another country, just would not have computed. But here I am. One single different decision, one thing that had worked out differently along the path, and I would not be here, would be somewhere else doing something else--but now its hard to imagine what that might have been.

Education, marriage, children and age do not have to be mutually competing categories. People have children at 20 and get degrees at 40, or they get degrees at 20 and have children at 40. Or any combination in between of variables. If you don't travel now, you can travel later. A higher degree may open up travelling doors you never would have imagined. Getting married and having kids is no guarantee that life is going to work for you the way you envision it--you might end up with challenges you never foresaw, such as a bad marriage, a divorce, financial problems, health problems, widowhood, a special needs child--I could reel off real life examples of these that happen to people--you can't plan for them, you cannot see them coming, and they do not invalidate the choices that were made--they just ARE. Its life.

Think of whether what you are responding to are societal messages of some sort of role or life you should have--which I don't think ever plays itself out in reality--or what you want. The only answer in the end, is to be true to yourself.

coop

boom

Done, Ruby, thanks for making the suggestion. (up)

moon

The number of these characters that abound.....its amazing! First of all, sorry to hear it, its an unpleasant and stressful situation at best. My own thought is often that these people with abrasive and difficult personalities have personality disorders( I am not trying to diagnose this, not my field!!! but there is something very disordered in the behaviour you describe--one thinks of perhaps a narcissistic personality disorder). If that is so, they are not able to help themselves, much, and often would not see the need. While others are concerned about getting along, these lot are not, they cannot see beyond their own needs or that people have needs or desires that do not match their own.

Dealing with them--well, you can display your own behaviour in contrast, being polite, with a lot of please's and thank you's--and sometimes saying "Oh, that is very interesting, can you tell me more about it," when they have made one of their very inappropriate remarks.

The advise to not react strongly is good advise--don't go to their level, and don't reward their off behaviour with the reaction they are looking for. Ignoring them ( when possible) is best. Passive-aggressive people hate being ignored, but they are easy enough to blow off. More aggressive types will still be befuddled when you only respond with much graciousness and no anger or hostility or defensiveness.

I am reminded of the antics of a dog I used to have, when the other older dogs in the household would get mad at him for stealing their food or toys, he would bounce around and act as if they were trying to play, he would do the classic dog behaviour of bowing and wagging his tail, a big grin on his face. The other dogs eventually gave up being mean to him or trying to bully him, as he always acted as if they meant to play--they did not get the response they wanted--and in turn, he had his way in everything, food, toys, preferred couch, etc!

So, if you can smile at someone who has made a really off remark and respond with great ( greatly misplaced?!) enthusiasm, somehow, that might knock them off the rails, as well.

You might also have a word in private with whomever oversees your meetings about making sure that all have a chance to speak. I really dislike it when someone takes over meetings in this fashion and in a recent meeting spoke up to the moderator about it seeming like not everyone was being able to talk. There are often people from cultures who might find speaking up in a meeting difficult, and yet, they might wish to contribute, but in no way are going to do verbal warfare with some hotheaded egotist. Those people are sadly then drowned out. I think a person running the meeting must be alert and sensitive to these things and ensure that everyone is comfortable, no one is harrassed or bullied into silence.

When I made this comment at the meeting I was at, the moderator agreed, and a few people who had been silent then spoke up, and got some encouragement, and this left the meeting bully hissing really inappropraite comments to me under her breath which I just ignored.

Good luck with your situation.

loot

haunt

I think one thing is to be "genuine"--whatever your style or personality is--I know some people worry that they have to "be" something, serious, or formal, or distant, whether or not that is their natural communication style. Obviously there are parameters around what is appropriate for a teaching role, but within that, a range of styles can work! I think its OK to make a session "fun" and still work hard, enjoyment does not negate learning, of course finding that balance or interaction is something else altogether.

I have read about some techniques that work--there is the classic "right pair share" and the small group work that work with groups, and there are variations on those, where the students might be engaged in a group task for a few minutes, and then you carry on your lecture from their collective responses ( I find this means REALLY knowing your topic for the day, and its tiring, but can REALLY work!) and then back on a small group task for a few minutes.

Setting a few ground rules, like I am going to start and stop on time full stop, so if students wander in late, they have wandered into a full fledged class that does not stop for them, but also stopping RIGHT on time, so they can get to their next lecture or tutorial on time, etc, helps I think.

I got a nice compliment yesterday from a student who said my tutorial was her favourite one and that she was so interested in the subject matter, and time flew when we were in the tutorials! Well:$:$ that was nice feedback and I was glad to get it.

dour

PAINS

Olivia is really hungry and trying to decide what to do for lunch.